[32 M] The Dao of basanaruga

Journal
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21

Sep 9th 2023

Almost 60 days.

During the last time I posted here I started understanding some of my emotional issues that led me to overabuse masturbating to ■■■■. I don’t think I can explain it. But I understand it for myself.

Extremely oversimplified: I believed I am small, weak and fragile. Very, very, very, very much.

Although I don’t like what personal growth gurus and coaches say, they are right. If you believe you are weak and can’t do shit, you’ll be weak and won’t do shit. However I find their approach extremely wrong. Motivating someone by gently inducing sense of guilt/shame/fear won’t change anything, even actually cause the opposite.

Change does not start with hard work. It starts with deep understanding of the self. And that’s something no one can help you with. And there is no universal formula that can help absolutely everyone. This I used to believe. And Now I know I’ve believed in bullshit.

I’m 32 years of age, and I just realised some simple things. Yes, at the age of 32.

Trying to find someone to tell you who you should be is toxic. You are yourself. Not neccessarily a copy of your parents even.

I won’t grasp all the truths in the world and in this universe during my lifetime. Striving for normality is OK. Trying to impress everyone is false, misunderstood intention.

I have been lieing to myself. I have been told lies. Not neccessarily intentionally. That’s what my ancestors gathered as knowledge and experience. And this is not wrong and hurtful. But it’s my responsibility to filter the truth from the misunderstandings.

Oh boy, only if I knew earlier what I have been thinking.

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Sep 9th 2023 addendum

I don’t know how this will sound, but I will express it in this manner.

My girlfriend has very nice ■■■ and thighs. They are not aestetically the best looking ■■■ and thighs. There are probably billions of women with better looking ■■■ and thighs. But her ■■■ and thighs are the most beautiful that I have ever seen in my life. They are just amazing. I don’t love her because of her ■■■ and thighs. But, oh jeez, how wonderful are they. I have seen lots of ■■■ and thighs - in the form of pics and vids. And on the streets while going for a walk. But guess whose ■■■ and thighs are the most lovely - my girlfriend’s.

Her body has nothing to do with a ■■■■ star’s. She has gone through medical conditions that led to a miniscule change of her body appearance. And she is still the sexiest woman in the world. For me. And I have seen a lot of women in the form of JPG and MP4. Better looking, with leaner, cleaner and more welcoming appearance. And my girlfriend is more beautiful than all of them. For me. I want to do things to her that I can’t do to no .JPG and .MP4.

Yes, I am horny as a rabbit. Almost all the time.

She is real. Not that ■■■■ stars are not, but my connection with them is in the form of .JPG and .MP4. And this is not how I can be intimate physically and most important of all - spiritually.

The key word here, at least for me, is spiritually. I can’t imagine being intimate with a woman, with whom I haven’t shared at least a small part of my soul.

This is my personal experience. This is my personal truth that is prone to modification. My personal truth is not neccessarily your personal truth. Something works for me, but not for you. Something works for you, but not for me. Something works for both of us. Something works for none of us. Something works sometimes to some of us and etc.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Lao Tzu of nofap :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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23

Nope. This title goes to MADTAKER

17.09.2023

It’s been 67 days. I haven’t had morning wood in about 2-3 weeks. Today I had one. I feel like the flatline is coming to an end. We shall see.

The more I abstain from PMO, the more I understand how it came up to this moment. And I thought I needed serious therapy. Although the puzzle is not yet solved, my knowledge, experience and confidence have skyrocketed. My libido as well.

There is still a lot of path to travel. 67 days(68 in less than 10 hours) aren’t enough. I know that this is the streak to end it all. Urges come and I slay them.

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05.10.2023

I relapsed several days ago and I set my counter as of 00:00 today. On 00:00 tomorrow I will have succeeded on day 1.

ALso, from this moment on I will not be as active as I used to be.

I reflected a lot for the last several days and realised a lot of big things tha I can’t explain. The closest of my epiphany was said by Lao Tsu in Tao te ching. It’s something like this(I can’t quote it literally):

The smart man adds a new thing every day.
The wise man removes one thing every day.

I started removing things.

