Bashi's notes on recovery

Diary
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28

Day 71
Each weak I look at my current progress in recovery and reflect on a couple of questions. I find reviewing my plan and progress to be extremely helpful. Doing so, I notice what can be improved.

Maybe I’m not accountable enough and some things I do remain in secrecy and that can become a problem in the future. Maybe I haven’t been building my healthy habits enough, there’s more I can do. Maybe my supporting circle is lacking someone who really understands.

This is really about raising awareness, connecting with others, having the proper tools in place, making commitments and sharing those with others and last but not least reviewing this regularly.

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You are doing great man, very reflective and contemplative. It’s kind of a synchronicity when you find a thread in this little forum in that little great community and identify or agree with so many points.

I wish you the greatest success, this is a built-up for when the universe around you provides you with subtle invitations into higher realities.

Peace and stength

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Thank you for your words man.

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Day 73
Started my next 30 days sprint today. Increased my commitment. I’m motivated to fully improve. This time, I want to pass 90 days and feel a stronger reboot than back at day 150.

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Day 76
Started this journal on day 26. 50 days later I’m still posting. 50 times 1 day of commitment, going for the right habits, staying accountable and connecting with others.

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Day 0
This post is for clarification.
I really want to gain more control over my mind and actions. I haven’t looked at porn, nor masturbated so it’s still almost 80 days no PM. On the 27th August though, I started a hardmode sprint and in the evening of the 31st August I didn’t resist and had s*x with my girlfriend. Anyway, I know that by reading this it sounds pretty dumb and harsh to reset the counter, if you knew more about the details (maybe) it would make more sense.

Starting today, 1st September, I’m increasing my commitment and going for a clean 30 days hardmode sprint.

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Day 1
Take your own words seriously, it’s crucial. If you say you want to go porn free but have doubts, then perhaps it’s a sign you should increase your commitment and your accountability. If you say you are doing no PM but masturbate to instagram models, then you are cheating yourself. If you set boundaries and define something as a relapse, just to cross that boundary and keep on going without going through the consequences, then you are cheating yourself. Cheating won’t get you anywhere. Feeding your ego won’t help you in recovery but honesty and connections will.

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Day 6
It’s been over 83 days no PM and now 6 days hardmode. This journey is worth every struggle. I connect with others better, I’m more aware of what’s going on inside me and with a stronger commitment, this is also getting easier, even hardmode actually. So take out the risk factor as much as possible and commit to this recovery and you’ll succeed.

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Day 12
There’s something about keeping my word and having integrity that allows me to unlock my nofap benefits. I don’t know why that is but I know it’s my main reason to quit. It’s not the abstinence that gives you the benefits, that’s just how you get there. It’s your own personal reason to quit, that once fulfilled, will allow you to grow as a person and experience confidence, connection and just being present.

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Day 14
You are exactly where you really want to be. This quote reminds me of being intentional and having a commitment to being porn free.

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Day 18
Take it day by day, specially when times are difficult, and you’ll build your future self.

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“Day 29
The more I abstain, the better my relationships get. It’s about being honest with others, being in the moment and being genuine. It’s that confidence that isn’t arrogant but honest and open.”

What a great statement! I have also realized this as I have been on this journey. I used to think building the best relationships and being confident was to be all knowledgeable and more competent at everything. To be competitive.

But I’ve realized that true confidence and the true builder of good relationships is to be honest with yourself and others about where you are in life, who you are, and what your present abilities are.

I think when we respect ourselves for where we are, people in turn respect that honesty.

Good stuff man. Just started reading your journals, but I am finding them super motivating!

Keep up the honest work!

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Thank you for your kind words man!

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Day 21
In two days, it’s 100 days of being free of porn for me. I broke commitments on the way, which is why I reset, but I did not go back to porn or anything artificially sexually stimulating on the way. So 21 days of doing extra well, I guess.

This has been possible due to sprint planning, tools and good habits, accountability and connection. This addiction feeds on all the opposites: bad reactions in the moment, unfiltered devices and idle mode in front of the computer, secrecy and isolation. I’m continuing to reduce those factors with each sprint, must look ahead.

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Day 22
This addiction might feel like a huge burden sometimes and we might get tired of trying too. In reality though, life is happening now. Time won’t stop to let you figure shit out. We share this planet with a bunch of other earthlings. Imagine what other people are doing in this very moment. So much is going on and yet our planet is moving in a perfectly quiet universe. Our problems are small in those scales. So don’t hold grudges and move on. Make the right decisions today, the time to enjoy life is now.

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Day 26
Each person doing PMO moves in a cycle. You watch porn, feel shame for what you did, further isolate and once there’s again an emotional or physical trigger, you go back to porn. The cycle starts over and over and over… it seems endless.

You can effectively master recovery and break that cycle. Remove shame and isolation from the equation. Here’s why only that will work in the long term:

Porn will always be there. You can use blockers but most of them can be bypassed somehow. If it’s not porn, then perhaps you’ll move to arousing content on youtube or follow instagram models. The addicted part of you will try to get back to the arousing pixels somehow and, remaining in the cycle, that part of you will win every time.

