13-23 still stuck there

Confession
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It’s been almost 10 years., (Spoiler gay story)

I was a child I had no clue, whats sex or sexuality.
All my classmate had started to figure out themselves and pursuing girls, I didn’t feel that excitement, and tried my best I want to be like them, live the same excitement.

My friend at the time, one day I went to his house and he touched me. I didn’t realise/analyse, what’s happening, then I did the same to him, I liked the attention, then I got excited. For 2-3 weeks, everyday, without thinking, driven by desire, excitement, desire to fill alot of void, I went to his place to explore and try more. It it all stoped when it got to where he wanted me to sck hi dick, and then actually panetrate me. I didn’t agree for one reason, he made it feel like I’m bad person, he humiliated me.

10 years , since 2 major things in my life happened.
I realized I’m gay, and felt it’s bad and humiliating , felt worthless. I realized how people would look down on me of they knew. And second thing, I was stuck there in the good moment slightly before feeling humiliated. I remember everything so clear, I remember every feeling.
Since then I’m running back to that moment, I’m stuck in being 13, I never left that moment, my body is growing, time is passing, the world is speeding to the future, and I’m still stuck there.

I relapsed a bit ago, after 7 days. I’m telling this story depressed, sad, it’s still stuck in my head, it changed me, killed something in me. I was just 13 , and it just happened.
No one cared to check what was happening for 2-3 weeks, and no one cared to check why the hell, suddenly this child changed 180 degrees, from very active full of life, to sad quit guy.

I tried to cure myself from that moment for years, I’m still stuck there at that age.

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Being stuck with the same idea for years living it over and over,and hating myself about it, crying about it, blaming myself and hurting myself. Cause the world made it my fault, I realized people won’t understand, would blame me, humiliate me, use me. Not being able to talk about this , and it keep playing in my head,. Believe me it’s depressing to highest standards.

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I realized no one replied your message brother
For the heads up i am no supporter of LGBTQ but there are just things that isn’t meant to be ignored, people won’t understand what you’re going through but i do…mine is something like yours but i was the predator, the abuser of my own little cousin, i was incest and a pedophile probably it’s worse than yours and trust me since that time about 8 years i haven’t been the same, i usually play that scene over and over again and i hated myself for that
The truth is we’re harming ourselves just by those past mistakes, i have learnt to embrace it Rather than forget it cus the truth is we can’t, it’s stuck with us

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Bro move on, that’s the past…You can’t change it…I too have been battling with PMO too but i am trying to change

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I’m trying, sometimes I feel like, finally I’m in peace with it, then it pops again to my mind and bring alot of details and feelings with it.

Thank you for replying man :pray:
I appreciate it alot

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Memories can never die, even when you’ve forgotten it always find it’s way to get back to you, the best thing is anytime it’s come to hunt you just embrace it, forgive yourself

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@Rab_J Its ok my friend. There is nothing wrong in how you behaved. Teenagers are like that only when they are raging hormones. Don’t worry about it. I don’t think what you did was such a big mistake and all. Actually it wasn’t even a mistake. It was just your natural instinct… U just wanted someone to love you… That’s all. I’m telling you bru… YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

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