Alright, its been a while…
So after my last entry, i relapsed on day 4. I broke the pattern on day 3, but the next day the pattern broke me.
I was really upset, this was not supposed to happen, I thought I’m over this, just yesterday I was happy that I broke the pattern, resisted and won with something as powerful as lust, and the next day I lost.
So the life went on, I went back to old habits, and the good ones fell apart.
Study routine, cold showers, meditation, yoga, sleep hygiene, no surf, it all fell apart, because it was being held by the need of feeling that I’m working towards something and I’m getting somewhere, and fighting with something as primitive and basic as sexual energy, everyday, sometimes every minute, and winning, was definitely rewarding.
So I was back to being a loser, and I was ready to go back to lying in bed all day, watching twitch, browsing reddit and binging Netflix and youtube to put myself to sleep and sleep my life away. Sleep at night with anxiety, and then sleep during the day by distracting myself with all the technology. Sleep from emotions by pmo, and sleep from hobbies by procrastination.
I was ready to go back to being socially anxious, disconnected from emotions average guy that is never going to escape being average because i dont leave my comfort zone. Fear dictates my life and I use stuff like pmo and surfing web to distract myself from the fact that I’m wasting my life away.
So all that realization came to me at once when I was leaving a house party, I didn’t have fun, because Im a numb self conscious fuck that pretends to not give a shit but deep inside behind this stupid fucking fortress I’ve built I’m a sensitive shy scared little boy.
So I drove back home thinking that this shit happens everytime and I’m not getting anywhere. I do those big promises to myself, and then execute them for some time, then it all falls apart and I’m back fucking nowhere. But because I keep making myself those promises, it allows me to not face reality that I’m in deep shit, because I have plan to escape it, right.
So I got to my home and then drove past it. I needed to do anything to break the fucking cycle, and returning back home and going to sleep or browsing reddit to numb myself was opposite of that. So I went past my home and drove into the middle of the fucking field, got outside of my car and jumped into the snow like a fucking lunatic.
I was fucking done with being stuck in the same loop that got me fucking nowhere all my life, and decided that I’m going to do even the dumbest shit just to escape it. That stupid shit was like a ritual and as stupid and childish as it is, it felt important.
So here we are, Day fucking 7
All my exams are done, I might get scholarship thanks to my grades. Probably not because online classes inflated all gpas I assume, but there is always a chance. Especially because in the name of breaking the cycle, I requested additional assigments to increase my grades. Something I would never do before, because I don’t care and think I’m better than that.
I’m killing it in all areas of life and feel like I’m actually getting somewhere for the first time in my life.
Morning routine(dream journaling, meditation, yoga, short run), nosurf (blocked reddit and all social media, only use twitch), Study routine (no music, absolute full focus on the subject) and I’m overall more focused on the things I do. I’ve found out that even something as monotone as cleaning dishes can be “fun” if you focus, making it a great meditation practice. I have good sleep hygiene, I eat healthy and exercise. I’m in fucking alpha and omega mode and I feel better everyday.
I’ve decided to pursue materialistic goals for the time being. I absolutely despise money as a motivator to do anything, my meditation practice has helped me understand that everything money can buy and money itself is just an illusion to feed ego, but I’ve decided to first obtain it and then realise that it’s useless, so that I actually experience it all myself. I’m going to play this stupid capitalistic game for a while and get pretty good at it, then I hope I will be strong enough to not get pulled into it and throw it away.
When it comes to nofap I’ve found out that I need to remind myself strongly once in a while why I’m doing this, and that it’s not worth it to throw it away. I need this to keep everything else alive, I need this to break the cycle with every second that my no pmo streak is increasing.
I feel like deleting everything I’ve just written, because nobody gives a fuck, and I wrote it for myself so why would I post it anyway, but in the name of breaking the cycle I’m not going to.
I really need to buy myself a diary