[29 M] Wolfie's Story

Hi all. Here’s a short intro. So I grew up on a remote farm area. Always struggled with vivid imaginations and longings. Fast forward a couple of years and our family moved to town, where I discovered P on a friend’s computer. I was 13 then, and also discovered MO around that time. MO became my refuge for dealing and coping with life. My parents separated when I was 14 and all the stress and unhappiness was almost unbearable for me… I would always MO at night when all was quiet and I could relax and face my emotions. Fast forward 6 more years, we relocated again to another country, closer to my mom’s family. My dad chose to stay on the farm and basically let go of us, he stopped paying support and things got really tough financially. I worked summer holidays just to be able to buy decent shoes lol. I struggled a lot during this time with my faith in God, like how can He be loving and promise to take care of me but my heart is falling apart from all the hurt? During this time I fortunately had no access to P only MO. Fast forward 3 more years to varsity, where I discovered P again. Things got real. I started failing badly and barely managed to hold on to my relationships with family and friends. Fast forward 9 more years… I had a very stressful job for 3 years which fortunately I could resign from, got another one and things went south there. And then I found another job… An amazing one.

I also started dating a girl and I was really honest about my struggle from the start, told her everything. We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating for a year… After which we decided I need some space to deal with PMO before we could go further. That was 2 months ago.

Man… I cannot believe how PMO warps the mind and makes a human being believe that he/she is needy whilst actually self-worshipinghim or herself. It’s unspeakably evil and really like a cancer with tentacles which try to consume everything of a person.

I’m on day 25 now. No P, I lapsed with MO on day 15. It’s been a real bear of a fight the last 2 years to get to 25 days. Jesus has been so so faithful, He has shown me that He loves so much and will provide in my every need, but He will also not do for me what I must do for myself. It’s been baby steps to get to this day. I’m doing the cold showers, run/exercise really hard almost daily. Most important of all, I try to hold on to the truth about me and my life and what God says about me, instead of letting my emotions dictate to me what’s up.

Many thanks to all the guys and girls on this group, especially to Agent Ghost. Much love and prayers for you all.

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Hi all. Today is day 26. I realized last night that Agent Ghost is actually in the NoFap website and not the app lol. Anyhow, him and a couple of others really have some solid stuff to ponder in our struggle against PMO.

I really struggled to do the cold shower this morning. I had to really stop felling sorry for myself, and I realized the last couple of days I actually do that waaayyyyy more than I thought. And it comes though in small things… Perhaps my boss doesn’t like what I do so immediately when I realize it I feel rejected and not good enough… Think maybe I hold on too much to my childhood impressions of who I am and my worth than what is right. I thought a bit last night about how selfish I became the last 10 years or so, and it mainly came through in my prayers. I would be like: God I am so sorry, please forgive ME, please help give ME grace, please do this and that for ME. I would start to pray for others and before I know I’m back to me again. Sheesh… I brought myself some custom dog tags recently, and the inscription on it reminds me that my life is not my own to live for and as I see fit, but God’s. The PMO battle is for God, not for me to have a better life. So I’ve realized that God has actually already done all that which I asked for. But I just don’t see it and I probably don’t want to believe it either. The other thing I thought of last night was that quote of “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step”. I was thinking how that first step is different for all of us. Like for me this morning it was to throw off the nice warm blanket and get up in the cold. For someone else it might be to call their mom and say thanks for everything you’ve helped me} to become. Someone else might start by focusing on their thoughts and try to just think and ponder one thing they’re thankful for today.

IMHO PMO really makes people good at thinking just about themselves. One sure way of combating that is to be grateful and serve others without any reward or recognition. Jesus talks about the grain of wheat which must fall into the ground and die to bear much fruit. I for one know that I still need to die a lot more to myself and towhat I think is best for me so I can bear more fruit, ie being gracious, kind, loving, patient, helpful, joyful…

One last thing: I was thinking about how when the urges come (yesterday morning was really bad), how time seems to speed up. A lot. I’ve found it helpful to say to myself:“Hey, chill… Breathe… Slow down.” slowing time down and slowly processing my emotions and thoughts and the urges help me to focus on what’s real and true… And helps me to see the urges for what they really are.

Much love and prayers to you all. Stay strong, one step at a time.

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Day 28. I skipped an entry yesterday because I was really tired and things got hectic at work… After working for a year on probation towards a promised raise en permanent employment my contract was just extended for another year with a marginal raise. On any other time I would have defaulted to PMO, but not yesterday and not today. I watched some risky stuff on YT for about 10 mins, but I’m off now. Gonna get out of the house and take a walk.

I’m soooo tired of seemingly not getting my worth and really struggling financially. Is it because I’m a bad Christian? What about God? Does He even care? I know He cares, unconditionally. Why is life so hard then? Why does it feel like I’m almost always not measuring up? Maybe it’s because God wants me to know my worth first, then go out and get it. Maybe He wants to show me that PMO, lies and being used by other people shouldn’t be because He made me much more than that. Maybe He wants me to learn to set a goal, such as doing better financially, then paying the price for it, day in and day out. By studying, learning and working harder and smarter. Hmmm… I’ve got some thinking to do.

Peace all.

Hi all. Friday was really tough for me, with the news I got from my boss. This is the third job where I’m underpaid… It feels like I’ve struggled my whole life long. I had to work during full-time varsity studies to pay my bills, and it was really hard for me. And when I started working I never really got going financially. My two younger brothers are doing much better than me…and I’m supposed to set and example but I’m just not getting there. I got stuck on thoughts like these on Saturday, and relapsed later that evening. I’m not gonna make excuses. I tried resisting, tried slowing time down, I told myself that if I relapse then the next day I’ll wish I hadn’t. And I still chose to PMO and get that temporary and momentary relief at the cost of so much life value.

I’ve learnt a while back how dangerous it is for me to allow myself to sink in that emotional hole… Where I relive past hurts and shame and internalize the present distress. Instead, I should turn towards it, not away, and tell Jesus about it. But tell as in giving it to Him and surrendering it for the greater good. I’m gonna be scarred anyhow in this life, why not allow the scars to make me into someone God can use, why allow the scars to change me for good instead of making me bitter?

It’s still a relapse, and I’m not proud of it. Seeing how my thoughts had to reigned in yesterday not to lust was terrible for me. But I’m going to also surrender this relapse to Jesus and use it as a stepping stone. I still hate the fact that I lost 29 days of really hard work… Seeing the counter at 1 day is sort of de-motivational. But I can also choose to see it as a challenge, God gave me grace to reach 29 days, and I know He has and will continue to give me grace to reach much much more than that.

Much love.