Hello all,
I have been struggling against the same addiction for 10 years now. I have been using Rewire on and off since early 2021, and I’m still here. The last time I posted anything was 2 years ago.
I’m back
I’ve been stuck in a pmo loop for months, and I’ve broken any streaks I’ve had since I’ve left about 1-2x a week. I was living with it for a while since it didn’t seem to affect my life, my motivation or my relationship with my girlfriend, but recently, that hasn’t been the case.
I’ve been slowly losing more and more motivation and willpower as the days go by. I’m tired. I’m stressed. My body is starting to show it. Weight gain, eczema, falling behind on my college courses. Coupled with my diagnosed anxiety, depressive episodes and light PTSD, I’m beginning to spiral. My girlfriend is the love of my life and I don’t want to fall apart on her. I don’t want to fall apart at all.
So here we are again, for the last time, whether I like it or not.
Short-term goals:
Start using this diary every night
Get back in the gym, 3x a week to start
Make a study schedule for finals
Begin the journey of quitting PM (no O, I’m still going to have sex with my girlfriend as it’s a bonding activity we both enjoy)
Long Term Goals:
Build a budget and maximize monetary savings
Create and stick to a meal prep chart within budget
Graduate college
Move out with my GF (currently living together in my father’s house, we’re hoping to save enough and move out this year with friends)
Today is a new day. That doesn’t make me a new person, but it does mean I get another chance to change. Little by little, I’ll get where I want to be.
Day 0:
I felt good today. I was late to work, and I procrastinated on homework, but I cleaned up around the house a bit, and my SO and I made spaghetti and we watched a movie, so net positive. Tomorrow at noon will mark 1 day clean. I’ve been here before, and I know the real fight isn’t even on the horizon yet, but I’m using the calm I have now to prepare. I’m not using Pblockers, but I’m going to limit my social media use. I already have the Instagram app on my phone locked down to just messages and stories thanks to a custom APK, and while I tend to spend hours rotting on YT Shorts, there’s really no triggers there and I won’t have time to do that in the coming week anyway.
Day 1:
I’ve started shifting my focus towards cleaning up my general habits before anything else. I’m trying to get back on the grind with classes and it’s going well! I should have 2 of my 4 class finals done ahead of schedule. The hardest one is going to be Differential Equations for sure, that one is gonna take a lot of studying. I have 1 1/2 weeks though, so as long as I stay on top of it I should be fine. I have a lot of places where I’m lacking but if I try to focus on them all at once, I’m going to fail finals so I’ll take it one at a time.
Urges were minimal today, I barely even noticed them. It’s the first day though, so I’m not surprised. I’m honestly glad I have so much more to focus on, it keeps my mind off everything. Tomorrow I work most of the day and have classwork to do when I get home, so I’ll definitely be occupied.
Day 2:
Quick update, I fell asleep late and didn’t have time to log my day yesterday. Still going strong, no relapse. I set up my new exercise plan yesterday and I’m working on my finals work later today. Feeling good, working on my diet and doing some more cleaning as well. Will update tonight
Day 3:
Today was a reset day for me and my gf so I didn’t do anything crazy productive today, but we did get to spend some quality time together which to me is productive in its own right. However, I did make a mental list of all the homework and housework that needs done tomorrow and I’m going to get up and crush it all A few friends and I are going to hang out and get some studying done too! Everything is holding well and I’m still going strong on my streak.
However, I have some concerns with the community that has been cultivated on this forum. It’s something I noticed way back in 2021 but it’s gotten stronger over time. I’ve kept my mouth shut because I wasn’t sure if it was just a cultural thing but some of the views echoed here, especially associated with women and emotional health, are definitely unhealthy as a universal rule. I’m not one for making waves and I’m not even gonna try, but if I keep seeing these views perpetuated I’m probably going to head out of this community.
Day 4:
I think I’m going to be doing these in the morning from now on, I’ve been exhausted recently and fall asleep as soon as I get in my bed. Yesterday was perfect. I was able to clean up a lot, ran through the dishes and got a good chunk of classwork over with, including one of my larger final projects. Urges are ramping up. This morning has been particularly tough. My motivation to go to work is almost nonexistent. I know that’s the case for most people, but I used to love my job. I work as an electronics repair technician and I get to mess around with electronics all day. Recently though, it’s felt very monotonous. Has anyone else dealt with this, and did you find a way to get over it?
Day 5-10:
I have been absolutely crushed by finals and family issues, I’ve been going to bed every night and waking up more tired than the day before. BUT, still going strong on my streak. I’m working on taking care of myself, and I’ve been trying to form good sleep habits so I can make it through this next week of schoolwork.