I also had 2 “prophetic” dreams recently:

In the first dream I dreamt that I find Adolf Hitler in one of my wardrobes at home and I was happy that I finally found him,

In the second dream I dreamt I was in bed with an old lady and she told me she was disappointed with me because she expected me to be more what she likes. I was disgusted by what she said ended my relations with her.

I knew both the dreams meant something positive for me. Adolf Hitler represented my inner desire to grasp every single detail in my life and control it visciously so as never to fail, while the old lady represented my old Anima or outdated outlook.

As a kid I made many mistakes, but they were not solely my responsibility. Now, as an adult, I have access to my inner child BUT I also have the ability to guide it better.

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25

08.10.2023

Today I’m writing from my phone. Everything is OK. I completed 3 days and day 4 is currently on the way.

The last time going back on tracks took me several months. Now only several days.

Not fapping is not the true answer. Stopping your toxic thoughts and behavioural patterns is. And developing healthier ones.

That’s how I came back on tracks so fast.

Nobody is responsible for becoming a piece of shit due to growing up in toxic environment. When you see shit, shit becomes normality in your mind.

Our brains don’t have parts dedicated to differentiating wrong from right. It’s up to us.

I feel like I have been born again. But this time without parents to teach me things.

I don’t feel lonely. Just the feeling is strange. It’s like I have been living in a mud pile and I just found out that I’m not a pig.

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26

13.10.2023

The more I reject things that have been forced upon me, the more confident I feel.

But also the more I accept the things that have always been part of myself, the more confident I feel as well.

I have been taught some stuff.

Like desire towards women is bad. Guess what it led me to? Anxiety and subconscious repression of my sexual drive.
Or that being curious and furious is bad. Guess what it led me to? Anxiety and subconscious repression of my sexual drive.
Or that males should be “tough”, “strong”, oppressive towards females and demonstrate domination. Guess what it led me to? Can you guess?
And a lot and a lot more.
That’s probably why I developped a BDSM fetish. Well, now it isn’t that strong, after realising all this shit.
That’s probably why I developped this addiction or whatever it is called.
Repressing my desires led them to expressing themselves in other ways - ■■■■ and abusing my weewee.

I have always been astonished by female bodies. Both naked and dressed. And now I realise this have never been a bad thing. Yes, staring at female boobs makes the proprieters of that boobs uncomfortable. And their boyfriends furious. That’s why, as an adult I have to guide my impulses in a bit more socially acceptable manner.

But being attracted to boobs and vaginas had never been a wrong thing. Suggesting a sense of guilt about sexuality is as wrong as terrorism and war crimes. Guiding all these impulses wisely is not, however. But education is needed for that.

When I was a child, I have had everything I needed to strive in this world. And I still have it. I only need to dig it from the shit pile of repression.

I could have done many things in my life differently, only if I didn’t have wrong beliefs imposed on me.

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25.11.2023

After a lot of introspection after my last series of relapses, I figured out how I formed the most part of my behaviour and outlook. However, I have no idea what to do now. Realizing my problems is only step 1. Step 2 is changing and gradually replacing my old behaviour with a new one. And I have come to the age where change is not as easy as it used to be.

What I know is that I’m not going to PMO again.

I’m currently writing this from my laptop. I rarely open the phone app. I keep it only for counting days.

I have to figure out some things for me. And only I can figure them out, not somebody else. That’s why I won’t be very active here for the next maybe several months.

What I’m sure about, is that many of the things that I found hard and depressing, were hard and depressing because I thought they were like this. I have always been a naive, impressionable and emotionally labile person. I have had many bad teachers who did more destruction than construction for me. THe entire society that I live in is psychologically ill. And growing up in a psychologically ill society makes young people psychologically ill.

And the fucked up thing is that ill people don’t realise their illness and percieves it as an every day thing.

Although I’m 32, I feel like I’m just starting to grow up. And growing up means losing a lot of connections with harmful people and harmful behaviours.

My next reply here will be when I reach at least 17 days

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28

I know I said I’ll write here, when I reach 17 days and I didn’t commit to my promise. I decided to reset my counter today. I did not relapse. I deleted the app from my phone and downloaded another one and used it to count the days. But I decided to return to RC.

