Arrows of Fire Diary {21M}

Hi! Am Parikshit (21 M). Out of all difficult things in my life, journalising has been one. It’s not that I never wanted to write or …(some excuse I could put up). It’s because I am really emotionally unstable. I feel drained to recall things that happened in my day to day life.

Never the less, this time I would try to jot down them. But I would like to state the reasons for my journalising or else I would stop it with some excuse.

  1. I want to have an accountability on myself
  2. I want to flush out my emotions in my diary. Living with them have really made me unstable.
  3. I would appreciate friends in my journey with whom I can relate and have conversations with.

Sharing Code: frnwn5

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Welcome to the community

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@Amitroghates thanks brother. It would be an interesting journey here on.

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2023-10-25T18:30:00Z

Day 1

Even before beginning days properly, I had to face defeat. That’s not how I wanted to start. Still I have to go on. And therefore with much accumulated will and courage, am back again.

I remained busy today (mostly).Had some great food and had conversation with my cousin sisters. Though I can’t term them productive but it felt good to let out my expressions after many days.

I myself even didn’t do something superbly productive or something that I can really call as “work”. What so ever, I passed Day 1.

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Shiva & Vishnu are good friends. :smiling_face::slightly_smiling_face:

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2023-10-29T17:32:00Z

Day 1

Guilt and shame probably didn’t allow me to write my journal. Relapses after relapses…I was tired. I didn’t feel like to write or even merely express myself.
Today I remained busy watching India vs England match. What a match it was!!! I honestly didn’t feel that we would win and that too by a mark of 100 runs. But the exceptional play by our players created magic on field and made the impossible happen.

Though, I think… I should take some lessons from the approach of our team. I do have a very bad habit of procrastinating things or even worse accepting defeats when even minor problems arise. It requires a courageous and brave heart to accept challenges and fight. Let the results just remain results. Fighting has it’s own fun.

Next plan of action:

I have already wasted/procrastinated a month. I need to get back to my preparation asap. I will prepare the routine by tonight and start implementing from tomorrow onwards.

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Day 1

This pains me to see that I have written my diary more than two weeks ago. Not that I didn’t feel to write but I couldn’t. All due to constant relapses and even the inability to cross Day 2 mark. What wrongs have I done? Preferably nothing. Yet I don’t know what happens just when the urges hit. I become a mad man. Running to get that dopamine and serotonin rush no matter what. Even if costs me my health and happiness. I sometimes seem to question my existence.
Ah!!! I don’t know when I will get a respite from all of this. God provide me strength.

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you relapse after watching ■■■■ or something else.?

i would say take a paper and write why you wanna stop fapping.
you can not do anything without knowing why to do that thing. Find a reason and apply your energy for that purpose

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Yaa. I also thought about it. But trust me bro am in such bad condition that even it seems I don’t wanna commit to something.
In past, I have tried, promised and did many pledges. Nothing worked. Now would again a commitment paper or why I want to do paper help me?
I don’t know.
Still I would try to prepare a sheet.

Thanks for the recommendation bro @Changed_one

i have been in worse situation, all these are excuses

do one thing spend some time here, read people diary from start,
I can’t advise you to do this because my method of stopping urges is the opposite and it only works for me.

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Yeah my friend. I totally agree with you and therefore am trying to put up preventive measures. I hope this time I won’t loose to excuses, let alone urges.

Hey bro @Simhavishnu how are you doing now?

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@Binocular am bad. pretty bad. Still can’t lose, won’t lose.

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And how will you do that?

Day 5

Have I really come this far? It appears just another dream that I have been seeing lying on my bed for the past few months. It has been 10 months since I last crossed Day 5. 10 months ago!!!
After that, why couldn’t I? The list is endless. Still to state a few

  1. Pressure due to Entrance exam prep
  2. Anxiety for result
  3. I got my dream University but had to leave due to illness. Which got followed by severe depression.

See. I know, I used them as a blanket of excuses. But I was seriously unable to cope up.

Finally after 10 months of pain, I could atleast reach to Day 5. I know it’s not much. But am still thankful to Bhagwan for giving me atleast an opportunity to improve.
Problems are still there. Tension is still there. And in these few months, I have learnt that problems will never erase from our lives. The mental strength of Brahmacharya helps us to fight with it.

I will talk about other problems and how am doing in life in later posts. Hope to receive support from fellow brothers and sisters. :pray::pray:

Hey Bro. I too am preparing for Entrance exam. I am on day 355 before this streak my maximum was 21 day in 7 years of masturbation. I quit smoking too last year. I felt that masturbation and smoking both are affecting my mind and my studies. I listend to some of pravachan of Hit Premanand ji and got the motivation to divert my mind from these addiction to studies. Some days its hard but at the end of the day it feels great to conquer this habbit one more day. Try to divert your mind from vulgarity to studies it’ll Help You. Think about your future from to POV, one if you kept masturbating and other if you quit masturbating and about your Result Anxiety Just know that you cant control result but you can only work for it.

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Day 11

As I just type the above-mentioned days, I am filled with utmost pride on myself. Who thought, I would, I could. But still I remained in my battle and quite victorious. Maybe, this victory will only be celebrated on a grand scale in Day 90+, which reminds me of the leftover journey. But still the small goals weren’t possible for me just a month back.

Thanks God! Thanks a lot for giving me the direction in my life. Your kindness has led me this long away from the most dirtiest emotions of humans, lust.

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Long time where are you brother @Simhavishnu