I love calling myself as “Sisyphus” - its like my OG alias that I use on the internet. For those of you who don’t know what “Sisyphus” it is a name often mentioned in classical Greek mythology( I’m an avid reader of mythologies, cultures and beliefs from all over the world).
He (i.e., Sisyphus) was a king who pissed off Zeus, the king of the gods, and was given the punishment to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down once again when he manages to get it to the top. He is damned to do this for all eternity.
I find this story quite fascinating- it literally sums up humanity:
" A constant search for meaning, significance and belonging in this alien and solitary world we’re thrown into, to reach a supposed conclusion after generations of penance and hardwork, only to see it nullified and destroyed, and then starting it all over again. "
Aren’t we all like Sisyphus?
Enough with this- let me talk about myself. I’m an undergraduate student, pursuing engineering from a privately owned university in India. I couldn’t pass in the government exam ( I got through the first stage with so-so marks, but couldn’t clear the last stage), even though I’ve been told that I’m a bright student. I hate myself for it- I let everybody down when I choose to let myself drown in the cesspit what we call as internet ( I got personal Internet freedom only a few years back) which led to PMO and watching stereotypes portrayed all over the internet about every single person living on the planet ( aka the social media). I’ve been masturbating since I was 13 (the same year that adolescence hit me like a truck), but not that frequently to porn, that escalated only 2 or 3 years back.
I’ve never been in a relationship - I’m terrible at talking to girls - they need relatable guys who they feel secure around - and I’m the complete opposite of that. I don’t even have crushes on girls- I did sort of force myself to fell in love with a couple of girls - but it turned out to be a failure , and that switched me off. I don’t think I’ll ever get in a relationship in my life - not because I’m a depressed old drunkard who shouts " I’ve given up on love."
But chiefly because I’ve introspected myself and found that I’ll never be able to give the love and affection that a girl deserves. I’m too insecure on the inside.
I don’t like being insecure and confused all the time - I wanna have faith, I want to be religious and follow the path of God . ( I don’ consider myself a Hindu , or any religion for that matter. I respect each and every deity there is, but I am of the firm belief that God is a symbol of all that is good in this world- trust , love , affection etc. My God has no name. But I do find him in philosophy and religious texts).
This world disgusts me - I don’t wanna be a part of it , but I feel like I’m being held up against my will . I’m too curious to see the tomorrow, that I can’t even kill myself. I feel like I’m sitting on the bank of a river , watching it float away endlessly , as the world around me turns to day and night.
I’m such a mess.