Hi, I’ve been away from this app for a long time.
A lot of stuff happened in my life and I want to share it with you guys who are struggling.
I started the year very addicted to PMO, It consumed me. But to tell this story, I have to come back to four years ago.
I was working as an intern for the city hall in 2020, and at that period of time, I was on $&x chats for years, always trying to find a girl to release the tension.
So I found one girl who connected with me so much, that she gave me her Telegram number. So when I saw her picture, I saw a beautiful blonde girl, who didn’t look like a model of any kind, but she was really beautiful. When I said Hi to her, she sent a voice message saying: “Hi Emerson, I’m ****, nice to meet you honey.”
So I was surprised because, it was a real girl’s voice, sweet, charming and I felt true connection with her.
Everyday since that day, we we’re $&x71ng each other almost everyday, to a point of feeling like we’re a couple.
So she sent me some N**** pics and I was so blinded by PMO and loneliness, that, at first, I didn’t even care to search if these pics were real or not.
I was bullied at school for being fat, and the girls there always treated me like I was repulsive or some kind, even on those years with hormones and all of that stuff.
So PMO was my form of escapism from reality, It all started in 2005.
For you guys to have an idea my favorite category was POV, because the actress was looking at the camera so I was pretending It was me that she was looking and saying things that I really dreamed about hearing, like, “you are handsome” and all that.
So coming back to the last 4 years, I spent a lot of time with this girl, only online on Telegram. She was always saying that we needed to “do It quickly” because her family members would show up and catch her in the act of S**ting with me.
I was feeling a weird sensation because one day she promised to meet me personally, but then she gave an excuse and we never saw each other.
So from there, I started to get skeptical, because I already had a relationship with a woman with a fake profile, but back then, she was manipulative and gaslighting me.
But not this woman, she was sweet, kind, never asked for money, we had some conversations about mental health, and she was always nice to me. This, alongside my loneliness, and PMO addiction, made me believe that she was real.
It’s almost a year since I left social media for good, and It has been quite good, except for those lonely days. But I always have this Telegram Girl by my side.
I always thought that her N*** pics were real, until I searched by images on Google, and found out that the majority of her explicit pics were fake. That was my first red flag. But then, I tried to search her profile pictures on Google, and I found Nothing, no profiles, no similar pics. So I thought, well she’s trying not to expose herself since she told me her family was strict when It comes to cellphones, she had pics with her family, father, mother, etc.
But on June 20th of this year, something happened to me, I had a huge feeling in my gut to download her profile pictures and search for them on Google again, but this time on the Google Lens app. I put every pic that she had in her profile pics, and I almost gave up, I spent like 2 hours searching every picture of her, with 0 results. Then I put one picture of her, and I found out a Facebook profile of a make-up artist for weddings here in Brazil. With a total different name.
Then I googled the girl’s true name and I happened to find her Instagram account. And then I felt like I received a huge punch in my stomach, or like a bomb was dropped in my body. I wasn’t that shocked but I felt numb and disappointed.
I found that the real woman in the picture is a Brazilian make-up artist in Sao Paulo who has 6000 followers. She is currently married with a really handsome, tall, black guy, she had a baby with him, and she was living with him in Paris.
I couldn’t sleep that night, I sent a message to the girl on Telegram saying: “Who are you? Be honest with me”
I sent her prints of the real profile, with the real woman sitting next to her husband.
Next day she sent me a voice message explaining that she used to be a model, and the guy was just an another model who took professional pics with her for a brand.
Of course I wasn’t convinced, and she said that she would prove to me that she was not lying to me because she wasn’t crazy.
I felt so numb and hurt that I just said, “These 4 years of moments and memories were just a lie, you’re not crazy, I realized I just became a zombie, an addict. I suffered before with another girl in the past and I didn’t learn. I can’t continue with this anymore.”
I didn’t swear at her, didn’t call her awful names, I just wanted to quit. So she accepted the ending, we both said goodbye and be happy.
I remember that day, June 21st, after that conversation, I uninstalled Telegram, then I set to delete it in a month. Erased her phone number. I didn’t show any sadness to my family, so later that day I went for walk.
And I kept doing this for 5 days straight, even on Sunday afternoon. Until on June 26th, I received a phone call saying that I was approved for a job as an Administrative Assistant at PepsiCo.
I feel like that day was a turning point in my life, and I received a blessing and grace from God, even knowing that I didn’t deserve it.
The work is hard, it’s almost 8 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week depending on demand. But I felt like I need this, I spent 2 years in total inertia, sedentary, alone, isolated, living a lie and an illusion, fat, hairy, unattractive, with social phobia, specially from women, depression, anxiety. All because of my decisions accepting PMO in my life.
As of this text, I’m 80 Days sober. But it’s still a challenge, I’ve been doing my best to avoid anything related to triggers. I don’t look at women’s body parts anymore, I only look at their faces I look mostly at the ground, or looking the other way to avoid any contact with women’s bodies, I’m not fooling around on the internet, I’m completely focused on my job and to help myself to get better.
I started to listen to preachings from guys like Paul Washer, some Brazilian preachers like him, always learning about this issue and how it is connected to mental health problems.
I’m having difficulty to express myself, and I’m having even more difficulty to talk to women or make friendships with them, I’m being nice and professional on my job, and It’s working, but It’s a slow process.
This week I’m going to start therapy sessions in the morning before work.
We, as addicts, we feel guilty, dirty, sometimes, completely obsessed for PMO so we do anything. But PMO doesn’t define who we are.
Another thing that I noticed this year, Everybody talks about how women feel bad for seeing attractive women’s bodies in Hollywood, gaming, and in the ■■■■ Industry.
I remember the last time I visited those two famous sites, and I typed on the search bar “fat guy” and “chubby guy”. On each site I found less than 20 videos of fat guys as actors in this industry. And we’re talking about an industry with trillions of videos online.
This industry includes all types of women’s bodies but is excluding people like me, who is fat. It’s not just your organ, is your entire body that is excluded from this.
And I noticed that this is affecting normal women around the world, they want that perfect type of body, that type of organ, you guys want an example? Tinder, It’s not only money.
True relationships are ending because of this drug, families are being destroyed. And men’s self esteem are getting lower and lower everyday.
If you’re fat, hairy, white, asian or have an normal body and an normal organ, and you’re not black, at least in my country, you are excluded from this cursed industry. And women are using this plague as standard to find a guy attractive these days.
But men in this app, believe me, there’s nothing wrong with your bodies, pursuit better health, mental and physical. Study, work hard, be better for yourself and others.
I’m an addict now, but I’ll keep fighting, but this time, is not by sheer motivation or willpower.
I’m weak, and so are you, all of us are weak. But if you have faith in Jesus Christ, and ask him to give his mercy, his forgiveness, strength and wisdom, you can defeat this monster called PMO.
