Carlo's diary: the journey of my mind and spirit

Diary
1

Hey there fellas :slight_smile: I’m starting this diary to share with you some opinions and thoughts (and I’d love to grow myself by reading your own opinions and thoughts). The idea in the beginning was to write a simple topic but it then got waaaaay out of hand and became too long to ask anyone to read that :stuck_out_tongue: so yeah I’m going to start writing in this diary-form some of the things i write on my personal diary, maybe someone will find this helpful or maybe inspiring :slight_smile:
I’m not gonna write this on a regular basis i guess, it is going to be published when i have the time to write something in a form which is adequate for the depth and the meaning (to myself) of the topics i would like to cover :slight_smile:
For the first 4 “pages” i’d like to write about:
1.- Using the word journey in opposition to the word fight/war (pornography as an inherent part of our colture)
2.- NoFap as an instrument to get rid of addiction and not as an objective itself (masturbation as an inherent part of human sexuality)
3.- About the meaning and implications of the word relapse (motivation vs failure)
4.- About my objectives (control instead of plain avoiding)

So brace yourself my fellow readers and enjoy the ride :slight_smile:
Always keep in mind that these are opinion and thoughts, feel free to disagree at any moment but in such a manner that hurts or disrespects nobody :slight_smile: love and peace to your mind fellas :slight_smile:

And please accept that I am not gonna focus on my urges or benefits since there are loads of diaries on that topic :wink: (that said it could sometimes slip a comment on that :stuck_out_tongue: )

My share code: 564bc3 add me

2 Likes
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It’s so fascinating that I wrote about the same thing parallel to you :slight_smile:
I’m really looking forward to your diary.
I really like your mindset :slight_smile:

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So here I am again, beeing co-pilot on the way home from christmas holidays so I have a little bit of time :slight_smile:
This Page’s topic is the use of the worde journey versus the use of the word fight/war.

I am relatively new to this forum but the more I read the more i gain the impression that we are kind of an armada fighting against a monstrous giant in some epic-doomsday-battle. But what are we doing actually? Why are we here?

Some may say they are here to fight against ■■■■ (or the ■■■■ industry). Fair enough, but how big are the chances of a win? I can tell you: 0%! Pornography is something which exists since the dawn of times, it has endured every ice age or dictatorship or world war. (Well of course in other forms and far from beeing so popular as nowadays). It is what I call an inherent part of human culture, meaning that it cannot or maybe should not be heradicated (destroyed). And another opinion of mine: pornography is not bad per se, alcohol is not bad per se (while smoking is) but getting addicted to ■■■■/alcohol/drugs is. So what is actually bad about ■■■■ use? Imo it is the indiscriminated, unquestioned use of pornography as a way of experiencing new things or as a way of solving problems or as an educative package. That is something i do agree to work against.

Some others may answer they are fighting against themselves and their urges. And then I think: wait a minute: you are fighting a war against yourself? And in particular against your sexual urges? (The one thing which allows us to procreate and have a lot of fun :wink: ). Well imo the chances to win this fight are not that big as well. But more importantly: it is a fcking stressfull fight, a fight in which you reject yourself (or a part of it), the only person which will always always be with you :slight_smile: And as you may know rejection leads to unhappiness, depression, anger, the dark side of the force and ultimatively death:p so well i think i found for me a better way to define my adventure.

I am courrently on one of the most interesting journeys of my life. And then look at this: there is only one way of failing a journey: to stop! As long as you put one foot in front of the other you are going somewhere!! Maybe at the moment not in the perfect direction but you are going!
A journey is a process filled with eyperience and dicovery (and not with blood and gore). You experience parts of yourself (some goos and some less good) you discover ways of dealing with them and ultimatively you may dicover why you are addicted to ■■■■, why you got addicted in the first place!! Then in order to get addicted to something, this something must have a fuction in your life which cannot be substituted, so finding it and dealing with it may be a huuuuge help :slight_smile: (in my case it is self worth)

So yes my friends i will change my way of seeing my adventure! I am walking, discovering, learning. I am on a journey and not in a fight! (And if someone thinks a journey is easy, well go to the peak of everest and then u tell me again :wink: )

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? What are your thoughts and opinions? How do you define your adventure?

