Beef's Diary: A long journey

Hello brothers! If you havent seen my introduction post allow me to give a brief summary; I go by “Beef” 21[M] or “BeefChicken” and i have been struggling with pmo for roughly 11 years. Im tired of feeling so weak and useless, so i am making this diary to keep track of my journey to a better life. I hope to make some friends along the way!

Day 1: Today im making some small changes to my personal routine. I will be going back to cold showers to attempt to instill discipline back into my mind. Lately i feel like i have become too comfortable with being comfortable. I once heard someone say its impossible to grow in your comfort zone and im beginning to see that now. I cant find the motivation to go to the gym, to eat healthy, or turn away from pmo. Ive even began buying some Onlyfans, which is something i swore to never do. So I am hoping that reverting back to cold showers will help me regain control over my mind. If anyone has any advice on building discipline i would love to hear it!

On a side note i have been stressing out over work. We have a new manager who hasnt been the best addition to our team. Our store has seen a massive drop in performance ever since his arrival. Ill refer to him as “John” for future reference. John arrived and quickly began making changes that negatively affected the business and began picking favorites over the employees that had already been there for years, such as myself. The last two days he has seemed to try and improve his work ethic, but only time will tell.

Till next time brothers!
“You judge a ship by how well it handles rough water”


Day 2: Todays entry is going to be a continuation of yesterday’s. It makes more sense to summarize at the end of the day than the start, so I’ll basically be recapping until tonight. Yesterday was both a good and bad day. I came close to pmo when i started feeling urges but i was able to suppress them. I didnt relapse and managed to avoid all explicit imagery. While this is a major win for me I was also disappointed in myself for not going to the gym. It began raining in my area for the first time in a while and the weather just made me want to stay home. Spent most of the day playing video games and eating bad. However im taking this bad side with a grain of salt. Because even though i didnt follow through on my diet or exercise, i managed to not relapse and get to bed at a good time. I also completed my first cold shower in a long time. It was rough but i felt great afterwards! After my shower i did some stretches and made breakfast. 3 scrambled eggs, bagel with cream cheese, and some matcha. Afterwards it began to rain and thats when i started falling. Bought fast food on doordash and then got ice cream in the night. Today will be better though! Ive also organized my daily planner so my financials are all organized. I look forward to tonight when i recap for today.

I hope everyone is well!
“Never let the future disturb you - you will meet it with the same weapons of reason and mind that, today, guard you against the present”

Consider this the second part of day 2
It was a good day overall. I went out for some breakfast and then played some games at an arcade, met with some old friends and just tried to stay busy. I will say i can feel the urges creeping up. Even now as i type this entry its getting difficult. However i will stay strong, now is a good time for bed. If i go to sleep now and turn off my phone i can get a good nights rest without worrying about pmo. Till next time ~Beef

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Please don’t repeat that bro. That’s the worst possible thing you could do while on this journey of recovery.

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Day 3: Relapse

While I shamefully must admit i did relapse, i am still keeping positive. I am doing my best to stay motivated despite this failure. Ive noticed throughout my day i get the urges, and as soon as I’m alone i cave. Theres nothing that really triggers it either. It just creeps up on me out of nowhere. Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, and this will be a good test to see just how strong i am mentally. Gym, car maintenance, and some cleaning are my three big goals. Number one goal, AVOID PMO! I must stay strong, and please if anyone has advice on overcoming these urges please lmk. Any help is appreciated, i hope everyone is well :muscle:

Day 1:Trying to stay consistent

Was debating whether to call this day 1 or day 4, but since i relapsed i decided to restart. Today was both good and bad. I woke up, had a nice healthy breakfast, cold shower, then went on a 6k run. Very productive and efficient. But when i returned home i started feeling the urges, started pmo then stopped myself before it got too far. I watched a movie and that took my mind off of it. However when the movie finished the urges came back. They only seem to get stronger and im not sure how to supress them. But i will continue to try. Ive noticed around 5 or 6pm is when they feel the strongest. Perhaps staying occupied in those hours could be very beneficial. I will see what these next few days look like ahead

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Well brother its been a minute. Sorry for the absence, but school has recently started so ive been busy. However I am ashamed to admit, i have been relapsing uncontrollably. Some days im so consistent, im working and staying productive, then other days im non stop relapsing. Please, any advice anyone. I need help staying motivated and consistent

I empathize with your constant relapses. As summertime ends, school reopens, and schedules change, things aren’t so simple. To make things easy, continue writing your thoughts, especially during relapses. By doing so, you will constantly keep yourself accountable.

No matter what you decide, I’m cheering for you!


Once again I am back from hiatus. I will be 100% honest brothers my jounrey hasn’t been going so well. I am relapsing almost every day. Im barely lucky to even make it one day clean. I am also already behind in my school work and fear ive begun to dig a hole for myself. This wont be the story of me. I am going to become more structured and organized. I will set small goals for myself for every day and one big goal for every week.
Daily goals for Saturday 9/9:
•Complete Homework assignments
•Cold shower in the morning
•Limit 2 hour total phone use
Weekly goal for week of 9/10:
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class

I will be using this structure to get back on track. Im tired of feeling like a failure, i WILL overcome my demons.

