[19M] I am a 19y old p addict and this is my crazy story

[TheGladiatorPath]

Before everything i just want to say that i know how messed up my life is and i wanna try and fix it for real now. I know there might be some judging and i get it, i dont know how i let this ■■■■ addiction push me into things so extreme but im here right now and i want to get better. I hope there are people here who have gone trough think similar, or even if there arent and there is anyone here who can point me into the right path for a better life. Even if there isnt anyone im gonna start this journey alone and fight everyday to get better and never give up, that i promise

Hi guys, im 19 and im from Romania. I came here to pour all my feelings out. Ive never had some1 to talk to about these things and i want that to change, things have gone so far that realised that i need this now more than ever. My first ever sexual experience was about 10 years ago, in kindergarden. Me and my bunk mate which was a girl touched each others genitalia. It was brief but it awaken something in me.

The next story is about the first sexual intercouse i had when i was 11. I dont remember how it started, but i do remember that we had somekind of sexual game on the computer so thats probably where we got curious, i dont have a lot of memories about it but i will try my best to explain it. This happend and my grandparents village. This was between me and my best friend which was also a male. I vaguely remember that we had somekind of ■■■■ intercourse with eachother but at that age nobody finished, i just recolect that it felt good. It happend a few times but i dont know who started it, he was a bit older. Our friendship ended briefly when his parents caught him showing me ■■■■, so the sexual intercouse stoped as well. I do remember that he showed my once how he had sexual intercouse with a dog which at the time looked harmless to me so when i got home i let my dog lick my penis, now i know it was wrong but at the timpe i didnt.

This story is about a sexual experience i had with a girl.It also happend at my grandparents village. It was also around the time when i was 11, we where a group of 4-5 people, one kid around 8, me and another girl at 11 and one girl and one guy at 15. I dont really remember how it started but i do know that we were pushed by the older kids. They kinda made it look like a game, i dont think there was any intercourse but i do remember some touching and licking which doent make it any better.

Now the next1 im not proud of, it happend when i was 12. Me and my best friend at the time, which was also a male, used to spend a lot of time together so i remember that i told him about the “sex” i mention previously, so we also tried, it happend around 3 times. I do think that i pushed him a bit and i dont think he wanted at first but then it keeped happening. I do recolect that it this time the penetration happend on both sides for sure but no1 enjoyed it because it probably hirt. We were also around a lot older kids at the time who even thought were more mature they still made us do terible think that now i know were incredibly stupid. We all masturbated in front of each other, or on omegle, showed us popular ■■■■ sites and a lot of other stupid stuff that are not good but not thay important.

Now after those kids showed us those stuff i started masturbating for real, i was about 13-14 when that happend and it didnt happend often but thats where it started. I remember that i started masturbating more is when i turned 15 and it slowly picked up. When i was 17 i was masturbating 2 times a day and i started getting into harder ■■■■ because i wasnt getting the same satifaction from normal one, at this time i got my first heartbreak which was awfull but the thing that i turned to was ■■■■, which was always there no matter what. Things like cnc, gloryhole, gangbangs and many other. When i turned 18 i started getting more stressed so i started masturbating more, 3-4 times a day which also ment that the ■■■■ i eas watching started getting old, i discovered the transexual category and zoophilia which i didnt really like and i knew it was morally wrong and i felt so awful after but anything for rush. Than one day a friend of mine, who if you guys can belive was much more broken than me at the time, told me about the ■■■■ that i can find on twitter, specially teen more, girls ranging from 13-14 to 18-19. I want to vomit thinking of it and evertime i watched something like that i felt so bad, made me question my life but i never took hard action. I just uninstalled twitter, even tho the next day or even that day i would install it again. I also watched things on dark net thay i souldnt have, crazy ■■■■. Im doing better on that departament noe and i hope i dont relapse.

After i started watching shemale ■■■■ i was curious of what made i feel so good, so i seached online and discovered the prostate. I knew i had it but never knew it could give plesure so i stared reseching ways of plesuring myself but i didnt really enjoy it that much untill i got my first dildo. Im not gay or atleast im not atracted to men at all but this made me question it greatly so i installed grindr and taked to a guy to meet up, the sex was brief i couldnt keep a hard on so i had to close my eyes, think of a girl while he gave me a ■■■■■■■ so i could finish after that i knew i wasnt atracted to men but i was or i am to transgenders. I do not know if its because i am so adicted to ■■■■ and so disensetized that i actually am not atracted and i am just seaching for the rush, i am hopping to find that out with this jurney.

Now im gonna get into what made me start treating this thing/addiction seriously. Just turned 19 and i cant take it anymore, im masturbation 4-5 times a day, watching ■■■■, my brain is fucked, i cant concentrate and i cant remember like i used to. I now plesure myself with a prostate vibrator almost everyday, even makes me puke thinking of it after but i always go back, i tried to throw it away but i always went back to it and bought more so i just gave up. Im serios about this and this post should show you guys that. I know im messing up my life but i need the help and i hope some1 could try and point me into the right direction.

