[23 M] Cleanser's Diary

I am cleanser. I am starting this diary so that if I relapse, I can feel a shame that I betrayed all people who looked at this diary. Starting from day 20.

My brain is clear now at 20 days of streak. I need to start exercising as soon as possible. I’m waiting for one of my friends to come to the hostels from home. We will start going to the gym together. Lets see what happens.


Current streak 23 days.

Today I have a lot of work to do. I feel tired already thinking about those. I have to study for the job exams, go teach a student, have an appointment with the doctor, go admit myself into a gym and then edit a conference paper whose deadline is tomorrow.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete all of them. But I’ll try InshaAllah, try my best. Let’s see, new day, new challenge.

Edit: I did all of these tasks except gym admission. I feel awful because of that. As there was so much traffic, I couldnt reach the doctor at the right time. Thay cost me 2.5hrs as I missed my serial number. Couldn’t get to the gym because of frustration. InshaAllah tomorrow will be the day.


CS: 26 days.

Today I woke up late. my sleep was disturbed two or three times because of sounds of roads and traffic outside my room as yesterday was the last weekday. feeling a bit frustrated.

I think Im slowly entering the flatline phase. Suddenly everything started to feel demotivating. My mind becoming lazy. I couldnt do meditation and book reading even if I was home yesterday. Lets see what happens today. Hope I can pass the flatline successfully inshaAllah.


Current streak 28 days.

The major thing about nofap and nopmo is that after some time, if you’re lucky, the frequency of urges reduces drastically. Meditation taught me one thing - labelling all thoughts helpful and unhelpful.

When urge comes, I say in my mind that it is unhelpful and I just dont know how it disappears. Thia technique can be applied for any negative thoughts.

Pray for me people, All of us can do it inshaAllah!

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Current streak 30 days.

This is the first time in my life having a streak of full 30 days. And the thing is I’m taking responsibilities for my actions, my own welfare and developments. I had severe acne for the last 2/3 months. Because of nopmo, I started going to the doctor for this which I didn’t care about because of frustration of doing pmo. I started actively watching contents that could recover my lost motivation to become a healthy and mature man. I got admitted into a gym yesterday.

These 30 days brought huge levels of clarity, thoughtfulness, active decisions, higher rate of taking responsibilities, self development, focus, physical strength and so many things. I pray and hope that all of us will soon be the people to leave pmo and lead a happy, healthy life.

I am still improving and will continue to do so inshaAllah, pray for me brothers.

Current streak: 38 days.

I think I’ve entered the true flatline. For the past three days, I didn’t study a single letter, didn’t workout, felt very low, no libido, no motivation to do anything, roaming aimlessly on roads, eating junk etc., still no improvement of mind. Yesterday night I was having suicidal thoughts. Man I know that these things are happeneing because of the brain rewiring, but these are awful. Your life becomes so mich dull, you don’t fking find any interest in doing anything.

Haaah, when will this pass. I guess there is nothing to do except keeping patience and not giving in to dangerous thoughts. I have a job exam and interview 3 weeks later and here I am not ready omand cant concentrate on studies. I don’t kniw what’ll happen. Please pray for me guys.

After lots of ups and downs im at Day 4 guys.

Between my previous streak of 40 days, I have fapped 7 times. Sigh. But guess what, I was at 15 days streak and none of my atreaks are less than 5 days at that interval.

Ive got a job exam at this saturday. So I’m busy at completing lessons and taking preps for that exam. Don’t giving myself time to use facebook/yt or any kind of social media.

The thing is that, their business runs on you. The more time you spend on them, the more the get revenue. For that, they’ll do anything. You’re using fb/insta and suddenly see someone wearing ■■■■ dresses. You open incognito and after 15/20 minutes, youre lying and regretting all of your life’s decisions(you know what I meant, yes, you fapped). These is the strategy, even if you say that you won’t take those reels again, you’re bound to come by some because its the fucking algorithm of these media.

Beware, we all say, avoid triggers. But guess what, theyre inside the most subtle of the things.

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Day 6 people. CS 7 days.

Im avoiding any kind of trigger for the last 7 days and guess what, I didn’t have any thought of prn for even a single time in this duration. I dont know if I’ll be able to continuosly avoid triggers cuz there are a lot of girls wearing hot dresses in streets and everywhere.

Avoiding triggers is the key man, it is the primary one. You do everything but let all those triggering and alluring content fly before you, you’ll be relapsing before you know. At the same time, do meditation, exercise. Slowly you’ll be immune to triggers after somedays. Even if you get to face some, you’ll not be affected by them. Pray for me and all people.

I’m here in this thread again after masturbating 4 times.

The darkest chapter of my life is going for the last 2 weeks after ending my 9 day streak.

I cried today alone after many days after relapsing for the 4th time today. The despair I felt, the agony of becoming a slave to ■■■■, the anger - everything crumbled on me today. I questioned my existence that why am I in this world. Haha :slight_smile:

■■■■ brought me to this low point alone. Only ■■■■ is to blame along with me. I know self comfort is needed but I deserve such humiliation from me. Years of torture I inflicted upon my poor body.

I have decided write something everyday here, be it a relapsed day or a clean one. To warn the people here in case of my failure or to motivate them at my success in this battle against ■■■■.

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Day 03 ------ Mood 6/10 -------- libido 4/10

Now the last two days were very good. I was motivated both of the days and accomplished some of the tasks that made me feel good. Today its morning here and I experienced morning wood today for a long time.

Even if its only day 3, I dont know why was duration of the morning wood so long. Actually its only day 3 but i feel like a long time has been passed since i last pmo’d. whatever, I’ve started meditation again and it certainly helps.

Yeaterday night I was alone in my house with everyone outside the home for at least 3 hours. The demon was lurking around telling me to give in. But meditations increase your control slowly, I started studying instead and also completed a chapter that I was ignoring for a whole week. So far so good.

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Day 0 ------ Mood 5/10 ------- Libido 0/10

Fapped 5 times in the last 14 hours. Chaser is a very strong thing. You fapped once. Highly disappointed. After sometime, mind says, “You’ve fapped once, there is no problem in doing twice, right?” Thus the journey goes on and on until exhaustion. My exhaustion came after 5 times.

I was trying to desensitize my triggers ny consciously entering the search bar and typing my favourite type of ■■■■ and then cloaing the tab forcefully with willpower. I fall a victim to this approach after successfully controlling for 5 days. But, as I failed. I see this is as a learning experience and not to use this experiment ever again.

Till now I’ve shut off facebook, youtube and that experiment became a success as while using these two, I was relapsing daily because of the reels and shorts that are triggering. I’ll keep eexperimenting and adopt the better resulted experiences as habits for becoming successful.


Day 8 ------ Mood 7/10 ------- Libido 5/10

Yo. After a huge downtime of one month of continuous relapsing, I’m here with 8 days. Feeling confident, strong, powerful, holding eye contacts. I’m avoiding facebook and yt for these days and never used insta, tiktok etc. in my life.

I’ve stopped those experiments I used to do and I think this is the life I need to lead for not giving in to pmo. Also, there is no urge for the last 4/5 days. Also attraction to real girls coming back as I tried to connect to one of my crushes today.

I’m reading a book called “feeling good” and that’s absolutely badass as It gives a feeling of gaining by doing simole tasks. Though I’m noy meditating now, but hope to start thatfron today. Pray for me, I’ll be able to rewire this time inshaAllah.