Sunday Check-in,
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith
Yesterday was tough 
my mind is a little anxious today “calm me Lord as you calm the storm”
I watched Lord Of The Rings last night
That moment when Bilbo leaves the ring, and remember Gandalf’s caution? he doesn’t dare pick it up
Resetting again. 
It’s easy to get down on myself for this but I am going to breath through it. I’m forgiven, in letting this go, in on this journey of transformation and there will be battles along the way as well. We are pilgrim soldiers.
Thank you for always thinking of and praying for be despite the fact that I’ve not been posting regular lately.
Day 44. Check in. All good 
.
Monday, June 15
@Forodwaith praying for you bro we can do this, the dark periods will pass and there will be light at the end of the tunnel, just don’t give up!
All good. I studied alone and worked together with a friend on the phone, we are preparing the same exam for July. I felt a bit lazy, not having much to do apart from studying lately, I really want to find something else to do in this period but I don’t know what to do exactly. I will figure it out eventually, one day at a time!
Thanks to God for another clean day
Monday 16th June
Alles gut, Ende gut! Danke sei Gott
“The ego is like a raindrop that wants to be alone”
Week 14 - Mon, June 15, 2020 - Streak: 0 days
Missed my journal last night as I was out exploring an abandoned ship with a friend. That was all fun. But felt pretty terrible today as I relapsed twice, not journaling at all probably had a fair bit to do with that.
I’ve been slacking on reading motivational text about this addiction. I always think that’s important, to make sure these types of things are at the forefront of my mind when an urge comes.
Also considering deleting social media. Or maybe restricting it to only Sundays for 2 hours time. That might be really helpful. I’ve realized I’ve become very focused on image in recent months. I’ve been thinking a lot about why this is other than for the reason that social media tends to be addictive generally anyway. And I guess at the heart of it is that I want people to see that I’m happy and worth hanging out with. I was always that weird kid all my life, never had many good friends. But I’m finding myself and it feels great, but I think it’s time to shed social media, or at least reduce usage. I don’t need affirmation of my social worth. I need to move on and live my life.
Anyway, I also have to get a handle on this addiction. I’m so unbelievably tired of it, but yet I keep going back. It’s encouraging at least though that I scrolled down on the comments on the video I was watching and saw that many other guys were lamenting about how stupid PMO really is, they just want to be free. This industry has its grasp on us as men (and women). It’s seeped it’s poison into each of our lives, grabbing at the weak spots and not letting go. But there’s a certain aspects of that that is enlightening, it shows the ugliness hiding by exacerbating it. And we can learn to use that to our advantage, to realize we must clean up our lives to escape this addiction.
Anyway, I better get to bed, but tomorrow will be better, if I make it so.
Goodnight 
Day 45. Check in. Some urges came but controlled very well 
Day 14 
I met an astrologer recently & he told me that my ãura is very negative and some other things. I believe some of that n some not. He also gave me slight hint about my sex life problems I could get after marriage, that got me thinking.
I promised my girl on her b’day to not Fap n waste my semen, destroy my sperms; killing future generation (already has ED when with her) so now, it’ll be only for S#x.
Tuesday, June 16
All good. Went shopping in the morning, I bought a business suit and some adult man clothes for my future work life 
In the afternoon I studied for my exam, still have a month to prepare but it is not the easiest of exams so I probably should not waste too much time, working on being more efficient
Reboot is going well, urges are getting less intense, I still have an underlying voice that wants me to relapse but it is not as strong as a few days ago. I am still going, I should be more thankful for this journey and for having got this far
Tuesday 16th
I woke up with a little more ‘kick-start’ to the day.
The past few months, sin has been very present making me foggy.
Today was a good day, Lord, keep washing my sins away
“Strive to be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect”
Lord, keep me on the right path, I’m tired right now, bring me to life in you, so I can praise you
Our praises add nothing to your greatness, but are itself your gift
Wednesday, June 17
All good. Got some things done that I needed to do and studied today, and also did my workout.
In the afternoon I had some idle time which I’ve not used very well, and at one point the desire to relapse struck again. I think I came close to actually peeking this time, although I did not fantasize or thought about P much so it surely helped on not falling. It was a mistake on my part to put myself in a vulnerable situation, will try to use my time better from now on and be more midful.
