Well hello everyone fellow fapstronauts! I am here again (hopefully for your pleasure)
So today’s writing is going to be an excerpt of the entry on my private journal (yes I have been journaling since september 2017 and it has had a lot of benefits!) The only times I do not do it are the times I feel really really bad and I watch porn. (I want to clearify that those are the times I would need it the most… so yeah it does not make any sense to me either )
As you may have noticed I wasn’t very active in the past days (besides for restarting my counter! Again, and again and again ) that was due to my fall into the rabbit hole, the void or what I call the jeeeez-have-you-seen-the-calluses-on-my-hand-hole And now I would like to share with you the resumee of how I felt in these days (very very little positivity and happiness). Since everyone is posting some awsome success stories I (as the rebel-scum I am (note the elevated quote) ) feel compelled to post some defeat (or I would say route-change) stories. Please keep in mind that I am not writing this to be pitied, I don’t need (and don’t want) anyone’s pity, I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul (yes, another wise quote from some wise man or woman). I write these lines for the ones who may stumble upon them while feeling beaten down and alone! Here no one is alone, we all face similar struggles and similar route-changes. At least that is what I hope.
As I said I have been watching porn almost day in day out since christmas and that allowed me to observe how my mood changed and how my thoughts started to betray me.
1.- I started to feel really really down, and by that I do not mean that I felt kind of sad. No I was sad to the bone! I felt this deep, bone-shredding, eyes-watering, mind-shaking, sadness typical of when I feel like I am losing control. The world looked really really pitch black from my point of view and I felt like hiding in some place far far away from any other human beeing (yes, a la Luke Skywalker).
2.- Parallel to the feeling of sadness I started developing a weird sense of beeing wrong, of not beeing worthy of love, appreciation and human warmth. This led to not anwering a single message from my friends (to whom I had of course to apologize) and to neglecting my posting on here.
3.- Sum point 1 and 2 and add the fact that I last time I checked i reckon beeing and intelligent human beeing who can (sometimes) discern good from bad and you get an explosive cocktail of self-bashing and self-deprecation. I starte to beat the shit out of my ego calling myself all sort names. Believe me, it was not pleasant, I strongly reccomend skipping step 3
4.- I was really really hard to motivate. I had almost no interest at all in doing the work I have to do, to exercise (but that could come from the christmas cookies as well ). Even when I was with other people I had almost no interest in talking to them or interacting with others. Crazy shit, ain’t it?
5.- Most of my thoughts were spinning around sex and porn and erotic games and all that “nice” stuff one can find on the net… Even as a friend of mine hugged me I catched myself thinkig: oh wow I can feel her breasts! (yeah I forgot to mention that it was a she )
6.- It was very hard to concentrate even on a simple task like eating!! And I mean, fuck meee, eating man…
In those days I was more like the shadow of a person rather than a person.
But at the end of this journey in a black black tunnel I heard a voice (no don’t worry I am not schizofrenic), it was my voice, telling myself that I am fucking better than this, I am better than what I tell myself that I am. That I am capable of stopping myself from doing something which I know beeing a bad thing for me. maybe I can not do it for 90 days, maybe not even for 15, but I surely can du that for 24 hours. And I did it. And than I started again with my 24 hours. And tomorrow I will start again and the day after. And some day… well we will see what time brings
So this is all for this unconventional entry in Carlo’s diary!! Love and peace from Austria my fellow readers and see you soon
PS: as always, please excuse my wrong grammatics and spelling I really hate to check my texts