Week 10 - I’ve decided to make journal entries weekly in the forum. This year I started a handwritten journal, and been successful by writing entries almost daily. I’ve also noticed it has helped me a lot with my depression, anxiety and also with my addiction to porn. But this posts will help me to put this out to the community and now that someone could read it (hopefully someone would).
That said, this last week was a hard one for me. When I decided to give up on my addiction, I decided to give up only on porn. And I’ve been successful since the start of the year. But I didn’t know if would also give up on masturbation itself too. The past month I came up to the NoFap forums, the challenges and the modes, and thought I could go through the Hard Mode. While I think I don’t have problems with masturbation as much as porn, I wanted to be strong enough to battle my sexual thoughts and tension so when my depression and addiction hits harder I would be able to go through it without it. But I haven’t really committed. For me, I prefer to write it down, and then I know its a fact I have to follow. I try to write everything down so its written down. But I had not committed yet to not only not watching porn but also not masturbating, but I have the intend to do it.
Still this week I ended up masturbating 3 times this week, and also watch some soft-core porn. I feel it was more than a binge effect, and I feel kinda guilty and anxious because its the first time it happens this year.
I decided to not restart my counter because that is from my porn habits, and I haven’t relapse. But I really need to make my written commitment on not masturbating (And have sexual intercourse, but I don’t think that would happen AT ALL lol).
But although I feel guilty, I don’t want to punish myself. This is just a trip, I haven’t fall. And I know I am strong enough to put myself back on track. Am I cheating in some way? I hope not…
Week 12 - This week was a little messy one as my past entry. I decided to masturbate 2 times. On the good side, it was on the weekend so, that is a good step, since week days I’m busy at work. Since vacations are coming this week I need to work harder. Also it was less times than in my last entry, so that’s also good. I decided to look at some softcore porn in Pinterest, so I also need to work on that. Because I don’t want to ban the few websites I visit, but I think that happen mainly because of boredom, which I have learn, it’s a not an ally. So I need to keep myself busy in my free time. I’ve also noticed that at nights have become pretty difficult, but I haven’t been committed enough (I guess). So let’s go for a clean and productive week.