Itās been a while I thought I should stop being a loser. But every single time for me it takes lot of courage to speak out here and feel ashamed of admitting that I am failing everyday. Even when I know what should I do.
I donāt know whether itās an excuse or something else but I always need someone to talk to or having a support or a partner either for any of my hobbies. If someone wasnāt there I feel like Its impossible to get into my habit for long term.
I have a lot of books 
to read. But donāt have time.
I have Dumbbell 10kgs set but not have enough energy to lift it up tried many times. I have resistance band to workout.
But consistency is an issue either in workout or being clean for longer days without relapse in doing masturbation.
I want to declutter things from my room but whenever I have off day I always have some other work to do. Either grocery shopping or some pending task in parents list. And when I get back home I feel like I should sleep because itās my day off.
Sometimes I watch webseries to have entertainment, or talk to my fiancƩe (most of the time goes there, worthless conversation).
Donāt understand how I can make my life better without hurting anyone.
Honestly I need my āMee Timeā. But itās very hard to ask others to give me some space to have peace of mind.
Hope next week will be better
After a long time I stared work out at home. I know I have to be consistent. But thatās the issue I need something which gives me motivation or some spark every day which arises my aggressive nature which helps me to boost my mood to workout.
Today I was listening 
a song 
This song is sad but touches to my heart from deep bottom.
Later that aggressive nature arises and I started working out.
But timing was wrong at the time of dinner I started working out. 
I appreciate your valuable time to read my dairy 
Last month I am not at all active on this platform
Reason behind that is recently I got Married 
Since then I didnāt relapsed or no peeking, no wrong thoughts 
.
Just spending time with my wife and household chores.
I hope everything will work great 
I will visit again this forum when I will be free & have time. Thank you
oh wow! Thatās great! Congratulations 
wish yāall a blessed married life
Thankyou @debellator I hope everyone have happy life 
everyone can hope for the best but happy life is rare for most of the people. I hope you & your friends willget married soon
NEED HELP
1 month ago, I went to clinic with my wife because of swelling in her feet (not going after a day) she had blood test, doctor said she have low hemoglobin 5.0 &it should be under 12 -15. We went to hospital for blood. Doctor did checkup whole body. & Said that her kidneys both got shrink to 5cms. & Need to do dialysis for temporary purpose for permanent we have to do kidney transplant.
month.
In a week 2 times dialysis going on.
Itās been 4 months of my marriage, I got to know this bad news from doctor in the month of March. I stopped going to job as she got admitted in ICU. Later after Catheter implant they discharged her for dialysis weekly twice.
For permanent dialysis AV fistula surgery done, but because of her small artries and veins. Fistula got failed and she got pain severely at night till morning. We went hospitals for her treatment for pain.
Now there is only one way she can live. Kidney transplant.
Honestly speaking I donāt have job to help her financially.
If anyone can help kindly dm me I will give details. 
Hope she gets better broā¦god will help u 
I have Bigg Bad News 
My Wife,
She Had CKD stage 4 we planned everything to do transplant butā¦
She admitted on 29th in emergency wardā¦&
On 30th June my wife died in hospitalā¦
She had pulmonary cardiac arrest.
I have no wordsā¦ Just her soul rest in peace. 
Iām so sorry for your loss brother. It made me sad too. Sending you prayers and support in this tough phase. Take care. 
I am so so so sorry.
I was so happy for you when I saw that message that you got married but now this.
This is so tragic, beyond what makes a person say be strong. I donāt know seriously how you will be managing it. I seriously donāt brother.
Loosing someone is one of the most saddest incident one can ever live through. Please take care of yourself and donāt you overthink about stuff. Please pray for her soul and talk to her parents. She would want you to be with them as much as she would want you live your life happily.
Take care your yourself again and come back as often as you want here. Here for you.
Iām sorry for your loss. This is so tragic to hear I will pray to god to give you back and help you out from this situation. Losing someone is very difficult i can feel the pain building inside you.
Life is cruel sometimes, Iām always here for you to talk if you want to feel some presence also the community is always there for you. Stay strong brother Donāt ever hesitate to reach out if you feel some help. God bless you
My condolences brother, this is so disheartening , made me cry tbh. Nothing to say , God bless and more power to you and your family.
May her soul rest in peace.
I am truly sorry for your loss brother.
May God bless you and your family with strength!
Just saw your msg. I am out of words. So everything i say rn does not make sense. I just want to say one thing , feel free to dm me when needed. You are not alone.
Thank you very much for support @Thor , @Awaken_one, @Covertxomic , @Sholtro_Tenjerrot @mrxdul , @The_Rising_One
I am not in state to talk to anybody but I will come here whenever needed. 
I can understand what you are going through.Personally I dont even know what advice or suggestion I can say to help you. Thereās only one thing i can say to you right now. Dont go to a self destructive path. We are all there with you. DM me if you need any help or seek support.
Thatās understandable 
. Do message here or in the dms whenever you want . Take care 
, so sorry.
Tbh whenever anyone passed awayā¦ Only the close that person effected otherwise others pretend that nothing happened. recently I understand you canāt cry every single time on somebodyās death. But atleast you shouldnāt laugh and donāt joke on that time or if that person is around who effected mostā¦ It really hurts when he sees that surrounding/environment or conversations.
Honestly speaking I still feels for her and in my family everyone pretends that nothing happened. Just they follow traditions which they have to follow. And the realtives who comes on days that do nonsense talks. Sometimes I feel anger but anger is not good at this time. Whenever I see something related to her that makes me cryā¦ But my family trying to let me move on from this situation.
She(My wife) was totally pure from heart. Never hurt anyone. Never said wrong to anyone. Always help everyone even when the person is stranger.
Nobody can find that person in this generation. My wife was totally different. She loved me unconditionally. Nothing remain untouched (there is nothing we havenāt tried and we never didā¦ Naughty, anger, laughter, kisses, hugs, cuddles, stays far but love didnāt got less etc) even she had kidney problem she never complaint that she feels pain or wants to live moreā¦ She always have dreams to fulfill ahead. But she suffered alot thatās why Our god( Mahadev) taken her away from me as her suffering reached to the end, later no more suffering Mahadev can give to his devotees.
Honestly speaking
After my wife death,
- I donāt like to roam outside
- I donāt like to eat delicious food
- I donāt like to watch tv or any entertainment
- I donāt like shopping
- I donāt like wearing new clothes
- I donāt like to sit in public / with family
- I stopped laughing
- I started crying whenever I something reminds of her
- I canāt get into my room. Etc
But still my sibling force me to wear new cloths and eat outside delicious food. If I sit silently my brother scolding me to become something & donāt be like you arenāt doing anything sitting all day like a fool.
Itās very hard for me to live without her.
I came back to old routine where I use to relapse.
There is only one difference that now I am doing it because of her remembrance as well as unable to sleep without that.
If I started crying in my family my siblings use to say that āwhy you sitting ideal become active and become someone she dreamt of, you have to focus on your career, whatās goneā¦ Thatās gone, you canāt change itā.
But forgetting her is not possible right nowā¦ I feel like why God?? Why didnt you gave me 1 chance? I shouldāve died same day instead of living life without her.