"Check-in" Daily - diary challenge

[Special_Bird]

Week 9 - Sep 29, Sun - Streak: 35 days!

@Invincible_Knight Of course man! Glad you decided to join in And yes the dialogue here is amazing and it literally has been the reason for my streak. Never realized the power of journaling until now.

@Positivebloke Get back up man! The deed is done, but your future is not. You can come back from this and you will. There’s no other way to go. The path of PMO holds nothing for us.

I encourage you to take your next post to analyze your relapse: what were your exact thoughts, how did you combat the urges, what went wrong, and where can you really make improvements. Maybe you need to better remind yourself each day of the consequences of PMO or maybe you need to eliminate an arousing situation in your routine. Whatever it is, write it down, it helps to make it official and keep it in memory.

You can do this man, we all are behind you!

@Rohitash Hey bro, if I’m catching your drift right, I’ve been there as well or maybe a similar place. I think what you are dealing with is just a flatline. I’ve been there as well, it is especially prominent on those early days of the streak.

I can only speak from my experience, but what you said resonated with all the times that my streak is low. I may know a girl or have known a girl for a long time that I really like, and maybe I could approach her and make an effort to get to know her. But I don’t, mainly because I get stuck in this limbo of not wanting to out of insecurity. and wanting them to approach me. But I know that will never happen. So I feel like I will never have a chance with them. Which in turn makes me think about them more and how if I could just be a certain way, I could be with them. But I feel that I will never be that way or am not good enough. It’s amazing tho, how that all goes away once I am clean for a good amount of time. Obviously it doesn’t go away completely at my point, but it gets better, especially with consistent, positive thoughts.

I realized now that you may be talking about a completely different situation . However, it does indeed sound like a flatline. Stick with it man! We all have your back here​:slightly_smiling_face:

---

As for me,

It’s really late. Got to wake up in 4 hours and I am indeed sick, so I am expecting a miserable day tomorrow. Need to be on high alert, especially considering today.

Dealt with a big ton of urges. I knew last night that they would be coming today because I was getting sick. But they were made worse by my extensive and stressful hw today that made me stay up super late.

It started with me scrolling through Steam on my phone for a second to escape my hw. I came across this game that I was genuinely interested in, but while I was searching the community forums to see what it was all about I came across the warning that it had nudity in it. I should have just clicked off right there, but instead under the guise of “Oh I am just trying to see if this game is good”, I searched for some scandalous screenshots that someone might have posted.

A few seconds in, I realized that this was my excuse and that I was searching, I told myself not to scroll any further. But I told myself no, and kept scrolling. I eventually and briefly ran into a semi-nude pic. It wasnt very appealing thankfully, but my inner concious finally got loud enough to make me exit the app.

That whole situation made the urges worse and I was mad at myself for the decision. But I knew anymore would lead me to destruction, so I immediately kicked out all the thoughts and reimaginings of the image out of my head (with the Xs technique). I had a few more situations later where I was battling myself over sticking my hands in my pants but I held out. A lot of the urges arguments today were about relief and saying how much better it would be to PMO and get my stress out.

But I wasn’t going down the rabbit hole. I had to remind myself of the consequences. Sure, one relapse may not equal all of the suffering and depression. But it’s never one relapse. It’s never enough. And that’s when it all goes down.

I imagined myself having to open this app and push the reset button. To tell all of you that I had relapsed, even after saying this was my streak and that I was going to make it. I couldn’t help but cringe in the imagined guilt. That was a reality I didn’t want to see. And it wouldn’t take much to get there.

Well that’s it for tonight. Time to sleep briefly and brave the urges that come tomorrow.

This is my streak, I am going to make it.

“Little Alice fell
d
o
w
n
the hOle,
bumped her head
and bruised her soul”

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

[Rohitash]

Thanks bro @Special_Bird …any best way to take someone with whom we dream to be out of our mind and stop developing hopes and rather focus on building self? Pls guide, i m completely in dark, i need to improve myself… feeling extremely low🙇

[Positivebloke]

Check-in
Monday

@Forerunner
I’ll surely come back up brother
I want to be in your place,
I want to taste Day 100.
#2020 challenge is still out there, I can still make 90 days
Stay Blessed brother

@Special_bird
Sorry for the let down dude.