I know I can set the counter of RC to my current streak, but I prefer to start counting from the beginning. That way I won’t bother myself with counting days and checking the app 20 times a day.

NOW when I reach 17 days, I will update this diary.

I want to desrve to bear the avatar of Kaldor Draigo - my favourite 40k character.

29

I know 17 days haven’t passed. But I came across a personal epiphany. My ■■■■ and masturbation abuse is mainly powered by my outlook about life. I’m a reactive person - that’s how my brain is made. However it doesn’t mean that this is something bad or that I can’t change it.

My whole life I have been taught that I’m small, weak and worthless and that I need outside guidance to do everything. This has become a conviction that rooted itself very deeply inside my psyche and thus governed my personal and professional relationships. Fapping was until now my outside source for self-respect(in other words approval from women).

What I have to do is to start believing in myself - that many things are possible with enough effort and consistency.

It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok not to succeed from the first attempt. It’s ok not to be awesome at 100% of the time. It’s ok not to conform to the expectations of other people. It’s ok not to be liked by everyone.

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What’s with that number?

31

Whenever I try a long streak, I usually fail at exactly day 17.

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32

Is 17 your unlucky number? :skull:

33

You should not think like that you usually fail at 17 days. What is 17? It is nothing. There is no number 17 in this universe, forget this number. Its your brain finding an excuse thats all. Remove that trigger which is number 17 inside in your head. I also thought that i used to fail inside 2 weeks. Once I removed that thought, I went straight 40 days. Now I’m in my 39th waiting to have my longest streak in my life in less than 2 days.

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Kinda. Yes. At around day 17 huge urges and emotional issues come. When I rub one out, they disappear and the whole process repeats. Now I feel it won’t be like that.

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Thanks. I will try this. I hope it will work.

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40K-20170905050625
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27.01.2024

2024 didn’t start okay. I’m going through an emotional rollercoaster and PMOing was my way of letting off steam. But not anymore.

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Gohan’s theme in the background

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10th Feb 2024

I relapsed again. But I understood what I did wrong. Starting again. I’m not letting my old regrets and urges overpower me again. As I have said earlier, ■■■■ is not my true enemy. It’s only a servant of it. And I started understanding my true enemy.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m ready for a new streak, longer than any streak I have ever had. Even my longest streak of 378 days was powered by fear and regrets and that’s why I failed. Now I know how to deal with them.

39

I’m using the date format that I’m used to - DD/MM/YY

10.02.2024

It’s the second entry for today.

I was taught to compete. I was taught to conform to other people. I was taught to never express opinion, shut up and just listen. I was taught that I’m weak, incapable of anything and that I’m dependent on other people’s opinion about me… Since God knows when. Even I don’t know when I formed these beliefs and inner rules and regulations.

This is my life. This is my environment. This is my country. This is my bullshit!!! And I hate it so much. Everything feels so unnatural. I used to think that I know what is right. But not anymore. Now I have no idea what is right. Maybe what I used to hate is actually normal. Maybe what I used to hate was my natural desires to research and discover as an inner result.
I’m a very expressed introvert. I never had the desire to be around people. Silence and darkness empower me more than light and places with things going on. I am more of a desk rat than, let’s say, soldier or er doctor.

However, my culture tells that you can succeed only if you are expressive, energetic and active. Which I’m not. At least not 100%. My environment is toxic. I now understand what happens inside me and why I’m like this.

Rules being forced upon me - rules that I’m not absolutely compatible with. Toxic rules, packed as formulae for success. Well, screw you!!

Maybe one day I will find “my waters”.

At least I feel like I won’t fap for a long time, because I finally found out the true battery of my urges. And I just removed it.

I’m a complex personality and I can not be summarised in a few sentences. As all of you are. I don’t even think that I fully understand myself. But I’m starting to.

I’m just pissed at everything at the moment.

P.S. When I was 12 yo, I started hearing music without it being played by a sound source. SInce then, every time when I was very anxious, it started playing in my head. Now I don’t hear it. That’s why mental health is important.

P.S.S. I also had a coffee overdose and that’s probably what fueled my thinking process :crazy_face: :laughing: :laughing:

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11.02.2024

I relapsed again and I’m giving myself several days off this forum and app.