Posting a bit late…
So today was my day 1 and really feel yuck yuck yuck…
I don’t know whether my mind is playing games on me or something to get me relapse and get the reward chemical. But today i felt that all my pains that i have experienced till now just kept coming flashing in my mind.
I don’t even want yo remember them, it was just my mind getting me to go for the urges i had. But stay strong fella i told to myself eveytime i had one.
So today i went to sleep at 6 in the morning pretty bad, but i am working on that so i am not too worried at this.
I got up at 11 today after my mom shouted at me like 20 times, yeah i know that is a bit absurd, but i am a 19 year old from a country where children tend to stay with their parents in their parent’s house, yeah.
Well my mom and dad don’t want me to stay in bed for long even it’s my holiday time.
Well i will be more elaborate on this later in future.
So moving on, my day went pretty normal until i had another fight with my mom for not coming and sitting with them, talking to them, being active.
Well i want to tell her that i am suffering from this addiction and i don’t want to be with people and that also after i have been relapsing so recently.
After relapsing i feel very tired, very socially akward, not able to use my brain properly, not able to analyze a situation properly and because of all this i am not able to answer anyone near me properly.
I really feel fucked up and that too for a couple of days.
But she is not aware of my situation and i have a big dilemma that whether i should tell her or not. Now she has a habit of sticking to one thing very much until it is done and want’s everything according to her.
Back in my 8th grade my father caught me looking at porn and after that she went all paranoid to what i was doing on net everytime whenever she found me sitting at conputer, laptop, phone. I feel my parents started treating me like a criminal because they just give me strange looks for being on net and my mother started putting locks on the devices so that i could not use them. Man i started feeling like shit, seriously a piece of shit, and this aggrrvated me to look at porn because it was hidden and use the phone and being on screen. My father i don’t know why just stopped talking to me after he caught looking at porn. And till date i am not able to talk with my parents and make friends truely.
And now they are scolding me to not talking to them, and giving them time, sticking to my phone.
I mean shit to everyone treating me like this, i feel why should i go back to them.
Why i mean why seriously.
And my father a shy piece of bullshit, can’t even talk to his wife or child openly, and now complaining why am i not enjoying being with him!!
I mean is this a joke to you man, i mean seriously, and these all things led me to using porn and masturbation as an escape mechanism right from my childhood.
So, here was a little picture of me why i really got into this shit, see my brain is remembering of all the bad stuff like this, but man i feel lucky now that i have a platform now where i can share my feelings.
Well, wow if you have read this far…
So no PMO today, streak still going on.
Phone usage - 11 hours 40 mins.
I am getiing a little better with my phone, because i have started feeling a bit better fue to some tine has passed since i have relapsed.
I hope i will regain my confidence soon.
Well thanks for listening to me.
All the best to you all.
Okay, so here we go again.
So first of all sorry for not being active on the platform for the last three days.
Well if you have ready journal, you must know the relationship i have with my parents.
So that is the thing which bothered me for the past 3 days.
Now i actually sort of stopped talking to them all completely, because i think of the reason that i relapsed nearly 5 days ago.
I wanted to tell them everything that was in my mind. What all bothered me.
So i went to walk with my father yesterday, and he had a point that he might be wrong somewhere in all the stuff i went through. (well i also feel this is somewhat true )
So he and i had a long 3 hour walk and discussion about my situation and i really feel good after i talked to him. I told him about my fogginess, low self confidence etc., etc.
He also felt good that i talked to him about this, and was really supportive ( but with some flaws obviously) he doesn’t know much about this thing and overall i think this all confusion in my life will slowly and slowly clear away ( well, i really need to work hard for it, and so will I)
My mom still doesn’t know about my condition as she really cares for me a lot, and might not be able to take this so smoothly.
So my father advised that i should tell about this to her when i recover myself from this stuff. I think i need to think about this more and in near future this might happen.
So, today i went to sleep at 3 in the morning, well i had a peek at p but resisted myself from m and o ( hey, please don’t get excited by this, well i request you not).
So, attented online lecture, then i watched some TV series, then played badminton with my sister and father, made myself maggi and coffee to eat, and then watched TV and used my phone but also today i played my guitar.
So, a productive day today, and i feel good about it.
Now i will do my workout, complete the assignments and try to sleep a bit early.
Anyway i am setting my counter to zero, because i had a little peek, but a happy day today.
And yeah about the urges, i had a few but ignored them all ( i think more perseverence is required about the urges)
And Screen time today : 10 hours 30 minutes
Thanks for reading everyone and all the best to you all