You can do it, no matter what!

Ok, the day has come I decided to write about my problems and achievements. Ups and downs. Fails and victories. Maybe I’ll learn something myself, maybe someone will find it helpful as well. So it’s:
3 days and 20 hours.
My problem is hiding somewhere really deep, as it does at the beginning of the new stage. Feeling full of willpower to beat any temptation if it would occur. Well, I always feel like this till the first serious urge :laughing:. And then my guard goes down, what is more - it gets shattered and useless till I glue it again together using the shame, guilt and… well… hope. And the battle is lost.
But not today! Today I’m still preparing my armour for the future. But I am motivated to go as far as I never managed. Grrrrr!!! :triumph:

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Good luck in your journey, you can do it :fire::fire:

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Hi @Dari

It’s a long journey. You will need patience here. But it’s rewarding and you will get out of it eventually if you keep trying. At the same time you might have to make many lifestyle changes like including workout, yoga or meditation. Changing diets. Quitting social medias. These things helps mind in not wandering. But all these things will happen slowly.

You can read many contents here or elsewhere. But keep trying.

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Well well! The 4th day almost ended (1 hour has left). It was really eaaaaasy especially after reading some really inspiring stories of the fights! Despite I didn’t wake up at 6 (didn’t turn on the alarm), but at least slept for 8 hours!! First time during the whole week. I guess my body decided - “no way I’m gonna let you wake up earlier, just sleep, for crying out loud, you idiot”. I didn’t argue, apparently:D if somebody is interested there is a podcast about sleep and all the benefits. And necessities.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xTvxa0Rlhpghttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xTvxa0Rlhpg
Hope this is the right link :sweat_smile:
And decided to return to cold showers in the morning! Ok ok, I’m starting to get used to it, so little steps: legs below knees for the first week. But it gives extra energy indeed and isn’t that shocking as the whole body… and as I have one little project to end, I am busy and haven’t that unpleasant feeling of misery and uselessness! Enjoy your day :coffee:! Don’t let yourself feel useless and unworthy. Do something for somebody. Help someone. Share something with someone! You must give to gain much more! Straighten you shoulders. Let’s prepare for another battle :wink:

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Good morning, Vietnam! Ok, I’m from Europe, and it isn’t even morning… However! Every day, that is finished without fail is a “Good Morning” for a new life! Welcome! It’s the 5th day and the 21st hour. What insights do I have? Well, I guess someone already made that conclusion somewhere but still: all this addiction is about the mindset. I guess, on the cases when you relapse, possibility is you WANTED to relapse. It’s either - “oh, it’s nothing wrong”, “oh, I spent so many days without this, it’s nothing wrong if I just…”, “hey, I could live without that for xx days, I’m in control of it, I’ll just take a sneak peek…”, "I’m stronger than this, so to prove it I’ll… And where do we end? Yup, on the top of the Misery
Mountain :laughing: But reality is - you just wanted to do that and found excuses to do it now. And the moment when you truly realise WHAT do you lose during these moments, everything will change (I’m pretty sure about this). And above all you lose TIME. And you will never get more of this. Maybe it’s worthy to count how many hours, days and months you’ve already wasted? You won’t get it back…I won’t get it back. Never :slight_smile: But it’s a lesson we are still learning. However, don’t want to end today’s entry at a low note. So - those who overcome their weaknesses become much more stronger than those, who never faced them. Straighten up your shoulders, you are ready for the next battle!

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So, ok it’s the 6th day and 21st hour of the new stage I began. Not a big deal. Not that long and not that mind blowing. Somehow, writing about my fight daily gave me an impression that there are much more than 6 days (almost 7!). And the false impression can be dangerous as well. When the thoughts sneak in that “oh, it was so long ago you did these pointless actions, you kinda earned the right to do it again…” yup, sometimes the temptation comes in this shape. But the goal is to brush them away, don’t listen and don’t even consider as possibility. Just do something uplifting, something fun, something a bit crazy. Or pray. Or count backwards 5.4.3.2.1. (Five seconds rule, Mel Robbins, do you know it?) and then kick yourself out of those thoughts with different occupation the one, that is associated with your dreams - find the adress of the gym, look for courses on learning new language, read a blog post about free lancing. Haven’t any dreams yet? Write them down! Anything that gives some fresh air to breath and to pull that shady material out of your eyes and brain is WELCOME! So don’t stay in that swamp, pull your self out! And straighten up your shoulders, you are ready for the next battle!

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It’s the middle of the 7th day, and today I feel terrible. Feel really lonely, unloved, hopeless, unworthy. And have no hope. Feel no hope. It’s like I’m cycling under the rug. Working and working, but see no signs of winning. It’s depressing! I guess my hormones aren’t helping as well. I realise this condition is quite dangerous for my addiction. I can fall easily. These things happened before several times. When you haven’t emotional strength to keep yourself above the “water”,you have no strength to work against your temptations… hope I won’t fail today. No, I won’t fail today. Just need to straighten up my shoulders. I’ll be prepared for the next battle.

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On my way to the 9th day : ) only a couple of hours have left. Managed to overcome that depressive mood I was on 7th day of my journey. Interesting thing - 7th days happen to be quite struggling. Either urges, or bad days in general. Maybe my brain is searching for clues, that “this is such a useless and hopeless day” that you can do whatever makes you feel better. Ok, this is what that “thinking water” wants. But it’s not what I want and what I’m reaching for. So the main question - how to change the perception? How to separate brain with it’s chemical reactions and my true inner wisdom (or should I call it soul) in the moment of the “heat”? How to step aside and observe the situation and make a right decision? I guess I’ll find the answer. And it will be the end of this addiction. And all other impulsive behaviour.
Straighten up your shoulders, you’re doing good! Prepare for the next battle!