Thanks to God for another clean day
Wednesday 17th
@Gk-00 @Rebooter81 @Forodwaith
I got up much earlier than usual and took the dog for a walk.
It became a long tiring day with technical issues, but we are making progress.
I didn’t really account for the fact I don’t have morning Mass, weekly confession, Tai Chi and other commitments.
I’m trying to exert that “snap out of it” mindset,
Jesus said “strive to be perfect” 
I’ve spent a lot of thought on “sex is natural” etcetera,… That funny kind of humour Matt Fradd comes out with, lifting people up out of shame and stigma (but that’s another topic)
I dreamt deeply last night, recently I can’t see much, and my head is foggy,… but I remember an aspect of one of the dreams
Day 46. Check in. All good. But trying to fix waking up and sleeping pattern.
Week 14 - Wed, Jun 17, 2020 - Streak: 2 days
Today was a well-needed victory. I successfully beat the urges and countered them with journaling my true desires to be free. That was great, and I’m getting to bed happy and confident.
The other part of today was good, however I wasn’t able to get to my exam today because I was finishing assignments first. So tomorrow I will do it instead. Not exactly what I wanted originally but definitely glad I did, otherwise I would have been up very late. I just need to make sure I get straight to the test and don’t waste time procrastinating, otherwise the stress will just get worse. And I also need to remember that it isn’t vital that I do great. Sure, it’s nice to get good grades, but honestly, at this point it doesn’t really matter as much as my mental wellbeing. Plus, my time is better spent on doing actual real world projects, like my summer project, rather than a math class I’ll most likely never use in my specific field of study.
Anyway, it’s a late night, but less so than yesterday. Goodnight guys
Thursday, relapsed, 18 june
Day 47. Check in. Listen this song 
and read lyrics 
"Target on my back lone survivor lasts
They got me in their sights
No surrender no
Trigger fingers go
Living the dangerous life
Hey, hey, hey everyday when I wake
I’m trying to get up, they’re knocking me down
Chewing me up, spitting me out
Hey, hey, hey when I need to be saved
You’re making me strong, you’re making me stand
Never will fall, never will end
Shot like a rocket up into the sky
Nothing could stop me tonight
You make me feel invincible
Earthquake, powerful
Just like a tidal wave
You make me brave
You’re my titanium
Fight song, raising up
Like a roar of victory in a stadium
Who can touch me 'cause I’m (I’m made of fire)
Who can stop me tonight (I’m hard wired)
You make me feel invincible"
Thursday, June 18
All good. I did some shopping for my grandma in the morning, in the afternoon I studied. Not much to say, still experiencing some urges and subtle desires to relapse, but I don’t want to throw away the towel, it is not worth it and I know it, I don’t know why I keep challenging myself with urges like this. Hoping that this challenging period will pass
I want to ask Something. I am having much pain in scortum area. Whenever I feel erections( in morning while sleeping) after that I am having very much aching in the area. I can’t sleep sometime after this. My sleep is getting disturbed which is very important to me. Is it kind of blueballs? I heard this term. What is it? How should I control this? Because I can’t put my efforts in a day because my sleep is getting disturbed. Please help anyone having this knowledge.
Thursday 18th
@Gk-00 @Rebooter81
@Forodwaith @Special_Bird
Very similar day to yesterday,
But I struggled with edging,… And luckily came out of it - Thanks be to God
I don’t want the stain of sin on me, but to strive and succeed.
Edit:
What was thinking having my PC on so late?
2am, And, I only use it for work.
I could’ve replied to a msg on my phone.
Done any little tasks. Reflected.
Prayed. Some push-ups… I’m addicted to technology and “doing” -
Impatient and want to work, or glued to my phone.
It’s been a long time since I felt like I was walking with God. Holding my tongue. Observing. Knowing my internal, being one step ahead
I’m resetting my streak for viewing/edging, having my PC on so late with the pretense of doing work - “he” is trying to play tricks on me and has been for a long time recently
@Karan050 relax and don’t overthink it.
It’s a very psychosomatic age to live in.
Relax and don’t worry, and enjoy taking care of your health. Exercise, good food, drink, early nights, walk in nature.
It will pass the less you worry about it.
If its still causing serious pain after a week, seek medical advise