The thing I see on the screen… it’s just a number. It doesn’t define me, it doesn’t tell me who I am. The number doesn’t know about my childhood, my deep self hate and shame that I keep inside of myself for years.
The number can’t help me when I’m down, when I feel that the only thing makes sense is to run back to the comfort of my poisonous addiction to numb anything that resembles to situations/feelings/people that still stuck in my system. Numbers can’t help me…
What can help is to hold on to the hope: the hope that I can live a full and adventurous life without crutches, the hope that although I cannot wipe the past clean, I can make peace with it. For myself, for my loved ones, who deserves the best of me because they were always there when I needed them. The hope that although I am a “dented can”, I can brace myself for this life that has been given to me as a gift. Today feels a little hard, but I try to work for that. I try to forget the number and keep this in mind instead. I try to be grateful for the stuff I have, the opportunities that had presented themself for me (like I can write here and share things). Just for today I try to do that, and the numbers will follow.
Counting days on Nofap is not that good, it makes you think of how far you are from your goal, it makes you feel bad about yourself that you still have so many days ahead to reach your 90 days reboot or whatever your goal is.
Instead, just enjoy the present moment and believe that you’re now free from the chains of PMO, if you feel an urge, slap yourself and try a hobby that you have always been dreaming of, have fun with your family and friends, study, read books, meditate, etc. Teach your brain to produce dopamine on good habits.
Don’t wait for the 90 days reboot or you’ll waste your time waiting for it.
Waiting doesn’t speed up time and time is still the same even if you are waiting or not for your reboot.
You don’t need days, you can rely on yourself. If you are curious about how many days you did after a long time, then write the day that you started and don’t count days only after that long time, you will be surprised with the result.
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