[MegatronX]

Brother whatever you have done, It’s never too late to correct yourself. Since you are in a hypersexual state, I would suggest to stay busy. Make a goals for 7 days and if you are getting extreme urges and there’s no way to stop them then lower down the level of fulfilling it. Stoping masturbation is easy but the real problem is p**n addiction. I don’t know about this prostrate stuff but abstain from it, instead when relapse is inevitable just simple masturbate (without some hardcore stuff or other stimuli). Keep lowering the level of your addiction by shifting to more simpler approaches.

Stay busy and make good friends. Leave the friends whose gathering is making you worse. Also I don’t know if you are religious, but if you are then try connecting to it.

[TheGladiatorPath]

thanks man, any advice is highly apriciated. I will try and stay as busy as i can and i will try and stay as much as i can away from the phone, my high screen usage might me a reason why i cant get away from ■■■■.

[Brahmchary]

We are with you bro. Don’t give up.
Start doing exercise and meditation.
Also follow the path suggested by your religion. Connect to God.

Your life will be better
I pray for you and wish you all the very best bhai

[rajameghanan]

It seems like you were a person who seeks for pleasure badly. But now try to escape from the trap in which you are trapped in. For someone who seeks more pleasure, he should either be alone, whose presence is not valued by anyone, with the groups who make him inferior or submissive. The otherside he may be the one who didn’t want others presence, want to feel good always.

I think you may fall in 1st type which seems you are staying in a circle where you are not yourself. Now you have come here to get out of that shit. I really appreciate that. Since you turned 19 recently, you took responsibility for your life it seems. You are halfway past the victory. Need to go forward hereafter to get what you need.

[rajameghanan]

Reading from your confession, I can see that you researched a lot to enjoy pleasures. But it wouldn’t have said one thing that pleasure is temporary but happiness is permanent just like form is temporary but class is permanent in cricket.

You need happiness not pleasure. You feel satisfied in the beginning but breaks down easily after pleasure. But you feel broken first, then fight, win a battle, lose a battle and again this process continues to make you unbreakable and finally you would be happy. So aim for happiness in your life. It is not complicated like pleasure which you have to satisfy your nervous system.

Happiness is innate. Find something that satisfies you your inner person, your soul. Like helping out the people who are so vulnerable, building a good body, excelling in academics. Though it takes time, it is worth it.

You know that, Rome is not built in a day, right?

[rajameghanan]

To overcome, pmo, just do very simple things. You told that you have a vibrator. Just break it. Or throw it in fire. Don’t let it around you. Then change your environment. More probably you have things triggering you to do pmo. So, throw them out. If your phone is the thing, then clear all the data except that needed for your life, studies and families. Use it like a new one. Fill your mobile with the things that will give you happiness. Even small things that you achieve in your life. Have a family photo in your wallpaper so that you would really feel bad to search for p websites.

You told that you gotta friend who is also a p addict, right? Go and inspire him to get out of the shit. If he is willing to come out of it, show him the path towards redemption. When you tell something to someone, it is like telling to yourself.

And when you get more urges, hold your breath as much as possible and escape from where you are to get some fresh air outside. You would distract yourself in this way. Or do some workouts like pushups or go for a run. Do something that makes you breathe a lot, just like after a workout. So that you will definitely be distracted. And get cold shower everyday.

Make not doing pmo as a resolution for a day, everyday and succeed in it. Your streak will automatically increase. Don’t even touch your tool or search for p just for watching and not doing. It is also a lapse. Don’t cheat on yourself. All the best.

[TheGladiatorPath]

My dad passed away when i was 12 my mom wasnt really present in my life emotionally until i turned 16. I was really depressed but now i started to treat my trauma and depression and i want to start to get my life together and i think that this addiction is the most important to fix. Thank you for the kind words and advice i am very serios about this and i will succed.

[TheGladiatorPath]

This addiction almost ruined my life. I stoped going to the gym, to boxing training, i dont read pilosophy anymore, i dont have any hobbies anymore but that will change. Its time. I know its gonna be a hard jurney but im here to succed. Thank you for the advice, i will keep in mind and do my best. Thanks.

[rajameghanan]

I am sorry about your personal life bro. But I believe you can do it. All the best.

[Sinchuz552]

I read the book “Dopamine nation” which helped me quite a bit to better understand addiction and its treatment. In the book, they start off with a similar story to yours, where ever so hard ■■■■ was involved and constructing crazy toys, throw it into the garbage just to take it all out the next day to start again. Maybe also an interesring read for you.

In addition, joining this community, finding people in similar situations, talking about it, thinking about it, joining nofap challenges, finding a companion etc. Helped me quite a lot.

Also understanding that most of us use ■■■■ most of the time as a coping mechanism to overcome bad feelings, negativ emotions, stress, frustration, disappointment, you name it, helped me. Being mindful about when you want to start fapping and why is that, what is the bad feeling you have. Being mindful about that some pain has to be endured (resisting the urges and not escaping the negative feelings, but rather face and embrace them to improve your situation).

While on the nofap journey, also simple tools were helpful for me so far, for example, when urges come, immediately go for an ice cold shower (around 4 minutes) or start meditation (i can recommend autogenic training, but it takes some time to learn it, or progressive muscle relaxation). Cold showering is always tough (the more you get used to it the colder you can go to make it still uncomfortable), but it also helps in withstanding tough situations and improves mental strength.

All the best for you. Remember that the most important point is to never give up, relapses will come from time to time, but we should avoid all-or-nothing thinking and directly get up again to refocus.