Love ya fellas :slight_smile:

4 Likes
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I agree on the relativity of things and i like the fact that you see this experience as a journey and not a fight. Our sexuality is a fire within us and not an enemy (yet it can become a raging wildfire if handled wrong)…but…never ever underestimate the Industry. True, there have been pornographic images on clay pots or mosaics and a lot of ancients myths often include gods being born from mastrubation. Still, in this day and age we are facing something new. The technological accesability and they viciousness of the industry transforms the beast in us into a monster. cheerio :slightly_smiling_face: then again you nail it: the addiction is only the first layer of our great endeavor

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nicely written!
I think I agree with you about whether or not we should “fight”
I don’t like fighting and never start a fight. But sometimes you are sitting there and working when this stupid thing of an addiction comes and punches you right into the face.
In these moments I can’t help but just fight back and knock the urges out :smirk:

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@anon9232166 I do agree with you on that!! But i do not think that we can make the industry guilty for offering a service! Most Services ar neither good nor bad, they become such whe we use or abuse them! I mean I would not say that McDonald’s guilty for the widespread obesity! I would say that the use people make of its service (cheap food high in calories) is bad! Similarly I would say that the use (for me abuse) without some deep thinking behind the root of the problem is :wink:
If we were to work against the widespreading of pornography we would be working against freedom of information and progress :slight_smile: and well I am not up to that :wink:

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@neveragaintw haha that’s the spirit man!! :rofl:

9

Well well well here I am again. (I hope this is for most of you nice to hear :wink: )
Today I would like to adress a topic which for me is really important and I think everyone of us can relate to but it seldomly comes out explicitly. This topic is: delaying reward (seemingly a really good path to succes). Ok now some of you could think “Wait, this topi is not in the four he listed above” aaaandd yeah I guess you are right but who cares as long as this one is interesting? :stuck_out_tongue:

Before I start I would like to share with you some imput that I found really inspiring.

First Video: Don't eat the marshmallow! | Joachim de Posada - YouTube (Don’t eat the marshmallow by Joachim de Posada)
Second Video: Self-esteem is Not the Answer | Heidi Landes | TEDxDayton - YouTube (Self-Esteem is not the answeer by Heidi Landes and well yeah i do kind of apologize for her voice :stuck_out_tongue: )

So well let’s start with me. I do feel the struggle they are talking about. This addiction is somehow messing around with my brain so that resisting to instant gratification is every time harder. Do you feel this yourself? How have you worked against it? Which are your strategies?

Since I have been addicted to ■■■■ for 7 years and have been on a journey to freedom for 2 years i cannot really say if this is a cause or a consequence off my addiciton. I just take it as the status quo. It still is something which really gives me a hard time quitting ■■■■ and therefore is worth thinking about. Do you think it could be possible to work on this aspect first in order to make the quitting easier? (some kind of a two step precess) Or do you think it must be dealt at the same time?

But the most interesting thing imo is the fact that we millennials are actually wired to have a hard time resisting immediate rewards. What? How can this be? Well it seems that there is a profound correlation (if not causation) (for those of you who like me don’t or didn’t know the difference here you are Correlation does not imply causation - Wikipedia). Ok let’s start once again.

Well it seems that there is a profound correlation (if not causation) between the technologically advanced world we live in and the hard time we are having resisting immediate rewarding. The only fact that we are always able to reach out a hand (or a message) and get an almost immediate reward (answer) when we feel lonely is kind of proof (yeah yeah a weak one but still…).

So in some ways it seems like we millennials have just been delt kind of a weak hand and have to work twice so hard to learn this valuable lesson. (This still does not imply the fact that addictions are not our own responsability)

In addition to that there is an awful amount of research which shows (or pretends to show) that the ability to delay rewards is a really trustworthy predictor for a successful life (does successful imply happy?).

So yeah this is all for today, i apologize if it is kind of messy but I’m also learning about my writing capabilities :wink: I hope you enjoyed this read and hasta la vista amigos :slight_smile: till next time with a new update

3 Likes
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Man I love your style for writing :slightly_smiling_face::slightly_smiling_face:
Its so refreshing and joyful
Haven’t watched the videos yet. (I really should learn for my exam in two days …but there are always more interesting things than that :joy:)

hmmm i really know that instant gratification thing too and unfortunately I don’t have a good answer for it :persevere: (otherwise I would be learning right now).
Of course a todo list and a clear goal of my future helps to keep track a bit but not too much.

At the moment I am absolutely sure (I often am absolutely confident of what I’m saying until I find a better thing to believe :smile:) that just stopping to watch ■■■■ will never ever cure your addiction and that sorting out your brain always makes the journey easier (that’s also the reason why I’m currently so strict against the hardmode rules which focus purely on not watching but doesn’t help you bringing you into the right mindset to cure an addiction. But I never thought about, that instant grat could be a part of the thing. But it sounds convincing. I will definitely try it out. I will try to find a way how i can push that instant grat away and see if it helps :smiley:.
Currently I’m on the believing “cure your mind and it will cure your addiction”, so, pretty close to what you suggest.

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Well well well here I am, back from the dead (or so to say :wink: ) how was your exam?

Well I am actually working on a daily basis on a to-do list and yes it does indeed help!! But the moment i forget (or I am a lazy ■■■) to do it, well let’s say that that moment is a bad one :wink: And maaan I am as far as one can get to having a clear life goal!! There’s waaaay too much I could do and I’d like to do.

