[21 M] HereGoesNothing's Diary

Diary
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1

“Just gonna browse some photos”
“Just gonna see if there’s anything new”
“Just gonna watch this short video”

Yeah right… I knew it was coming, fought it for 2 days, but 30minutes ago i failed.

“Its gonna feel great”
“Its not that big of a deal anyway”
“You did so much today, you can reward yourself”

Well, it didn’t feel great, it is kind of a big deal,and instead of rewarding myself,it’s more of a punishment judging by how I feel right now.

And so today marks day 0 of doing this for real. Hard mode, no masturbation, no pornography, no orgasm.

“Come on you’ve studied enough for today, go play some PoE”
“You’re tired today, let’s just watch Netflix and not do anything productive, tomorrow will be better”
“Just this last video, then I go to sleep for sure”
“Don’t lift today, you can lift tomorrow fully rested”
“Don’t ask her out, you will make an idiot out of yourself”
“I will meditate after this last thread”
“God this shower is fucking cold, let’s not do that”

Part of why I think nofap is so important is because it’s one of the strongest incarnation of the “demon” that wants to persuade you to give in.
Purely hedonistic, worthless experience,that can be entirely reduced to chemical processes in the brain.

I’m not some productivity freak, I don’t fetishize waking up early, “being hungry”, and overworking yourself, especially for materialistic goals,
I just want to be in control. Because part of me that says all those things I’ve quoted has been behind the steering wheel for too long, and it’s about time that I get to drive.

So, here goes nothing

I’m going to run this diary for 90 days, then focus on other aspects of life. If I ever fail, I will return here, but if I’m not back, you best believe I’m still going strong.

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Welcome to the Community. We’re glad to have you with us. I’m happy to here that you want to improve your life for the better.

Stay Clean, Stay Focused, Stay Healthy and Stay Happy :v:

Nicholas/24/VA Beach, VA :us:

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Day 1

No Fap: No urges yet, I thought I’d feel worse after yesterday’s relapse but it’s not that bad. Something is missing tho, and I miss the benefits, and I kinda miss the fight with myself when I feel the urges.
Not much to write about for now.

Mental state: I’m okay

Physical state: little bit sore from introducing Olympic weightlifting into my usual bodybuilding routine, little bit tired, could use more sleep

Meditation: Didn’t meditate today, focused all my energy to not procrastinate study time

School: Around 4 hours of advanced math for uni finals. I fucking hate math. I find it extremely boring and even though it’s supposed to be advanced, all it is is following some kind of structure, template to solve the problems. Where is the problem solving in that, how is this supposed to be engaging if I can’t use creativity nor intelligence, just some stupid pattern recognition.

Gym: Tried to do pull day without deadlifts, but I listened to my body telling me that it’s not the best idea since I didn’t recover fully from yesterday’s push. Still happy that I tried,even though I didn’t feel like it.

Plan for next week/2: pass the exams, start building some real strength in main lifts, cold runs, cold showers, more meditation, more self awareness during the day, more regular sleep, build solid mental foundation to take shrooms and use them to their full potential.

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Don’t forget to go outside and get some fresh air. Take a walk in the park.

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Maths is fun , u just need to devote some time to it , more time than other subjects.

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You’re actually spot on with that advice. I started to do this thing where i go outside and run for 30min/1h in only my shirt and shorts in -10 C cold, wim hof method and all, I felt great. I need to do that again because I almost don’t leave my house at all during the pandemic, so thank you for reminding me.

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Im very good at math, it’s not that I dislike it because it’s hard,I just don’t care about those numbers. The problem solving stimulation I get from math I can easily get from chess and actually have fun with some interesting strategies. I think math can be really fun, just not for me. But well, I’m in uni for software engineering degree, so math is not going anywhere anytime soon, need to get used to forcing myself to study again, which is pretty good meditation practice at least.

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Day 2
Some good wins today,

No Fap: Morning wood, which never happens during pmo, so even thought it’s only day 2 there is something going on already. No urges really, but I was super busy with studying anyway, and as we all know being busy is the best way to not feel urges. Not horny yet, so far so good

I woke up today and meditated for 20 minutes, then went outside and shoveled snow on the driveway, then did some math and went outside again, in my boxers only in the freezing cold to finish shovelling. So I’m happy with myself as I managed to meditate and go outside despite being busy with exams

Mental state: Okay, little bit anxious about exams tomorrow (fucking math finals)

Physical state: All well

School: Studied for around 6h, have to finish one module tomorrow just before exam, hope I can fit everything I’ve crammed in my brain c.f.

Gym: Did light pull day without deadlifts, okay session

Meditation: 20min only, but good enough for today

Normally I would probably fap to try and relieve the pressure and anxiety I feel because of the exams, but that’s obviously not happening, so I’m going to read a book and go to sleep quickly.

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Day 3
Alright,forgot to put entry yesterday, but it was a good day.

