[24M] A Gay man diary [PT-BR][EN]

[farroso]

Oi, tenho 24 anos, sou gay, sou novo na comunidade e viciado em p*.
Meu vício começou assim que entrei na adolescência. Durante toda a minha vida sempre me remprimi sexualmente por ser gay e ter vergonha disso, então a única forma de me aliviar ou ao menos provar o que seria uma vida sexual foi através do p*. Ao longo do tempo fui desenvolvendo dificuldades de me relacionar socialmente, tanto emocionalmente quanto fisicamente, com outros caras. Acho que acabou virando uma bola de neve, uma coisa agravando a outra. Agora me assumi como homem gay, mas ainda tenho muita dificuldade em me relacionar, crises de ansiedade e uma verdadeira fobia. Espero que me livrando desse vício minha vida sexual comece e se desenvolva.
Estou a 8 dias sem me m* com p*, as vezes não resisto e vejo páginas de garotos de programa ou grindr, mas tenho diminuido isso também.
Tem sido difícil, mas eu vou conseguir ! Já tentei parar uma vez, mas acabei trocando o p* por s*xchat, o que acabou sendo a mesma coisa.
Estou pensando em postar minhas experiências aqui e como tem sido pra mim.

Hi, I’m 24 years old, gay, and addicted to p*. My addiction started as soon as I was in my teens. All my life I’ve been sexually repressed for being gay and ashamed of it, so the only way to relieve myself or at least prove what a sex life would be was through p*. Over time, I developed difficulties socially, both emotionally and physically, with other guys. I think it just snowballed, one thing aggravating the other. Now I come out as a gay man, but I still have a lot of difficulty in relating, anxiety attacks and a real phobia. I hope that by getting rid of this addiction my sex life will begin and develop. I’ve been 8 days without m* with p*, sometimes I can’t resist and I see pages of call boys or grindr, but I’ve reduced that too. It’s been hard, but I’ll make it! I already tried to quit once, but I ended up switching from p* to s**chat, which ended up being the same thing. I’m thinking of posting my experiences here and what it’s been like for me.

[yashnofap01]

Welcome to Rewire Community !!
More Power to you.

[Binocular]

I don’t know how P** made your life miserable but all I know is this:

An Eye for an eye!!!

Welcome to Rewire Companion Forum

[The_integrous_one]

@Binocular

An Eye for an eye

Better yet: A dick for a dick
No offense

[kennethgr8]

Hey @farroso, welcome to the forum. Thanks for so bravely and openly sharing your experience as a gay man and the negative impact porn has had in your life.
Despite a couple dismissively insensitive comments you’ve received so far, I just want to validate that it does make sense how porn had become your only viable option in your community and made your life miserable–it makes everyone’s life miserable if they’re in touch with humanity, gay or straight.
Continue to share what makes sense and may your journey with nofap be a positive, strong, and rewarding one.

[farroso]

thanks ! it’s great to receive this support

[farroso]

Algumas dicas e um resumo dos meus últimos dias.
Estudar:
Estudar sobre vício e mais especificamente o vício em p* tem e entender como o cérebro funciona e como ele pode se recuperar tem me ajudado bastanter.
Indico o livro Your Brain on P* do Gary Wlson e os videos de mesmo nome no Youtube do canal FreeMedEducation (os vídeos são animações, porém podem conter gatilhos)

Gatilhos:
Identificar seus gatilhos e evitá-los ajuda muito para evitar recaidas. Pra mim era um ritual, eu sempre começava do mesmo jeito, eu sentava no chão do banheiro com meu celular na mão e começava. Chegou a um ponto que eu nem percebia o que estava fazendo, quando me dava conta já estava com o celular na mão. Isso estava tão fixado na minha mente que eu continuei com esse hábito mesmo depois de parar com p*. Twitter e redes de relacionamento (Tinder/Grindr) também são gatilhos muito perigosos, eu dizia pra mim mesmo que estava entrando pois queria um relacionamento e isso era saudável, mas acabava trocando fotos e depois ia pro p*.

Ultimos Dias:
Estou no que chamam de flatline, onde não tenho nenhum desejo sexual. Mas uma coisa que achei muito curiosa é que tenho vontade. No começo achei que era desejo e que estava me recuperando pra algo saudável, mas então percebi que não era desejo. É simplesmente uma vontade, uma necessidade, de qualquer coisa sexual (inclusive pessoas). Eu tenho fantasiado muito, porém ainda não é algo saudavel, pois é só a vontade em si (não há desejo sexual).

Some tips and a summary of my last days.

Studying:
Studying addiction and more specifically addiction to p* and understanding how the brain works and how it can recover has helped me a lot. I recommend the book Your Brain on P* by Gary Wilson and the videos of the same name on Youtube from the FreeMedEducation channel (the videos are animations, but they may contain triggers)

Triggers:
Identifying your triggers and avoiding them goes a long way toward preventing relapses. For me it was a ritual, I always started the same way, I would sit on the bathroom floor with my cell phone in my hand and start. It got to the point where I didn’t even realize what I was doing, when I realized I already had my cell phone in my hand. It was so fixed in my mind that I continued this habit even after I stopped p*. Twitter and social networks (Tinder/Grindr) are also very dangerous triggers, I would tell myself that I was entering because I wanted a relationship and that was healthy, but I ended up exchanging photos and then going to p*.

Last days:
I’m on what they call a flatline, where I don’t have any sexual drive. But one thing I found very curious is that I crave. At first I thought it was lust and that I was recovering to something healthy, but then I realized it wasn’t lust. It is simply a want, a need, for anything sexual (including people). I’ve been fantasizing a lot, but it’s still not something healthy, because it’s just the will itself (there is no sexual desire).

[kennethgr8]

@farroso

It is simply a want, a need, for anything sexual (including people)

Looks like you’re on the right track in more than one way buddy.

[ncubeanelem]

Hi, welcome @farroso. I’m in a similar situation as someone who identifies as gay. I understand the need you had to use PMO to escape from the pressures of our communities that often deem same-sex relationships as unacceptable. But PMO has done more harm than good by destroying our ability to enjoy actual relationships with real people. At one time in my life, I was also addicted to Grindr, but I’ve managed not to set foot on that app the whole of 2022. It was easy for me to quit that app because I knew it was as it always is: full of empty, predictable and shallow people, which is a big turn-off. Fantasies seem innocent, but that is how many of us got into p* in the first place, so I’ve learned it’s best to nip them in the bud as soon as they come to mind. Maybe in some weird way p* played a positive role in our sexual awakening and self-acceptance considering that we may not have seen our own desires represented in people around us. But of course it’s a drug that’s doing more harm than good to us now. It’s nice to know one is not alone in the struggle, especially as a gay person, where the experience might be slightly different. I wish you the best this NNN and onwards.