I should be a source of support & help to you too,
& Not like a parasite taking all the help & dragging your back.
My actions & thoughts make an influence too, just like yours do

Yes, it’s done, it’s gone. I’ll get back up again, I’ll have to put everything at stake to win.

I too was thinking of describing the situation.
But I was in doubt.
Since you’ve said it, I’ll be doing it.

---

Yesterday,
I fell ill.
I had sorethroat, blocked nose, head ache & chills,
But not fever though.
I had gone weak.

Maybe it was due to 14 days of cold shower everyday (which helped alot for the urges).

I lied in my bed all day.
And after all these days being active,
There was this sudden change of being lazy all day.
I was seriously not in the condition of doing anything.

So there was me, & my phone. All day.
I hadn’t taken a bath,
I didn’t get off the bed as the floor was cold.

I was lying within my blanket,
First I watched a movie,
Then gameplay videos,
Slept a little,
& As I was going to download another film,
I went to a torrent site
An ad popped up. Completely obscene.

I clicked away immediately though.
But then came a huge urge wave.
I was fighting. But I couldn’t do anything in terms of activity to change my mind.

I think, the video that this friend had showed reinforced the urge.
Negativebloke convinced me again that I had already lost my streak that day, So just relapse
one last time & go clean again.

I fought the urge all evening, till 11 PM.
I couldn’t sleep,
Couldn’t let go of the phone,
Though I was keeping it away again & again, I was still grabbing it.

And how @Special_bird keeps scrolling through steam to trigger hunt,
Youtube was my hunting ground.
Trigger hunting went on intermittently,
But I hadn’t given up yet.

Then I randomly googled about avoiding relapsing.
There was a tip to install a “content blocking” software.
I thought it was a good idea to keep me away from it
I took the software, set everything up.

Negativebloke told me to test it,
Give it a try, go on, see if it works
I opened a site to check.
It didn’t work.
I was an idiot.

I was filled with sudden disgust & sadness.
My mind had played tricks on me.
& Relapse happened

---

All you need, is a proper mindset,
Mindfulness.
No software can help,

Technology has taken over us.
It’s tough to live without the internet now.
If I can’t avoid it, I’ll have to control it. Let go of it

Motivation helps keeping up the mindset, but at hard times, everything is just foggy,
You start acting before thinking

That is a silly thing to do to relapse.
If this situation comes again,
I’ll not fight it,
Neither will I fill myself with motivation.
I’ll have to be mindful
I’ll have to talk to myself.
I’ll have to meditate.
I’ll have to write an entry.

@anon67854825
Whenever I’m having a bad day, I might check-in more than once a day.
I’ll rise again, it’s a promise.

I’ll pray for you & all others

---

I’m having a fever at the moment,
I’ve spent today again resting on bed.
But everything’s good
I’m filling in with positive energy again

Good night

[wasmun8]

Starting the challenge…starting a new life…first day of nofap…

[Forerunner]

Checking in - Monday 30th September. All good, thank GOD.

“Experience teaches harsh, but it teaches best and the breadth of experience serves a man well.”
Rollo Tomassi

After relapsing many times, our confidence has been depleted. A part of us dies with every relapse - the person we could have been if we had continued our streak. But that pain has given us valuable knowledge. We have learned what we need to know in order to break free.

We know that certain situations are triggering for us. We understand that we need a plan in order to succeed; willpower is not enough. We’ve learned that there are particular behaviours and states of mind that mean we need to take a step back before we do something we’ll regret.

It’s not the 100th strike that breaks the rock, it’s it and the 99 that came before it. We learn from all the past mistakes and prepare for a better future.

[rowdy_nik]

Week 47 - Sep 23~29
All Good, Clean Seven Days. Small Victory!
Couldn’t update daily, Will post in detail soon.

Starting Week 48 - MonDay 1 - Sep 30 in hope to another 7👍s on scoreboard.
Its getting hard but I have to keep it up.