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Im trying to stay consistent, but most importantly i need to be honest. I relapsed again, its getting to the point where i feel like i relapse every day. I did study and finish a good chunk of my homework, but i still relapse and still struggle with focusing. I need to get my phone use down as well. If anyone knows any apps to keep track of phone use time please let me know, I’d appreciate it. I NEED to stop taking my phone into the bathroom. It always leads to relapse.
Daily goals for Sunday 9/10:
•Finish the remaining homework
•Push through work and try to leave early
•Cold shower in the morning
Weekly goal for week of 9/10:
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class

Setting daily goals is showing benefits. ZERO RELAPSE YESTERDAY! A small but important victory showing myself that i can do this. I also locked in and completed all my homework assignments. My phone usage is still high, and im stuck in a bit of conundrum. On one hand I want to uninstall social media, but that is how I communicate with everyone I know. It really just boils down to discipline i suppose. Despite my stress with school recently I feel like im mostly caught up on my work. Now I just have to keep the momentum going.
Daily goals for Monday 9/11:
•Do laundry
•Do all dishes
• 30 Mins of studying for 2 Big classes
Weekly goal for week of 9/10:
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class

Apologies for the back to back posts, the previous one was a late post from the day before. This one is for today. I must say im feeling hungrier than ever. Hungry for success, for growth, for strength. I came close to relapse this morning when i woke up to urges. So i forced myself out of bed, make a hearty breakfast, did laundry, washed dishes, and studied. Although i wish i studied a little longer i was still overall productive. Day 2 no relapse, i must stay strong. Tomorrow bright and early ill do a cold shower. (I have been doing cold showers a lot lately) Then school, and studying. I feel good, bettee than i have felt in recent times.
Daily goals for Tuesday 9/12:
•Be to class on time
•Complete Homework for class 1
•Study session for other 2 classes (1 hour each)
•Workout at gym
Weekly goal for week of 9/10:
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class
•NEW GOAL: 1 week no relapse

Today was a rough day. I relapsed and didnt achieve the amount of studying i wanted or go to the gym. I feel very disappointed in myself because of what led to relapse. I took my phone with me into the bathroom again and then it happened. All day i couldnt focus on my school work and i skipped the gym because I said i was “studying”. I also spent too long on social media. Ive installed an app that blocks overuse of social media and bad sites. After seeing i spend nearly 7 hours on social media today i knew i needed a change.
Daily goals for Wednesday 9/13:
•Early morning workout
•Finish class module and start studying for exam
•No more than 2 hours total phone usage
Weekly goal for week of 9/10
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class
•Dont relapse for rest of the week

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No relapse for Wednesday! I will say im very disappointed i didnt do any studying. Plan is to stop by the store and get an energy drink after work and hit the books. In another thread i saw i relapsed the same day as a few other guys and we’re all starting fresh, i wish them the best and ill be using this as motivation. Still havent made time for the gym, i really need to get caught up on school work. Today im going to get a large chunk of work done.
Daily goals for Thursday 9/14:
•Finish majority of homework to free up the weekend
•Email teacher about the exam
•No relapse
•Clean kitchen
Weekly goal for week of 9/10:
•Achieve 4 hours of study time for each class
•Dont relapse for rest of the week

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I love your honesty. Job well done!

Hello again brothers. Sorry for the hiatus once again, but school and work have been absolutely killing me. Top that with the relapsing and you can see ive been struggling. However im approaching 3 days clean now, and im trying to be more efficient in my everyday life. I feel hungry again! Right now i must focus on setting a daily routine and budgeting money better. I will be back tomorrow with a more thorough and structured post!


No matter how long it takes or how low you have reached, you will always have a place here. I’ll be waiting for your return!

All boxers get knocked down, but the champions are the ones who get back up :slight_smile:


Hello brothers i hope all is well! I apologize for being gone for so long again but recently I’ve made an effort to detox from my cell phone. I’ve deleted all social media and used my phones screen time restriction feature to limit my use. I will be giving an in depth view on my detox and its effect on no fap in about 2 weeks. I just wanted to stop by and send positive energy to you all.
And a big thank you to @NeutralCasper for your kind words. I think of your replies and your own personal diary whenever I feel discouraged and it helps me find motivation again. Im sending positive energy and strength your way brother!

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Hello everyone, I have returned from my 2 week detox with mixed emotions. In this experience I’ve learned one very hard truth about myself. I have zero discipline. Though I have shame in admitting this, I know honesty is the first step towards my goals. My original plan was to rid myself of social media, due to the many triggers it has for relapse (instagram models and such).However about a week into my “detox” i reinstalled and relapsed. I was unable to set any long streaks either. I would go on average 2 days clean before I caved and relapsed, then I’d go another 2 days and relapse.
Fortunately I’ve been reading into ways to build discipline and achieve better habits for school. PMO has mostly impacted my academics and my attention span. I purchased a book from Cal Newport called Deep Work and also started listening to The Mindset Mentor podcast by Rob Dial. I highly recommend both of these to anyone trying to strengthen their focus and discipline. I’ve learned that it takes (roughly) 21 days to make/break a habit. So I am giving myself that exact amount of time. Perfect considering the start of the new month. So here are the things I want to make habit:
•A productive morning routine
•Consistant studying schedule
•Responsible money spending
There are more things I’d like to work on, however I dont want to overload mystelf and get burned out. I will also be trying to document this experience here for anyone looking to take on a similar challenge. Please do not wish me luck brothers, but rather give me strength. For strength will hold you up when you aren’t lucky enough to be carried! I hope everyone is doing well :muscle:

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I wanted to share a resource that helped me, and wanted to let you know that I’m still cheering you on, mate!