Day 39. Check in.
“Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top I’m ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes”
Wednesday, June 11
All good. Today I studied, and sent some more job applications. In the evening played with a friend online on PC, it was good fun and some socializing.
Reboot is going steady, I am not having strong urges in this period, although I still feel the power of P flashbacks when they cross my mind. I want to stay humble, keep my guard high, and the more I go forward the more I realize that I don’t want to trade the life I’m living now with the one I was living before. This journey truly is a blessing from God, I really needed this 
I love this song,bro:100:
Week 13 - Wed, June 10, 2020 - Streak: 2 days
Good day today. Went on another hike with my sis, took the whole day, felt refreshed by getting outside. My sister and I are really close and so I always confide in her for advice about decisions. I talked to her about my girlfriend and how I feel about it. She really helped to affirm my thoughts, I just don’t think this is right for me. But my love for her (in the general sense, not romantic) is clouding my vision because I don’t want to hurt her.
It was really helpful to get this affirmation of my thoughts, as my mom was on the opposite side, and I confided in her originally the first time, but her thoughts on it ended up making me go back with her.
But my feelings about this relationship persisted and I can’t ignore them. I’m going to end the relationship, and I’m not giving myself a week or anything. I just need to cut it off. I’ll do it gently obviously, but I just can’t let my care for her bring me back out of guilt.
I’m unhappy! And I’m not living a fulfilled life. And if I’m not happy, that’s not doing her any service long-term. She deserves someone who can love her completely.
Yikes, this is a lot harder than I expected, I’m so worried I’m making the wrong decision, but in my heart I know it’s right. I can’t keep flaking last second like this, it’s just typical worry.
I’ll keep you guys updated. I’m going to write her, then get to bed. Anyway, goodnight guys 
Day 8
Ahh it was hard (literally, got blue balls)
Going on a positive vibe, but getting derailed by her pmsing. Hope to hop back on it soon.
Her b’day this week. Corona long distance is getting difficult lol.
Day 40. Check in. All good. May God will help us in our journey and Give enormous power to fight
Thursday, June 11
All good. Had to do some grocery shopping for my grandmother in the morning, then in the afternoon I studied, read and did my workout.
Today I faced some stronger urges, maybe the strongest since the beginning of this reboot. I stumbled upon some P flashbacks and I really felt that if I engaged in them for too long they would start a sort of reaction in me and get harder to ignore. I felt the danger, but fortunately did not engage with these thoughts for long and kept myself mindful and calm about what was happening. I treated these urges as something that is to be expected from the recovery from an addiction rather than freaking out. Also being around people all day, my siblings and parents, and not spending too much time alone in a room was very helpful for me.
Hoping to be able to withstand the tests that will come next, I really want to keep going and my motivation to get to the end has not decreased. Gotta stay humble though 
Thanks to God for another clean day
Added my entry
Thanks
Day 38
Withdrawal Symptoms arrived. Anxiety attack in morning
Heartbeat increasing
Etc
I am holding on
June 12 | Day 0/15 | relapsed
Week 13 - Thurs, June 11, 2020 - Streak: 3 days
Feeling so good today. So relieved. I broke up with my girlfriend and ended it well and gently, but it’s over for good. I can’t believe how relieved and free I feel.
I feel bad that she has to endure this heartbreak, I hate it, but I had to do it, it’s nothing compared to the suffering from an unhappy relationship/future marriage. She deserves someone who can love her fully.
I was so worried before I did it that I would regret it, but thank God I don’t. The only thing I regret is not following my intuition and heart sooner.
I’ve realized a big lesson from this though, one I desperately needed to learn in relationships. And that lesson is that passivity is dangerous. Passivity in pursuing what you want in life will only lead to more suffering than it would have if you had taken initiative with what you wanted in the first place. I would never have had to break her heart if I had listened to myself from the beginning and realized we weren’t compatible. Instead I tried to convince myself that I was all in when I wasn’t because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings… How stupid that was, look how much I’ve hurt her now. Ridiculous.
And that’s what passivity does. That’s a serious lesson learned. One I desperately needed too because I’m such an agreeable person, I don’t like to really stand up for myself. I’ve been learning a lot these past couple years about changing that, but it was still severely lacking in my dating life. Now I see though, and it’s so freeing. My spirits are lifted. And honestly I feel so much stronger against my urges too. Maybe because I’m not depressed anymore lol. That’ll do it.
Man, today was a huge success in my life. Not to downplay her heartbreak, I’m taking that seriously and with kindness, and it really hurts. But this was such an important decision for my confidence and for truly developing myself into a better person, so I just am really happy about that. It’s bittersweet.
