Hi everyone.
My pseudonym is Mark Marte. I’m 37 years old and I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 13.
I’d like to share with you my diary, my thoughts and my daily struggles on this attempt to free myself from PMO addiction.
You will see the misfortunes and the harm that decades of porn addiction can cause to your brain and your life.
I hope that this diary helps you all, my friends, honorable soldiers, to avoid this dark path of pornography.
THE VERY FIRST TIME
It happened in 2002, when I was only 18 years old. A friend of mine gave me tickets to watch the concert of his rock n roll band.
As I was already addicted to PMO, in the morning I spent a couple of hours watching P. and edging. At night, I went alone to the concert house and, unexpectedly, I met a girl who studied at the same university as me.
Although I was very shy I was able to kiss her. So, she invited me to come home.
It would be my first night with an actual woman. Unfortunately, this great achievement turned into an inner torture: In the very moment I couldn’t have an erection, not for a second. So we didn’t have sex. I thought it was just my anxiety for the moment. But in the next morning it happened again.
She was not upset, as later I noticed she enjoyed the night anyway. On the other hand, for me the experience was terrible. I was so ashamed I was unable to have an erection. My pride was gone.
I didn’t know it was just the debut of an everlasting company: PIED. Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction.
I was just 18 years old.
WHEN PEOPLE NOTICED SOMETHING WAS WRONG
It happened in 2006, I was 22 years old and 10 years of porn addiction.
I used to work as an IT Teacher volunteer at a NGO. By that time I was single and used to live alone, at a small flat. So I spent most of my free time on porn, since I had no one to hide from.
This day I spent the whole afternoon on PMO and I knew I had a meeting with my bosses at the NGO in the evening. But this time I just couldn’t stop fapping, a situation that become usual for me.
When I finally stopped I was already 10 minutes late. After I got there I was completely tired, my forehead covered in sweat due to the fact I had to run on the streets to get there. My hair was all messed up.
As the meeting went on I almost fell asleep: I closed my eyes and bent my head backwards, almost sleeping on the chair.
The boss came to me and said, very worried: “Hello! Are you OK???”
I was so ashamed. I was afraid they would think that I was a drug addict.
Even though I wasn’t aware, their suspicion was correct: I was a drug addict:
A drug called Porn.
Brother what happened next. ? I am curious and listening…
I told the boss I had insomnia the night before and I tried to sleep in the afternoon and almost missed the meeting. This explains the sweat and the uncombed hair. It was a good excuse to fill the blanks of this narrative.
As I was a good teacher and never arrived late, they trusted me. It was not a complete lie tough, since I slept very late as I was on PMO the night before.
At the end they forgot this episode.
Gotch you. I am 8years younger but I can relate and understand the journey you are going through. Let’s promise ourselves that we won’t look back instead figure out what can be done now. You are not alone here and I am also struggling.please feel free to share your journey and inspire us with a solid end of this story. I pray for your health and healing. If things not under your control, I would suggest to check with a doctor.
Thank you for the support and the advice. I’ll be looking for doctors when I finish the investment on my new degree
[REFLECTION]
I confess I relapsed last night. Fortunately I didn’t use porn, just pictures a single (to avoid Coolidge effect) girl in bikini who really resembles my girlfriend.
I have noticed that the hours and days right after a relapsing are the most difficult one: You feel like giving up. That’s the only reason I gave up all my 7 attempts of breaking the chains of PMO during these 24 years.
Some attempts were relatively successful and some other were a complete failure. This one is special as I’m trying the ‘standard model’ and I have a girlfriend who really supports me. In addition, I’m getting to learn how the porn acts in our brains.
One step at a time: wish me good luck. 
GOOD NEWS: The results of almost 1 month of porn detox → Slowly recovery from PIED
GOOD THINGS: I have noticed a gradual improvement on the duration of my erections which is amazing! The best erections in several years and the best sexual performances in my life, although I couldn’t reach the orgasm by penetration. In the same time I’m feeling more sexually attracted to my girlfriend, and also I have much much more free time. Our relation has improved considerably.
CHALLENGES: It’s been a little harder to cope with some daily frustrations as I taught my brain to look for porn when I have any problem like: loose some money, an argue with a colleague, overload of work and so on.
RELAPSES: I’m talking about 24 years of PMO. Relapses are expected: So I built a procedure to lessen the effects of the eminent falls: I didn’t use porn on my three relapses on this period of 1-month porn detox. And I just used bikini photos of a single woman, in order to avoid Coolidge Effect or by memory.
CONCLUSION: The frequency used to be 2 long (more than 2 hours) PMO every single day for years. Now changed to 1 relapse MO per week. So the decrease was by 14 times!!! My relation with my girlfriend improved and my sexual performance with her has improved quite a lot, the best in my life!
In few months I’ll be 38, and I would complete 19 years of PIED.
Brother … Keep moving and keep fighting your urges …
We are with you … I am also experiencing PIED … God know what will happen in future … But I am for damn sure , Relapse could never be an option … Myself 29 , using porn since 13-14 years … It’s pathetic to think about my situation …
I am On Nofap Journey , Current streak 72 … Have 6 WDs so far … And I am happy … Atleast I know , I am on right track … Just waiting for Morning Wood and Maintaining Longer Ercetions … I desperately need that … I don’t know even when I will be cured from PIED.
This journey is real fucking hard … Sometimes urges are so strong … My whole day passed dealing with urges … And some days , I don’t have to think a bit about urges …
Urges are natural , but porn … This is Unnatural … We have take care of ourselves …
Good day brother … Keep Fighting …
THE COOLIDGE’s
It was a day-off and we had a whole afternoon for ourselves. Months before a friend in common had presented her to me. Interest at the first glance: she looked like an angel to me.
This afternoon we have organized ourselves to have the first complete sexual experience. We didn’t say it through words, but we knew it would happen.
I organized my small flat, had a shower, chose the best CDs: pleasant and calm songs. As the doorbell rang I opened the door and there she was: A smiling angel. This time I wasn’t nervous since we knew each other for months, I knew her parents, her house and her body.
The aircraft lined up upon the threshold of the runway. Full power. The plane began to move. But the take off speed would never be reached. No enough speed available. The plane overshoot the runway, no one survived.
Although I loved her, although I knew her, my sexual arousal wasn’t enough for the penetration, not for a single one. It lasted just seconds, which is the enough time to open another tab on the browser. Before me, there was an angel-like figure, sacred opened soul, a real person, the person I loved. It was as if seconds after tasting a candy I desperately wanted another flavor.
Minutes after I’d took her to the bus stop I found myself scrolling down the porn videos list I had saved on my PC. I knew this time I would have my pleasure, fake. I hated myself for that.
She was so upset. She thought it had to do with her body. This event happened over and over again. Few weeks before we broke up, at one night, her angel-like eyes struggled to hold the tears as she confessed that she really wanted to feel me inside of her.
She was my first actual girlfriend. Our relationship lasted 2 years, with no penetration and no orgasm. It was in 2005/2006 and I was only 21/22 years old.
Ps.: 3 years ago I found her over the internet. We started a brief conversation and she told me after we broke up she met the man who changed her life and really made her happy in all ways. I felt like an irrelevant person. That would better have never existed in her life. Perhaps I had never existed indeed.