Tomorrow is a crucial day for me & I don’t wanna fap even if I don’t succeed. Cuz that will be total failure. Please pray for me Stay Strong brothers

[Gk-00]

Week 48 - Monday

Relapsed. Day 0 again

[anon67854825]

Week 48 ~ Monday

@Gk-00
All good but day is not finished yet.
Not staying up working late - early-ish night

Thanks be to God - you are my home

[Rohitash]

Check in - Day 6
All good…glory to God

[Rohitash]

Can any one please help me with basic rules of MONK MODE NOFAP? I will be very thankful to you my brothers for being there in this community of our NOFAP journey standing as a strong pillars fr each other.
Pls help me with few basic rules must to do in monk mode nofap. Thanks

[Special_Bird]

Week 10 - Sep 30, Mon - Streak: 36 days

@Rohitash Ya man I feel you there, it can be super hard to get someone off your mind in that situation. I’ve totally been in that spot. But I think there was really two main things that helped me to escape those feelings.

First, I learned self-respect. Your situation may be different as I said before, but I can only speak from my experience. Growing up I always had confidence and self-respect issues. I think that was one of the big reasons I became so addicted and fell right into the trap of PMO in the first place (obviously besides hitting puberty). But when I was in that place of not truly being grateful for who I was and not being happy with who I was as a person, I never felt that I deserved those I had crushes on. I never felt that I had the ability to even approach them. And I think that’s where a lot of my thinking about them came from. When you think you can’t have something, you desire it more. Part of it was thinking of the person, and part of it was wallowing in my insecurities and how those prevented me from approaching them.

However, when I finally realized my self-worth and self-efficacy. When I realized that I could actually approach those people, that I was indeed a worthwhile person, I realized I didn’t really care much to ask them out anyway. I realized I was better off focusing on myself, as those people weren’t right for me. But when I was stuck in that pocket of low self-esteem, I was grasping at anyone who might show even a little interest, even if we really wouldn’t match up.

And really, the second thing is a bi-product of the first. And that is being clean for a good amount of time. Having a high streak feeds into my new confidence. And that really comes from taking responsibility for who you are while also being realistic about the good things about you.

Your issue may not be low self-esteem, but being mindful and analyzing your thoughts about these people may help you solve the issue. Writing it down here or talking about it with a close friend might help you sort out your thoughts on it. Everytime you find yourself thinking about the person, start writing. Try to dig deep into what is behind these thoughts. It may take awhile to get to the root of it, but when you do, I think you will find that the thoughts will dissipate.

Give it time and effort man, you will get through this! Just know we always got you, if you ever need to run something by us, this is a safe place to do it.

*As a side note, my knowledge of monk mode is no PMO, and no sex.

@Positivebloke Great analysis man! And I know that situation well. Those days where you feel like doing nothing, completely unmotivated. And it’s especially worse when you are sick, which I am feeling now as well. You know, I was trying to think what I have done in situations like that. It’s a tough one because the typical disciplinary actions (cold shower, running, etc.) don’t seem to help much. But then I thought of a great way to remedy those feelings. Helping others. At that time, it often doesn’t feel like something you want to do either. But since you are laying in bed anyway with your phone, I think it would be helpful to start off the day by going to these forums, and just honestly writing your feelings and also helping others work through theirs. Maybe write advice or encouragement for someone who just relapsed. It’s really amazing how writing a simple friendly note to someone can give you that much needed energy. Then maybe think to yourself, alright, I might not want to do much for myself today, but let’s make this a great day for everyone else. Then maybe you might help around the house or dorm, cleaning up, etc. Obviously it’s a bit counter-intuitive, being as your sick, but I often find that when I am sick, nothing good ever comes out of laying around the whole day. Getting a bit of walking in is good, especially when it’s for a cause.

Idk, I hope this doesn’t sound like a lecture or something, I just got going on thinking about what one could do in a difficult situation like that. I know I will find myself there probably soon with the flu season coming around the corner.

Anyway, I totally agree with you that mindfulness is really the key. I feel like sometimes we can use these things (i.e. site blockers) as an excuse to not really try to battle ourselves. We end up avoiding the conquering of ourselves. We put our fate in the hands of external forces once again. So when the urges come, we don’t actually end up fighting. And afterwards, we blame it on lack of security. It’s a cozy situation, but it’s dark and endless. We never actually get anywhere.

I think we do this to ourselves in another important way. I know that the fighting you described, at the end, did it seem like much of a fight to you? Like I know when I’m in those situations, I want to say I fought, but then I ask myself why it went so terrible. Why did it feel like I was going to end up relapsing no matter what? What I mean to say, is not that you didn’t hold out from an official relapse till 11, but the whole time did you get that feeling like you knew where it was going to end?Like you know you were going to relapse? What I’m getting at, is I think we often deceive ourselves again with these fights. Because deep down, we know from the moment we saw the trigger, we were going to relapse. And so the part of us struggles because we know that’s what we are supposed to do, but we really aren’t fighting. And that’s why what these “fights” end up looking like goes something like this:

we may kick and scream,
but then we go back to searching,
then we kick and scream,
then go back to sticking our hands in our pants,
then we say “NO I WONT”,
but then we do.

It’s almost like fake fighting. I don’t meant to say you didn’t truly want to not relapse and thought you weren’t indeed fighting with yourself, rather I am just trying to analyze this struggle that we endure because I too fall victim to it all the time. And I ask myself, “why does this feel so inevitable?” So hopefully this doesn’t sound like I am lecturing or explaining something to you, I don’t mean it that way. I am just thinking about your situation, because I find myself there often as well.

What separates a battle that we win from a battle that we lose?

Maybe it really comes down to our very first decision. I don’t mean the decision we make when we see the trigger. I mean the decision we made when we woke up that day. Subconsciously, what did we decide. Did we remind ourselves what this fight is worth? Did we go through the scenarios? Did we ask ourselves what might go wrong today and how we are prepared to deal with it? To deal with the urges?

So as you said and I have realized more now, I think mindfulness really is the key! Otherwise, we are merely deceiving ourselves, just like with site blockers.

Thanks for the post man! You legitimately helped me to work that all out. And hopefully it made sense. A lot of times I write things as they come to my head and they don’t always sound right :/.

Stay strong

@wasmun8 Welcome! Glad to have you join us here bro. Props to you for starting this journey, it won’t be easy, but the reward is worth all of the struggle.

---

As for me,

I was going to write a winded journal of how I’m still failing my calc class and still missing sleep. But you know, I feel a lot better now having wrote that out above. I’ll fake it till I make it, as they say. Things will work out, with perseverance

This is my streak, I am going to make it.

“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.”

-Paulo Coelho, The Winner Stands Alone

[Rohitash]

@Special_Bird thanks alot man, ur words r really a great inspiration… blessed to be a part of this community…what u mentioned is truly enlightening… thanks alot bro

[nGpS09]

Check in Tuesday 1/10
All is good
Today is the most tiring day as I have worked for continously 36H
Tomorrow I have to repeat the same thing.

When I came back and browse through Netflix, I was wondering if it was before the new effort, I must have resorted to pornography as my way of letting some steam.

I had a feeling of wanting to do so, but I manage to ignore the thought.

I wanted to be in a state of mind where it never crosses my mind again. But I think it is a good step now that I manage to ignore it.

I wanted to move to the next level and do not want current streak as just an effort of being abstinence for a specific amount of time. Because it will be just delaying gratification. I want my mind not ever think of it at all as an option.

[Invincible_Knight]

Check-in : week 48-
Monday, Tuesday
All good

[anon67854825]

Week 48 ~ Tuesday

I’m glad to leave ‘that’ behind, and start fresh & new.

All good, Thanks be to God

[Forerunner]

Checking in - Wednesday 2nd October. All good, thank GOD.

---

@Special_Bird I really look forward to reading your posts - your journey’s inspiring and your insights and advice are very helpful! Keep going strong brother and all the best of success with your studies!