Me muy likey what you write! Yeah I guess we are kind of on the same lenght on this topic.
Although I have to say that for me it is not alway clear what comes first. Yeah I do feel like shit after I jack off to ■■■■ but actually feeling shit was the cause I did it in the first place! So well I am at the moment kind of trying to figure out what comes first either the chicken or the egg :wink:

Maybe some of you can help me out a little :slight_smile: How do you feel about this? Do you agree on this particular point? What are your experiences about chicken and eggs? :stuck_out_tongue:

12

Well hello everyone fellow fapstronauts! I am here again (hopefully for your pleasure) :slight_smile:

So today’s writing is going to be an excerpt of the entry on my private journal (yes I have been journaling since september 2017 and it has had a lot of benefits!) The only times I do not do it are the times I feel really really bad and I watch ■■■■. (I want to clearify that those are the times I would need it the most… so yeah it does not make any sense to me either :frowning: )

As you may have noticed I wasn’t very active in the past days (besides for restarting my counter! Again, and again and again :stuck_out_tongue: ) that was due to my fall into the rabbit hole, the void or what I call the jeeeez-have-you-seen-the-calluses-on-my-hand-hole :wink: And now I would like to share with you the resumee of how I felt in these days (very very little positivity and happiness). Since everyone is posting some awsome success stories I (as the rebel-scum I am (note the elevated quote):stuck_out_tongue: ) feel compelled to post some defeat (or I would say route-change) stories. Please keep in mind that I am not writing this to be pitied, I don’t need (and don’t want) anyone’s pity, I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul (yes, another wise quote from some wise man or woman). I write these lines for the ones who may stumble upon them while feeling beaten down and alone! Here no one is alone, we all face similar struggles and similar route-changes. At least that is what I hope.

As I said I have been watching ■■■■ almost day in day out since christmas and that allowed me to observe how my mood changed and how my thoughts started to betray me.

1.- I started to feel really really down, and by that I do not mean that I felt kind of sad. No I was sad to the bone! I felt this deep, bone-shredding, eyes-watering, mind-shaking, sadness typical of when I feel like I am losing control. The world looked really really pitch black from my point of view and I felt like hiding in some place far far away from any other human beeing (yes, a la Luke Skywalker).

2.- Parallel to the feeling of sadness I started developing a weird sense of beeing wrong, of not beeing worthy of love, appreciation and human warmth. This led to not anwering a single message from my friends (to whom I had of course to apologize) and to neglecting my posting on here.

3.- Sum point 1 and 2 and add the fact that I last time I checked i reckon beeing and intelligent human beeing who can (sometimes) discern good from bad and you get an explosive cocktail of self-bashing and self-deprecation. I starte to beat the shit out of my ego calling myself all sort names. Believe me, it was not pleasant, I strongly reccomend skipping step 3 :wink:

4.- I was really really hard to motivate. I had almost no interest at all in doing the work I have to do, to exercise (but that could come from the christmas cookies as well :heart_eyes:). Even when I was with other people I had almost no interest in talking to them or interacting with others. Crazy shit, ain’t it? :wink:

5.- Most of my thoughts were spinning around sex and ■■■■ and erotic games and all that “nice” stuff one can find on the net… Even as a friend of mine hugged me I catched myself thinkig: oh wow I can feel her breasts! (yeah I forgot to mention that it was a she :wink: )

6.- It was very hard to concentrate even on a simple task like eating!! And I mean, fuck meee, eating man…
In those days I was more like the shadow of a person rather than a person.

But at the end of this journey in a black black tunnel I heard a voice (no don’t worry I am not schizofrenic), it was my voice, telling myself that I am fucking better than this, I am better than what I tell myself that I am. That I am capable of stopping myself from doing something which I know beeing a bad thing for me. maybe I can not do it for 90 days, maybe not even for 15, but I surely can du that for 24 hours. And I did it. And than I started again with my 24 hours. And tomorrow I will start again and the day after. And some day… well we will see what time brings :wink:

So this is all for this unconventional entry in Carlo’s diary!! Love and peace from Austria my fellow readers and see you soon :kissing_heart:

PS: as always, please excuse my wrong grammatics and spelling I really hate to check my texts :stuck_out_tongue:

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Hey there!
I lurk around your diary for a while now, but thought I’d share some thoughts on your question of delicious food, meaning chicken and eggs.
In my experience, the starting point of my bad moods lie before the “use” of PMO. They are not as near as heavy as now, after years of addiction, so it may have acummulated.
Even after every relapse, there is a feeling of unease, may it be anxiety because of future events, sadness or anger because of things in the past, or just thirst (yeah, not kidding, this happened).
I just don’t feel good. And because of PMO, I forgot how to handle negative emotions. My brain instantly reaches for PMO to cure the unease, but instead of helping, it makes me feel even worse afterwards (at least or especially since I know what kind of impact it has on my life).
So I agree to @neveragaintw that just stop watching ■■■■ won’t solve the problem. But for some people it might provide them with an opportunity to learn how to deal with those emotions again.

Thanks again for another eloquent and well thought-through post. Looking forward to your following entries :slight_smile: