As tempting as it may be, I could say the day was awesome! or the day was not good…
But it will be wise to admit The day went by as it should go…
Because, I’m under medications for my TB, it is causing me excessive sleepiness (probably; as I’ve been either nodding off to sleep wherever I sit or wanting to go to sleep)… so thankfully the day went by uneventful.
However, good news is that- I started with one of my goals to learn a new language. Writing off on a notebook after breakfast this morning… and then some studies, and yeah that huge sleep period of 12 noon till 4 afternoon- a productive time gone in bed or a rest that was due… better to think positive.
Thankfully, no thoughts, no urges, no harm done to anyone in my thoughts.
Off to day end on a happy yet vigilant note.
So,… I had to come face to face with this near urge,… It all started, when I went through a notification from one of groups offering a chance to get a mentor for my studies- All so happy, I filled in and searched and messaged the person (who was from NZ) but I don’t know! why? I sent him an application introducing about myself on the messenger, I was very really very polite… inspite of it all, he blocked me (because it showed I cannot reply further to the chat)
Why do people be this rude?
This set me off so bad, so bad… i had also downloaded an app seeing it from the message board which advertises about planting trees… so I quickly decided to browse from that… first of all though thankfully I decided to see if I can play this certain game, if I can login… which wasn’t possible due to flash error message…
which did not make me turn around and instead I decided to login another way (by the way, it isn’t a sex game- its a safe family game but its a game afterall, on a morning at 10 o clock; one from which I am also trying to quit addiction)… and in it I logged in and stayed for 30 mins before it struck me 'OMG! what did I do? I broke, I relapsed to my gaming addiction which is a very different thing from here…
But it didnt stop there, because back to the searching the urges started- first comics, then the specific name of the publishing house of those comics… but as God is always watching, as my vigilance is always working- right as the webpage popped up, I told myself, ‘Ok stop.’
…and exited back… sat down trying to realise what I just went through- so much sared and horrified.
Later, I continued with learning my new language and breakfast and hopefully, my day would go well despite the fact that I had heavy urges to find out a way to get back into those chats and game chats.
Thank you God
What was the trigger? Maybe holding onto the bad experience(?) or something, something I may know or may not…
But what I know is, I kept on thinking as the urges increased and there, instead of ignoring I was entertaining them…
I forgot, its the brain playing tricks trying to coax me and find a reason to think about thr triggers from the urges themselves- since most are psychological for me, so right when I’m in negative state of mind; it starts (mostly the part where I get sad because nobody listens to me)
This is not the end. i had fallen and got up before, I will get back up now… I had fallen prey to the tricks then, I won’t fall prey to the tricks now…
No more thinking about the triggers, the triggers leading the urges- those kind of triggers; no more falling prey to brain’s tricks…
I was strong, I have to be strong.
I have decided to not write the number of days henceforth, honestly I felt inspired by @Forerunner way of being grateful for each day…
So, a cheers to him Thank you for being positive brother, i read your journal and it felt so assuring.
The day before and before that, were spent reading online article blogs and listening to videos that teach about coping from relapses as well those the articles on why we keep relapsing as well as coping skills against urges.
Monday, that is today was spent in studying and helping my father in household chores, so gladly busy…
Off to another day of positivity
That research you did the last few days sounds great. Awareness is the first step in getting rid of the addiction. Might I suggest you also check out these 3 episodes from the Recovered Man podcast? @anon13059885 has recommended them a few times on the forum. I’ve listened to them and the concepts are very powerful. One of them is about building more awareness on why we want to be free of this addiction. He even has a plan called the ■■■■-Free Plan that Never Fails - too good to pass up!
I sent him an application introducing about myself on the messenger, I was very really very polite… inspite of it all, he blocked me (because it showed I cannot reply further to the chat)
which is a very different thing from here…
Thank you for being positive brother, i read your journal and it felt so assuring.