I scored around 85% on my math finals, considering I only attended 60% classes and didn’t study much, it’s a great result. But the biggest part is, I didn’t fap. And even though it’s only 3 days, I would always fap after exam like this to get rid of the pressure and anxiety (only temporarily as we all know), and just numb myself. But I didn’t, and that’s a huge pattern broken. Instead I did pull day in the gym,chilled and even learned French for the exam. Those little everyday patterns are what contributes to the big problem, and I’m very proud of breaking those lately.

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Alright, its been a while…

So after my last entry, i relapsed on day 4. I broke the pattern on day 3, but the next day the pattern broke me.

I was really upset, this was not supposed to happen, I thought I’m over this, just yesterday I was happy that I broke the pattern, resisted and won with something as powerful as lust, and the next day I lost.

So the life went on, I went back to old habits, and the good ones fell apart.

Study routine, cold showers, meditation, yoga, sleep hygiene, no surf, it all fell apart, because it was being held by the need of feeling that I’m working towards something and I’m getting somewhere, and fighting with something as primitive and basic as sexual energy, everyday, sometimes every minute, and winning, was definitely rewarding.

So I was back to being a loser, and I was ready to go back to lying in bed all day, watching twitch, browsing reddit and binging Netflix and youtube to put myself to sleep and sleep my life away. Sleep at night with anxiety, and then sleep during the day by distracting myself with all the technology. Sleep from emotions by pmo, and sleep from hobbies by procrastination.

I was ready to go back to being socially anxious, disconnected from emotions average guy that is never going to escape being average because i dont leave my comfort zone. Fear dictates my life and I use stuff like pmo and surfing web to distract myself from the fact that I’m wasting my life away.

So all that realization came to me at once when I was leaving a house party, I didn’t have fun, because Im a numb self conscious fuck that pretends to not give a shit but deep inside behind this stupid fucking fortress I’ve built I’m a sensitive shy scared little boy.

So I drove back home thinking that this shit happens everytime and I’m not getting anywhere. I do those big promises to myself, and then execute them for some time, then it all falls apart and I’m back fucking nowhere. But because I keep making myself those promises, it allows me to not face reality that I’m in deep shit, because I have plan to escape it, right.

So I got to my home and then drove past it. I needed to do anything to break the fucking cycle, and returning back home and going to sleep or browsing reddit to numb myself was opposite of that. So I went past my home and drove into the middle of the fucking field, got outside of my car and jumped into the snow like a fucking lunatic.

I was fucking done with being stuck in the same loop that got me fucking nowhere all my life, and decided that I’m going to do even the dumbest shit just to escape it. That stupid shit was like a ritual and as stupid and childish as it is, it felt important.

So here we are, Day fucking 7
All my exams are done, I might get scholarship thanks to my grades. Probably not because online classes inflated all gpas I assume, but there is always a chance. Especially because in the name of breaking the cycle, I requested additional assigments to increase my grades. Something I would never do before, because I don’t care and think I’m better than that.
I’m killing it in all areas of life and feel like I’m actually getting somewhere for the first time in my life.

I do:
Morning routine(dream journaling, meditation, yoga, short run), nosurf (blocked reddit and all social media, only use twitch), Study routine (no music, absolute full focus on the subject) and I’m overall more focused on the things I do. I’ve found out that even something as monotone as cleaning dishes can be “fun” if you focus, making it a great meditation practice. I have good sleep hygiene, I eat healthy and exercise. I’m in fucking alpha and omega mode and I feel better everyday.

I’ve decided to pursue materialistic goals for the time being. I absolutely despise money as a motivator to do anything, my meditation practice has helped me understand that everything money can buy and money itself is just an illusion to feed ego, but I’ve decided to first obtain it and then realise that it’s useless, so that I actually experience it all myself. I’m going to play this stupid capitalistic game for a while and get pretty good at it, then I hope I will be strong enough to not get pulled into it and throw it away.

When it comes to nofap I’ve found out that I need to remind myself strongly once in a while why I’m doing this, and that it’s not worth it to throw it away. I need this to keep everything else alive, I need this to break the cycle with every second that my no pmo streak is increasing.

I feel like deleting everything I’ve just written, because nobody gives a fuck, and I wrote it for myself so why would I post it anyway, but in the name of breaking the cycle I’m not going to.

I really need to buy myself a diary

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Okay, so I’ve read the “Easy Peasy method” book today. Entire thing. In one sitting.
I did my final pmo today, had to actually convince myself to fap, to follow the instructions. I HAD TO CONVINCE MYSELF TO FAP. So today was the last time I PMOd ever. I’m not going to write entries in this diary like I intended to, because I just don’t care about porn anymore. I will write short updates on 1st of March, then month later and the last update in 90 days just to finish what I started.
I don’t really care about streaks anymore, I’m over it. As weird as it sounds, I might miss fighting with myself using strong will, but I don’t think feeling proud is worth it.
Good luck guys, btw I think the book is pretty good, if you’ve been wrestling with pmo and haven’t read it, it might change or life. Or not. But try it.

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