ChristianMan's Self Improvement Journey

Hello all of you beautiful, and lovely people of Earth! It has been 20 days (Created May 29th) since I shut down my old diary Daily Entries: ChristianMan's Diary (15 M) , and here’s why:
I want this diary to be completely relapse free, and I knew that I couldn’t do that. I was slipping up left and right and didn’t even care. I was living one of my biggest fears: Losing myself to my own desires. I wasn’t acting like myself anymore. I was impulsive, and sexual, and gross, and I hid myself behind whatever jokes I could make. I hate living like that, and whenever I thought about working out and getting my life back together it was like a spark of energy, but it faded away quickly and I went back to my dark life. I’m here to start again. This may sit as a draft for a few days, so know that when this comes out that I’ve decides to get real. I just need to find motivation.

Posts before I released this diary:

May 30th, 2022
I went down a really dark path, and saw a lot of things I wish I hadn’t that are still plaguing me. After last nights slip-up all I could think about was how I wasn’t supposed to experience this yet. The reason I do NoFap is so I can save sex for how it’s supposed to be used: With one person who I really care about AFTER MARRIAGE! I keep fantasizing about her and fapping to my ideas of sex type things with her, which proves that I’m in a dark spot. When I started dating her I wouldn’t let those thoughts get near her, but the slowly crept in and now I’m screwed.

May 31st, 2022
I’ve already relapsed twice today, and I only woke up 3 hours ago. I got a new phone so the parental controls weren’t set up and I took advantage. It’s beginning to not be pleasurable anymore and I’m seeing how terrible of a person I’m becoming. Idk what to do anymore. I think honestly I need to sit down and meditate and think until I can come to at least a starting point for the life I want that’s PMO free.

May 31st, 2022 Update #2
I relapsed again… I need to fix something. I lost everything. I have no desire to quit anymore I fapped it away I guess. I know why I do NoFap, but I need to find a deeper reason to want to fix myself. I’ll try meditation I guess. I need some thinking time.

May 31st, 2022 Update #3
I can’t remember if I relapsed since my last update… I don’t have timestamps on these posts. I’m becoming extremely unproductive and distant from everyone. I texted my girlfriend like once today. I watched YouTube all day and played CODM as well. I didn’t even want to think about studying for my driver’s permit test that I’ll take next week. I know I probably need to pick up a book or the Bible or something and just read, but I know I’ll just get bored and move on. I think for the rest of the night I will maybe cold shower, organize plans for tomorrow and then think, and write down a few thoughts on paper I guess. I need to reset my brain on everything. I’m in a terrible spot, but I can see where I need to be. That’s probably all out of me for today, but we’ll see I guess. Update y’all tomorrow!

June 1st, 2022
I relapsed which sucks because I forgot it was June. I wanted to participate in the June challenge… I think I subliminally let this app trick me into relapsing. When you see people relapsing all the time somewhere in you you’re beginning to think it’s ok. I got a stupid video stuck in my head and then boom went down a rabbit hole. I’m disappointed in myself, but all hope is not lost for today. I’m going to start looking up! I’m trying again.

June 1st, 2022 Update #2
I relapsed again. I feel stupid. Like what am I even watching anymore? I need to stop, but I’m losing my why. I have some thinking to do.

June 2nd, 2022
I relapsed a total of four times yesterday. I’m dissapointed in myself. I’m not who I used to be. I’m becoming a monster. In church last night I was tought that relationships need to be worked on from both sides, and of course I immediately thought of my girlfriend because of where I’m at with God. But they said that it’s the same way with your spiritual relationship, so when you draw near to God, He draws back. I was also tought this: People tend to say that they’re not as close to God as they used to. Well, who moved? It had to be you because God never moves. I need to draw near to God.

June 2nd, 2022 Update #2
It’s been 16 hours since I last relapsed. I’m feeling better, but I know this won’t last for long. The urges will come back eventually. I’ve been playing Minecraft all day. I love Minecraft. It’s day 400 and something in my hardcore world. I’m making good progress. Makes me feel like I’m actually accomplishing something even though it’s just a virtual game. I still put time and effort into it because it’s something I care about and enjoy. But am I putting time and effort into the things that really matter like my relationship with God and my girlfriend? Does that mean I don’t enjoy those things? Idk. Seems like I’m growing distant from both of them and that’s my fault. That’s all I have to say for now. Going to hang out with my friends in about an hour. Let’s get it. See y’all in the next post!