I’m done with 1/4 classes, finished with an A. I have 1 final next Tuesday, and 2 finals next Thursday, and then I’m free!!! I’ll be done with my AA and my AS, and I’ll be moving on to get my BS in mechanical engineering. I’m excited, but I know the road only gets rougher from here. I just need to pass these classes, and then everything will be on track.
I also need to start building a budget sooner rather than later, because I might need to move out of my father’s house sooner than I thought. I’m 21 and I wanted to have my own place by the time I was 19, but the housing and job market where I live is horrendous. I make almost twice what most people my age are making and I still couldn’t even afford a 1 bedroom apartment. With my and my SO’s salaries combined, we might have a fighting chance, but it’s still gonna be rough.
But for now, that’s the future. My immediate truth is that I gotta get to bed in order to get to the gym bright and early before work tomorrow. My original plan was to go Mon/Wed/Fri this week, but everything’s been so crazy I haven’t had time, so I’ll settle for just Friday.
Day 11-13:
Almost 2 weeks in! I’m going strong, though the rest of my life is in shambles. Finals are approaching and the family drama is kicking up. I don’t have time to study, and I barely have time to breathe. I didn’t make it to the gym on Friday, but I’m determined and ready to make it tomorrow morning.
I’m thinking of stepping back into therapy, my anxiety has been ramping up more and more recently. I’m getting panic attacks a few times a week again, which hasn’t been the case for a long time. I need to make sure my mind stays together or else everything falls apart. Will update if I manage to find some kind of affordable therapy that isn’t ChatGPT
Oh dear you must be having so much stress recently.
I also suffered several panic attacks in recent months, called the ambulance several times… And I’d say my panic attacks were induced by relapse. Nearly every panic attack happened shortly after relapse. I suspect PMO has damaged my nervous system. So I wish you to get out of this addiction otherwise the problem would get worse.
I’m curious that during panic attack, do you have the feeling that you’re going to die?? Did you call the ambulance?
@ToThy I used to feel like I was going to die. I’ve been having panic attacks since I was 12-13, they’re a side effect of abuse that I’m still getting over. I remember running to the bathroom and laying on the floor because it felt like my whole body was shutting down. It still feels the same, but I’ve learned to manage the mental aspect of it. Panic attacks are your fight-or-flight kicking in when there’s no reason for it to, and dumping tons of adrenaline into your body. While there’s nothing I can do to stop that part, I’ve practiced calming my mind and staying still until the physical symptoms pass.
Day 14:
2 weeks in! Urges for ■■■■ specifically are skyrocketing but I’m not swaying this time. I didn’t make it to the gym (shocker, I know) but I’m one step closer to going on Wednesday. My gym bag is completely packed and I’ll pick out clothes tomorrow ahead of time. I really need to get some energy out, between finals and family stress. I just want to throw my gloves on and wail on the heavy bag at my gym even though I’m horribly out of practice
In other news, work wasn’t downright terrible today. I tried really hard to hone in on each task I was doing, and it helped me stay a little more alert. I’ve also been cooking more with my SO! I re-seasoned my wok and we made dak bulgogi for the first time, and I whipped up some fried rice for lunch today. Things are starting to flow again, it’s just a matter of keeping it up.
Day 15:
2 out of 4 classes down now! My last 2 class exams are this Thursday, and then I’m free . Urges were fairly constant today, I recognized them passively and let them float by.
Family stress is getting to me. Headaches, lost sleep, eczema flareups, It’s all hitting now and I don’t have time to slow down and process everything. I’m holding myself together until after finals, then I can fall apart a bit and reconvene. My gym bag is packed and at the foot of my bed. I have no excuse not to go to the gym tomorrow, even if I wake up late. Wish me luck
My stomach is in knots. Tomorrow I have 2 final exams, and I need to pass them both with a respectable grade or else I will be held back from pursuing my bachelor’s for another semester I’ve got this though!!! I went to the gym today before work and got some nice exercise in. Might start posting my exercise logs here if I stay consistent with going. Urges aren’t gone but neither is my streak. You choose your world.
That’s it for tonight, it’s a short entry because I gotta sleep ASAP so I can study more tomorrow. Wish me luck!
This stressful period is tough, but you are tougher. And it won’t last forever. You’ll thank yourself for sticking with positive habits through it when it passes.
so I’ll take it one at a time.
I’ve got this though!!! I went to the gym today before work and got some nice exercise in. Might start posting my exercise logs here if I stay consistent with going. Urges aren’t gone but neither is my streak. You choose your world.
