I confess I am a broken man. I lied to myself a lot over the last 3 years and I made myself weaker, vulnerable, and pathetic.
It’s midnight while I am writing this. It is as if the whole world is on my shoulders. My mind is blurry and I have no clear vision. Though my story might seem normal or better than yours, the way I see it, it’s a nightmare.
When I was young, I was a brilliant kid. I believe I was smarter than I am now, at least in my studies. Full mark in scientific subjects was just a walk in the park.
I had a mind that surpassed others within 3-5 years. I was a leader, the strongest. I even remember arm wrestling 6 arms at the same time and winning! When I was 9, my teacher told me, “After 417 days, what day would it be?” And I answered, “Tuesday, madam”. I still remember it like it was yesterday.
Sorry if I seem too arrogant but this is the first time I actually “let it all out” in this forum. I’ve been too busy with listening and helping others I forgot to help myself.
So where were we… Oh yeah.
I used to be so energetic, so alive! Until I met HIM.
I was 13 back then. I had no idea about sex, masturbation, or pornography. I didn’t even know how babies were born. HE explained it to me. But not in a proper manner.
“Open your browser and learn, if you don’t believe me.”, he said. It was so unbelievable that I searched for it just out of curiosity 3 months later.
If I remember correctly, I was so confused why people are addicted to things. Why some people can’t stop smoking? They have to “not smoke” and that’s all right?
It wasn’t as simple as that.
Saturday, May 23rd, 2020, at 16:07, the lockdown period. It was then I began an entirely different phase of my life. My hands trembled, my teeth moved up and down and I didn’t feel right. I was scared!
I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again. Ever! “But hey, that felt… Good.”
And that’s how I got into this trap. It started with “one more time wouldn’t hurt” and 4 years later:
Do you know why you shouldn’t have done it?
Anywho 
everything changed within me. I gradually became lazy and my face started to lose its ora, not to mention my hair started to fall. My grades didn’t drop but I started making a huge effort to keep them like they used to.
Before, I used to be at the top of my class because I had a huge potential and an early desire to learn, allowing me to surpass others. Today I’m at the top of my class because I work extremely hard with an average study time of 15 hours every day this year.
Perhaps the only thing that remained and got better was my melody. I’ve been a pianist for 10 years and improved my piano musicality with an average of just 15 minutes a day of play. Mozart was addicted to alcohol but that didn’t affect his amazing talent (but it did explain the nostalgic feeling I get from listening to/playing his musical pieces 
)
Now. I joined this forum about 2 years ago. I’m still on day 1 right now and can’t believe it.
I’m sorry if I’m being arrogant again; I started to believe I’m the nicest person I know. I have no interest in revenge against anyone, I like everyone. Everyone is my friend and wants me because they see that kindness within me.
But this kindness has a very dark side. “The Mr Nice Guy” side. The one who cares about others MORE than himself. And this problem has been going on for years now.
Man, even after writing this, I feel guilty 
The reason is that I wrote my feelings instead of helping someone. This is starting to sound like a disease. At this point, I think I’m crazy…
Or perhaps it was that weight I kept in my heart for many years. I haven’t shared this story with anyone. Not even with my parents, tears run down my face after so long. I forgot that I can express myself and have brothers and sisters who can listen and understand my pain. I forgot I could cry and let it all out. I forgot I could improve.
Let me say that again.
I FORGOT THAT I CAN IMPROVE!
Yes, I. I can. It’s not about him anymore. It’s time for me now. I don’t know what to do after this but I’m just glad that I wrote this. I now know how it feels to write a long post about yourself. I feel better. I am getting a glimpse of this inner peace and am grateful that a community like this exists.
So, @Binocular, shall we start? It’s been a long time since you joined this place and it’s about time you end this once and for all.
Here I go. Finally!
thanks for the advice.
those 10-minute breaks can be considered like boosters. A car can not go far without being filled with gas whenever needed.
. Only the strong are respected.
but nothing says I can’t do it again.