June 3rd, 2022
It’s been probably at least a week since I’ve made it a day without fapping, and today I broke that cycle. I felt really good for the first half of the day, but later MAN the urges became tough. I’m already thinking about relapsing man. It’s rough. I’ve been trying my best to remember why I’m doing this, and breath slow to calm myself down. I hate being stuck in this crap. I think I’m making progress though. I’ll update y’all later I guess.

June 3rd, 2022 Update #2
I relapsed. I feel worse about this one than the past few. I even stopped before I decided to fap to think about the situation I was in and how to get out. It was a good run. The next will be better.

June 4th, 2022
I relapsed like 3 more times after that post. I’m going to a picnic with my girlfriend and I feel gross and unprepared. I hate myself for last night. I need to do better. After the picnic I’ll meditate and think some. Maybe journal. Maybe I won’t. I’ve been trying to meditate for a while now, but never do. Anyways I’ll update y’all later.

June 4th, 2022 Update #2
I haven’t relapsed today which is good, because usually after several relapses porn looks gross and unappealing to me, but the urges will come back soon. I did some parkour stuff at the park I went to with my girlfriend (Mostly just climbing things) and a group of dudes my age were really impressed, and took my photo. I gave one of the dudes my number so maybe I’ll talk to him, but he’ll have to text me first. We’ll see. I had an overall good day. I think I’m beginning to understand the concept of sexual transmutation. My room is still messy so I’ll clean that tomorrow afternoon after church, or maybe tonight if I have time. Anyways that’s all out of me guys. Hope you all are doing well. Especially since I haven’t talked to anyone here for a week now… See ya!

June 5th, 2022
I relapsed last night, only once which is improvement I think. Today I talked with my mom about some things related to NoFap, and she came to the conclusion that I think about NoFap too much, and I’m focusing on the wrong things. Being here always makes me think of NoFap, so I might need to leave. That’s really sad to me because I don’t want to leave. But that also makes me worried that the fact that I don’t want to leave is my addiction holding on for dear life. I’ll update y’all on my decision later.

June 8th, 2022
It’s been a rough couple of days and my perspective is changing. The idea of leaving this place makes me really upset. I feel like I’ve gotten really close to y’all and I don’t want to lose that bond. And honestly this isn’t the only thing holding me back from what my focus should be on, but it’s definitely a big one. Especially since the main focus of this forum is a sin that we struggle with.

June 8th, 2022 Update #2
I’ve relapsed once again… I’m beginning to lose hope. Maybe I should stop documenting if I relapse and start worshipping God when I screw up. Maybe I should leave… I need to let go of so many things so I can move forward with my future. I need to have a vision for how I want my future to go and then execute it. I’ll update you all later.

June 8th, 2022 Update #3
I just read through all of the posts I’ve made here and almost all of them start with “I relapsed” God that’s bad…

June 8th, 2022 Update #3
It’s been a long day and stress is piling up. I take my drivers permit test in two days and I haven’t studied, and Saturday I leave for a mission trip that will last for a week. I’m so unprepared… But if I wasn’t going on this mission trip I’d climb back into my disgusting hole of video games and fast food. I’m gross… Wish me luck for the next week and a half… Not that anyone will read this…

June 8th, 2022 Update #4
I’ve become jealous of my girlfriend, and I don’t know if that’s because she’s good at something I work towards which is to be good with kids, but it’s also her church and I’m pretty good with kids, I’m overthinking it… It’s either that or that she’s living a good life and I’m not… I love her so much man. I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the best woman I have literally ever met, and I know it’s early but I’m beginning to think this is someone who I want to spend my life with. I love being around her. I think I’m growing out of the sexual thoughts, but that’s probably because I’ve been relapsing so much lately so the thoughts dissappear for a little while. I want to do this for her, and for God. If I were to have sex with her I want to do it the right way, I need to wait. I need to set things aside for a week and focus on God, and next week is a great opportunity. I know the jealousy will fade once I have a solid foundation, which is God. I’ll work on it. As much as I really don’t want to. I know I need to, and that’s enough. I think I’m getting closer to releasing this diary, and I hope you guys like it. I’m also finding a way to stay here without having issues. Have a good day guys (whenever you read this anyways).

June 8th, 2022 Update #5
Maybe waiting to release this diary isn’t the point. Maybe I need to just throw myself into it and not worry about the relapses. I need to try my hardest. Once I release this diary though it’ll become a self improvement diary, not anywhere near NoFap, and I think I’ll start doing that in my posts before releasing from here on out unless I release it after this. I’ve even made the tags unrelated to NoFap :> Y’know what yeah, NoFap isn’t even the point, I mean yeah that’s something we should all do, but it should be a part of us, not our main focus, a lifestyle as people say. I’m ready to start living a better life. Let’s get it boys.