Feeling shame is normal but that’s only half the truth. It’s normal because we live in a world where selfishness and hiding our true emotions is the norm, mainly because we are trained to consume porn, trash television and other crappy media. By accepting yourself, being honest, open and genuine with the people in your life, you will find the people you can connect with. Connect with others and shame will fade. It won’t further hold power over you. Having people in your life who understand what it means to be in recovery will weaken the feeling of shame and thus isolation will reduce too. You further commit to reducing isolation in your life by staying accountable. Let people know what you are doing, even if it’s stuff in your weakest moments - specially then.

The next time a trigger bothers you, you’ll be able to reach out and your methods in place will make you surpass that urge. The cycle won’t be there anymore, it’s in the past. The triggers will always be there though, because there’s always a stressfull moment at work/school, that girl wearing tight pants at the grocery store or the bikinis at the beach. With shame and isolation out of the equation though, your reaction will be different and that matters.

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Yes @anon13059885 you are right , it’s the cycle. Let’s break this cycle once and for all.

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Day 29
In a couple of hours I’m completing 30 days. I started this sprint on hardmode and moved again to classic mode at some point. Tomorrow I’m starting the sprint for October. I’m doing sprints over and over, getting great results if done right.

What’s a sprint?, you may ask yourself now. A sprint is a powerful tool that sums up everything you need in recovery: a goal, a reason, awareness, a consequence, a reward, active commitments and someone to share this path with. Let me split this in parts.

a goal
Basically you set the goal “I want to be free of PMO” for 30 days, so for an entire month. We all know that this fight is day by day struggle but it’s easy to forget that on this journey. Thinking in bigger time frames, for example 90 days, often seems really difficult to manage or too far away. What happens is: we either forget our reason around day 60 or one struggle in one day seems to much and we relapse. So the sprint splits this journey in manageable junks, you’ll see that this positively impacts your thinking.

a reason
this is your selfish reason to go P free. Ideally it’s that one sentence that reminds you of the importance of this journey. It’s a sentence you know by hard and it’s always part of your sprint. Mine for example is “I’m tired of hiding and acting against my values and I want more integrity.”. Note that my reason has one part of what I’m tired of and the second part is what I’d get out of being free of this addiction. I do have way more costs and benefits in mind too but the things mentioned in that sentence are the most important for me. I’d recommend you build a sentence like that for your journey too.

awareness
in this part of the sprint you write down threats, mistaken beliefs and weak links that you think might be the case in the upcoming 30 days. Examples can be “warm showers”, “ignoring healthy habits”, “boredom” or an “unsecured” device. With each sprint you’ll get better at identifying the root cause of your relapses and this list gets shorter and better in detail.

a consequence
this provides extra motivation. A good consequence is not just a torture, it’s a tool to make you reflect and connect with others. Good consequences can make more time for the important things or make you connect. Good examples are: “No gaming for 30 days”, “Calling my accountability partner every day for a whole week”, “inviting my family for dinner” or “doing the dishes for my family for 30 days”. If you relapse during these 30 days, you execute the consequence and do better next time. A good consequence will remind you of the relapse and also help you keep your word.

a reward
we must celebrate success to remind ourselves that being free is more than worth it. A reward can be something you’d like to treat yourself with or something that makes you connect with others. For example getting a new game in a limited edition or treating yourself with an extraordinary meal with your loved ones. This is like a “high five” to yourself: I’m doing well!.

active commitments
recovery is about actively committing to a better life, it’s not something that “just” happens. So in this part of the sprint plan you write down what you’ll actively be doing during the upcoming 30 days. Good examples are: F.A.S.T. check-ins on a weekly basis, keeping a morning routine, writing a dairy, scheduled workouts, a fix number of healthy habits per day, calling someone daily or using an accountability reporting software (e.g. Accountable2You or Covenant Eyes) on all your devices. Note how these are all active commitments. Instead of saying “I’m not doing this or not doing that” these commitments all phrase what you’ll be doing. Keep it simple and preferably controllable too, in a sense that you can count it in numbers or easily tell if you’ve been doing it or not.

someone to share this with
so you put all these parts mentioned above together, have that written in a document and share it with one person. That person is your accountability partner and you regularly check your progress during those 30 days. I’d recommend doing this on a weekly basis. If you do have F.A.S.T-check ins as one of your active commitments, then you’ll do the check there.

Haven’t tried doing a sprint yet? It’s about time!

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Brilliant post - tools like this are necessary on this journey!

Thanks for sharing!

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Day 32
In my current state, doing nofap just feels normal and I don’t feel like this is taking any extra effort at the moment. I’m not saying any of this easy though. What I’m saying is: investing your time and effort in sprint planning and all the parts of it, will make you put your energy in the right direction and thus nofap will be a side effect, just as it should be. Because “nofap” is about not doing something, everything else in life though is about doings something.

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