Anyway guys, I better get to bed, getting on a better schedule tonight, good stuff.
Night
“Can you imagine yourself in 10 years if instead of avoiding the things you know you should do, you actually did them every single day – That’s powerful.”
“Do the things which make you strong. Stop doing the things which make you weak (unless you want to be weak).”
– Jordan Peterson
Friday 12th
Day 5 morning Check-in
This isn’t a game, nor a challenge.
I’m not fighting relapses,
Nor bound to a number.
We are dealing with an addiction.
Hey @anon67854825 was on my day 7 but fapped as could not bear the fullness and heat that was generated as u have crossed all these milestones plz give us tips how to tackle these issues in smartest ways
I don’t know how to answer
I don’t feel I’ve crossed milestones.
I can only say trust in God
I know that deep profound feeling, that relapses reset.
I see it like, God is humbling us to start again.
“nope, try again”
“Don’t be led astray with human conventions?”
It may be saying
I’m guessing, you may need to make your journey lighter and simpler if it’s getting too heavy
Friday, June 12
All good. Today I studied, read, and in the evening I had a night out with a few friends. It felt very good, it was a long time since I last had a night out with some friends like this, hoping to do this more often now that quarantine has eased.
Still feeling some urges during the day, it’s like if my brain wants to go back to PMO very badly and in some moments it tries to convince me. So far I’m dealing with it quite well, and I get busy on other things of my life to avoid idle time as much as possible.
Friday 12th
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith
All good, Thanks be to God
It’s been a great day and I’m feeling good about my small accomplishments and positive, productive attitude that is coming to life.
Thank you Lord!
There’s some thoughts and concepts I want to write down, but it’s not flowing, and I want to sleep before it gets too late.
Week 13 - Fri, June 12, 2020 - Streak: 0 days
@Karan050 Love that quote 
Relapsed today, poor judgement and foolish decisions. I worked through it in my daily journal. But honestly I’m feeling great today, because I haven’t survived the urges directly after a relapse for a long long time, and maybe only a few times. Those are always the hardest. But I did it today, and they were hard, very hard. They pretty much had sealed my fate in telling me that I would relapse. And I’ve always believed it and relapsed a second time. But not today. I stopped myself and said “why the hell should I listen to you? Who’s telling me I have to relapse? No one. So then why the hell am I doing it? How is relapsing to ease the pain of a relapse going to help? How is seeking the sickness going to help alleviate my sick feelings from the sickness? It’s ridiculous. I will not relapse tonight, I am better than this, and no, this does not define me, no I’m not worthless and a piece of trash for relapsing. I am going to be productive today despite my feelings of lethargy.”
Basically I did what I used to, as the negative thoughts came in, I recognized them, acknowledged them by stating them back to myself, and countered them. It’s funny because I can already feel the power of the thoughts fall apart when I restate them to myself, because they are fundamentally flawed and stupid.
What was different this time though? Why was I able to tune in to my inner thoughts. I’m not quite sure yet, but I think it was the intense feelings of wanting change that come right after a relapse that helped me to push past the facade of my reasoning (that I should relapse again). I wouldn’t accept that that was the right way to approach my sadness. Now replicating this will definitely prove difficult, but I think the biggest factor in doing it is not settling for less, to stop caring about anything else but improving my life. Forget the homework, forget my laziness.
So anyway, the rest of the day was spent really well. I did all of my arm workouts, finished a bit more of my work (but I realized it was better to stop for the day), and I cooked dinner for my family (tator tot casserole), and actually started producing the bare bones of a song that I’m somewhat proud of so far. I feel so happy about all of these things, I improved myself, I pushed past the mundane pieces of life despite my lethargy. I really didn’t feel like doing any of it after the relapse, I didn’t feel like I was capable anyway, but I said hell I’ll do it anyway. And look at that, I accomplished a lot!
Maybe that’s the key, to say hell to whatever the addictive mindset wants you to do and do something new, something wild to improve yourself (I guess cooking isn’t wild, especially tator tot casserole, but it sure was important and tasty to me). The addiction wants us to stay in our ruts, stay in our mindsets of slavery, and to not think outside of the box. It wants us running in circles playing games with ourselves. But maybe we don’t have to play that game, and changing the pace allows us to identify just what kinds of games it’s playing.
Anyway, just some thoughts for today. It’s a late night, but I’m happy and it was well worth it.
Goodnight guys
“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.”
June 13th | Day 1/15| checking in