---

“The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse.”
Unknown

Change is a painful experience. And everything about us is based around the avoidance of pain. We have ‘comfort zones’ beyond which we don’t explore, even though we’re no longer comfortable and the answers are out there. But the addiction is with us inside our comfort zones. It’s an intimate part of us, for better or worse. The results are always worse, but somehow change still seems more painful.

For years I knew I needed to change what I was doing in order to succeed, but not much changed. I knew I needed to speak to someone about what I was going through, but I kept suffering in silence. I knew I needed to learn more about the addiction, but I refused to learn. Just stop watching porn bro, it’s not that hard. What more do you need to know?! I knew for certain that I needed a plan, but I kept relying on my own feeble willpower. Part of me thought that someday, I would actually get up and feel like changing. That I would look at my life and say, This is rock bottom, no further. That day never came, and my life worsened more and more. Relationships shattered with loved ones, failures in studies, career, projects and business endeavours, overweight and weak, spiritually starved and emotionally damaged. The bottom never came, and somehow I became comfortable being deeply unhappy and dissatisfied with my life in all areas; full of deep self-loathing.

I’d become accustomed to putting on a brave front and facing the world without a worry. No one could tell I was severely depressed. Only my close friend could see the pain I was hiding from everyone else, including myself. With love and care, he opened my eyes to how far below my values and integrity I was living, and how much I was destroying my life. I had to associate more pain in my mind with the addiction than with quitting it. I had to create my own rock bottom and decide I was going to change no matter what.

A year from that day, I would have 365 days on my counter, and an entirely transformed life. LORD willing, I’ll get there. At this point, life is beautiful, and it would hurt so much more to let go of this life than to continue. My comfort zone has completely shifted, and pornography is well outside of it.

[Rohitash]

Check in - day 7
All good… glory to God

[Special_Bird]

Week 10 - Oct 1, Tues - Streak: 37 days

@Rohitash No problem! And thank you, I’m glad you found my post helpful

@Forerunner Thank you man! Your words mean a lot to me. Stay strong as well

---

As for me,

Today was better. Didn’t have much of any urges. There was a magazine with a scandalous cover and known ■■■■ star on it (it was one of those health magazines my mom gets) laying on the dinner table where I do my homework. But I ignored it, pushed it out of view, and blocked from my head any further thoughts about it.

Seriously, that X technique is amazing. I have always struggled with getting those thoughts out of my head, as it is so hard to make something leave your brain. It’s like saying “Don’t think about a pink elephant”. Well a picture of a pink elephant just popped in your mind didn’t it? It’s hard to not think about something. But thinking about something else is much easier. Putting a big red X over the image in my mind helps so much. And for when it’s a big thought, which is often the case, I use the exploding X. Great stuff!

Have a computer science midterm coming up this Thursday. Pretty nervous, but I will just have to study hard. I don’t have room for making any more errors this semester. But things are very busy. So all of this is creating a lot of stress.

It’s interesting though, it’s like the quote I used last post: everything seems to always come at once. And oddly enough, all on the streak I am doing the best on. Life is strange that way. But maybe it is a test of my strength. Something to refine me for the future. Surely, it at least shows that I have come major strides from my past self, as I am holding my ground in the face of my biggest triggers (no sleep, intense stress, and late nights). Things may be looking shaky in my life, but I am learning how to work through it and make the best of it. I am learning how to live.

This is my streak, I am going to make it.

“The only way to make a spoilt machine work again is to break it down, work on its inner system and fix it again. Screw out the bolts of your life, examine and work on yourself, fix your life again and get going.”

-Israelmore Ayivor

[nGpS09]

Check-in Wednesday 2nd october
I have been in this hospital for nearly 19H, another 9H to go.

Excited to see a picture of sexy lady.
Tiredness can cause relapse.

I checked in quickly
So I am cool and clean for today.

[Gk-00]

Week 48 - wednesday

Relapsed this morning, but rest of the day was good. My life has stalled since I restarted relapsing about one week ago, I’m much more lazy and less productive, less brave in social and work situations, I try to escape my responsibilities and tasks at any given opportunity… Time to change again, this has to stop! May God give me the strength to fight again, my willpower will not take me through this, it is God only that can give me peace.