I will tell you whats my problem. I admit one thing. I have a crush on a women in my class. She is also a classmate of mine during Btech days , a typical nerd , a topper.
During my Btech days , I always consider nothing compared to her. I was heavily addicted to PMO that time. During the transition between completion of Btech and joining Mtech , I was on full mode self improvement that time. Those times I had zero expectation . Just doing it.
I lost 13 Kgs by that time , started studying well , and had a decent no fap streak too. I had to write an exam to get into Mtech I am studying rn. And I got better rank than her. I was so excited. Arrogance started to take control over me , It didnt reflect in my action but still its in my mind.
So me and that girl is in the same class. But soon I came to realise that I just got lucky with mcq so that I got better rank than her. She is much much better than me. But I didnt give up the hope , studying 10 - 15 hrs a day to cope up with my classmates by sacrificing health . Sometimes I do get burnt out but still push myself to very extent. Insanity used to drive me crazy but started to question insanity to work till very end.
I am not trying to be cocky . Do here me out. I got the best college in Kerala for pursuing Mtech removing IIT and Nit’s out there. In my B.tech days , I joined a mediocre private college. So there was a big transition from a Tier 2 college to Tier 1 one college and that too taking an Mtech.
Tbh , I joined Mtech only because I can see her more and not because I wanted to study. Still I tried to push as much as I can. Burnout never made me gave up. I started to be in par with her wrt performance . So I started to get some attention from her. But there is a problem. My performance was solely depended on how she behaves towards me.
If she gave me a frown look , thats more than enough to ruin my whole day. But trust me , I am not a simp. If any other girl have done that , I dont give a damn about it.
Tbh she is not that pretty compared to other women in my class. Also I am not even impresssed by her behaviour too. The main reason I got attracted towards her is because I had a crush on my 12th standard with same birthday due to some random coincidence. She looks exactly like her. But the crush I’ve seen in my 12th is different. She is like a role model to me even now.
As I have said to you earlier , I have a habit of suppressing my crush related thoughts by defeating her in academics. I always consider myself like I will remain single until arranged marriage as per decision of parents. So this is the only way I use to fight with these thoughts.
So when I saw her in Mtech , I started to visualise her as my crush in during 12th standard . Now why do I think like that ? I had bad experience in my 12th. I was physically bullied because of alchohol related problem. It developed a PTSD like situation that time. So every memory I had in my 12th is so much amplified compared to other past memories.
Anyway I was unable to defeat her in Btech because of PMO problem. But for M.tech things got changed a little. During the 1st internals , even tho I got lesser marks ( I blame financial problems that I had earlier , otherwise i am sure I will be able to defeat her ) than her. I was near to her marks.
So as mentioned earlier , my performance was depended on her mood. But still kept moving. But one day , I came to know a devastating thing. She has a boyfriend. My mind was shattered man. I admit , I cried like a baby in private.
Then I tried to be like a bestie of her. Because I just like her man. But that backfired. More emotions started to control me. Shedding of tears became more common after that.
After that I tried my level best to not let my performance depend on her. And tbh it worked for a while. I started ignoring her for the sake of my own mental health. And tbh I did expect her to initiate a convo with me from her side. But it didnt happen. She doesnt even care. Its understandable since she already have a bf and studious people to deal with her studies. So why me ?
But kept on. moving on. But after a while. I started losing momentum. Losing hope. Tbh it took me some amount of self reflection to get into this answer. Because nothing here was abrupt , everthing was gradual. I was not destroyed all of a sudden. I was getting destroyed slowly. So thats why , It took me some time to understand the root cause of my problem
@Awaken_one , Its totally fine if you dont have a solution. In fact I am grateful to you for the help and support you’ve done earlier. I am just writing this to let it all out.