June 9th, 2022
Thinking more about releasing the diary… I might soon.

Alright, Diary is going up. It’s good to be back.

TLDR:
I think we all focus to much about NoFap and center our daily lives around it. I think NoFap needs to center itsself around our daily lives. It needs to be a part of us, and when urges arise we just keep living because we don’t do that anymore.

Love you guys. Thanks for sticking with me through thick and thin, and if anyone was wondering I’ve been here just not active. I’m back now.

God bless!

6 Likes

Bro, in no case leave nofap, I’m 19 years old in a month, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’m a virgin. I have PIED and am actively fighting it, I have the longest streak now of 172 days and I don’t stop there. I don’t have a person to talk to about this because I don’t trust anyone, and you have a mother with whom you discussed your nofap, you have a girlfriend whom you can tell about your problem and who can support you. You’re too obsessed with porn and masturbation. I also had relapses. I’ve been trying to quit porn since last summer, but I’ve been back to it every couple of days. I had a series of a couple of days, but then I broke down, over time the series became longer, for 2 weeks and there were breakdowns, after that there was a series of 1 month, but again a breakdown, so several months. But then I decided for myself that I want to improve my life and finally get rid of PIED. And since December 20, my series without relapses has been going on, I found different information about porn addiction, about how it affects the brain, and made conclusions for myself. From the moment of abstinence, I began to actively read books, which I had never done before. I realized that I have been abstaining for almost half a year, but this is not enough, I decided for myself that I need at least 9 months, or maybe 12, but I do not give up and do not lose hope that someday everything will be fine. I sometimes have thoughts and fantasies about sex, but I try to push them away and think about something else. At the beginning of this series, I constantly thought about sex and really wanted to watch porn, but I held on by force, you have friends and a girlfriend, go out with them more often, so you can get distracted from the Internet and you will not have a relapse. I pumped willpower very well and now it is easier for me to drive away thoughts about sex. Find more information about porn addiction, watch different videos about it, read the stories of people who got rid of it, find information about neurogenesis. A couple of days ago, I read information that kissing and hugging a girl can speed up the recovery process from PIED, but I don’t have such an opportunity because I don’t have a girlfriend, but you do. Spend more time outside and don’t stay at home, because every time you will break down. Learn to fight your desires. When you want to watch porn, remember that you shouldn’t do it, because porn harms you, remember that you are doing this to improve yourself or at least restore yourself to the previous state before you were addicted to porn. Remember that you are doing this for your girlfriend and if you want everything to be fine with you, then you have to overcome yourself and not watch porn. If you can’t give up everything at once, give up gradually, first give up everyday viewing of porn, watch it at least every other day, then increase the intervals between watching porn, i.e. watch it every 2 days, then 3 days, then once a week. Later, get rid of masturbation as well. At first it will be hard, but you have to cope and withstand the first wave, when you really want to watch porn, then it will be easier. The main thing is not to give up. Good luck. You will succeed.

2 Likes

Oh don’t worry I’m definitely not quitting NoFap, I never will! That’s kind of what I’m known for here lol. Thank you for sharing that story. That sounds rough. I’m definitely very blessed with the people around me. And I don’t count the days anymore. I just shifted my focus a bit. I was just focused way too much on NoFap. I quit living because I was always basing decisions on NoFap and how it might affect me. Now when I get an urge I just keep living and don’t act on it. NoFap is affected by the way I choose to live and act now. I’m learning more about myself, and possibly planning my future as I mentioned in one of my posts. I’m just living man! I think everyone else should too. Quit acting like you’re depressed until you actually are depressed. Get yourself out of this hole you started digging and get a move on (This is advice in general, not directed at Zelus). Anyways that’s my little wisdom for today. Keep moving guys :>

God bless.

2 Likes

Monday, June 13, 2022
Howdy folks! I’ve been away for a little while, I’ve been super busy away from home. I’m going to be on a mission trip for the rest of the week. I didn’t get to take my permit test because of a mixup and that was the first time I had a big emotion explosion. I was sad and angry, and trying my very best to hold in all my emotions. I’m ok now though.

Trigger Warning

I miss my girlfriend a ton. I wanna run up to her and give her a hug and kisses…

I know I said I would keep this diary strictly self-improvement, but man the urges were rough today. I need to keep my head straight. I need to remain laser focused. I know why I’m doing this. I’ve got a clear path, and I won’t let anything stop me. I’ve got more to talk about, but I wanna keep this post relatively short so I’ll talk to y’all later.

1 Like