[29 Male] Kwadwo's Diary

I have been sober for 243 days by fueling my mindset with the theory that if i consume porn then more porn will be made. If more porn is made more shocking and violent porn has to be made for the hardcore porn user who can’t get off on the basic material. If more violent and shocking porn is consumed then women and men get manipulated, taken advantage of, abducted as children, legally raped & abused.

Since this is the case i refuse to support anything like that. The problem I have been struggling with, however, is the withdrawal symptoms have been feeling permanent. Low self esteem, suicide idealization, low interest, low motivation. I don’t want to be alive because of the mind or the brain that i now carry in my skull after 13 years of fantasizing hurting and humiliating women want to sleep with, but wouldn’t want tosleep with me.

Everyday I’m tormented with memories of past follies, unreal arguments, acts of violence, and judgment appearances. I spent 200 days going to sex addicts anonymous and really making an attempt to socialize and what not, but the entire time i still had to carry this darkness and i was so stressed out. I think it all comes down to my breast and my small dick which are permanent.

People want to preach you have to love yourself and all that, but most of them haven’t lived a day as an abomination. I’m 6’2, African born American and I appear skinny and athletic so this society says my dick should be big and i shouldn’t have breast. I have had my breast grabbed multiple times in my adolescence which is sexual assault but since im a man i have to put up with it. I have to watch tv in a culture that tells you to be ashamed of your small dick.

To add to the misery, I’m African American and had a father who wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t have a single clue how to be an African in America my only template ditched me to make a new family. I have been trying to find an identity through white people, urban black people, chef’s, comedians, social media personalities, rappers and artists. Thanks to my mind i get to watch the humiliation I’ve experienced over and over and over again. My mother infuriates me with her expectations because i don’t have a manual for this shit, of course i was going to be a loser.

I share my experience today not for pity, but to show anyone who wanted to stop pmo that your life can push you into being okay with harming yourself. Despite my mind wanting my life to end I don’t make it anyone elses problem and put on a happy face and DON’T MASTERBATE.

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