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Haven’t posted here for a while. Honestly, I got a bit lazy to write as I had quite intense few days on working and “mini travelling” :laughing: Anyways, I’m relaxed as I’m on the day 13th. And it’s almost finished. That means, I’ve reached two weeks, half a month. And so far hadn’t strong urges. And another thing to share, for myself and for others: it’s really good to go somewhere, to change the environment, to explore new places. It may be short journey, just for a day or a weekend, but it refreshes one’s mind and pushes out thoughts as you’re gathering new impressions and experiences. It just “switches the channel”. And what is more, had a really loooong walk, so my mood increased a lot (during walking the hormone of happiness is released)! So everything is good, I’m trying not to let my guard down! Straighten up your shoulders! Get ready for the next battle!

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Just started the 18th day of my(so far) successful journey. Yesterday was so dark evening. So dark emotionally. Full of helplessness and hopelessness. Those are two the most discouraging feelings for me. They spiral down and soon you start to think: nothing matters… everything is lost… what is the point… and other similar s***. And as you’re already that terrible/weak/ unworthy person, what is the point of reaching for more. That “more” isn’t for you. What’s next? You seek for an easy satisfaction to release that tension and misery…
Luckily, (or sadly) my emotions were far more darker and heavier so there wasn’t even desire to get any satisfaction… so I’ve reached day 18. And suddenly an idea hit me: what if we give too much credit to our addictions? Most of the time we think about it and make ourselves to feel hunger for it. When we stop thinking of it, we think, “oh, I haven’t been thinking about it for a while”, and start to think. We remember it. We don’t want to forget it. Just not now… maybe later…It feels like my addiction is a part of me. And important part. But it’s not. You’re separated parts. But you care about it so much, you just can’t let it go. Let it go. It doesn’t serve you! Straighten up your shoulders! Take out your weapons! Let’s get prepared for the next battle!

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Several hours ago my 22nd day has started. Quite often the 21st day happens to be “the break point” - temptations come, feel impatient and tensed. It often finishesme relapsing… and well, deep down I heard, more precise, felt that silent voice who wanted to ignite the urge. But I didn’t let that thing to sneak into my mind. Not for a second. I just didn’t take time for analysis of that voice. I ignored it, didn’t let it come. And I managed to reach the day 22. Still, I feel it is somewhere near. Somewhere around, hiding in the shadows. So, I need to stay awake. The enemy is near. And is waiting for the right moment… But straighten up your shoulders! Take out your weapons, prepare for the next battle!

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Don’t be afraid of that small voice. It has no power over us besides the power we give it. We are always in charge of our actions. Even if it yells and screams and begs for us to return to PMO, we don’t care. We are finished torturing ourselves for fake pleasure, and we’re happy to escape that dark addiction.

Keep going, you’re doing great.

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you dont have to relapse even if temptations come and you feel impatient and tensed…

dont let your gaurd down…
stay strong…:muscle:

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Finished the day 24 and began 25th day. Soon it’s going to be one month! I feel kind of less weight on my shoulders, the darkness around is getting more transparent, not that deep and thick. However, I know the other nearest break point is around day 30 or 31. It’s because partially I forget that terrible feeling I have after relapse. That guilt and shame. That feeling of failing. But I guess this diary is helping as I am reflecting on these insights out loud. It helps to remember and what is more, to be present and prepare for the possible attacks. Now I feel calm. I see this addiction in the other light. It tricked me once, during my most lonesome and insecure moments and I was trapped. I think, we just lie futher to ourselves that it isn’t that bad, it helps as to relax, but the truth is - it isn’t. And our brain just trick us again and again. But let’s be honest - our hearts know the truth. And the truth is - you don’t need this stuff! You’re boring and dull with this stuff because it isn’t you! The one who is TRUE YOU has unique dreams, unique talents, unique skills! These things will help to overcome this lie! Straighten up your shoulders! Prepare your weapons! You’re ready for the next battle! Yeah!

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Just began 30th day, maybe it’s to early to celebrate, but still - I’m really happy to be here! Did I learn something new during this time? I guess not really, all things till this day, all the difficulties and occasions have happened many times in the past. However, in this period of 30 days, I said those out loud. And - it helped! I didn’t feel like unprepared citizen who doesn’t know when the armyof enemies is going to attack. I kinda expected things to happen on particular day and in particular situation. And you know what - they didn’t happen! Might be I was prepared. Or might be I just didn’t feel alone anymore. Because of the community I found here :heart:!
So thank you all! Your presence is a gift for others, despite sometimes you even don’t know that! So, straighten up your shoulders! You’re ready for the next battle!

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It’s day 40. It’s not my highest achievement, but still - really significant. Lately I didn’t have too much motivation to write my diary - it takes some time, and I don’t feel like finding new insights about different mental or physical conditions that ignite my urges. I didn’t find out anything new or useful, just trying not to lose my attention and keep in mind, that I am really weak and nothing but God’s Grace keeps me above the water. Just preparing for the next battle.

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Brother, what’s your highest streak if you don’t mind telling me?

109 days, or a couple days more, can’t remember exactly. But it wasn’t less than 109 :smiley:
And, well, sister…

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Well, I guess, I’m in a state, that 300 days wouldn’t make me happier either! It’s not about counting days anymore, it’s like, “ok, one more day had passed…” I’m glad I’m not doing it for those 40 days, but something had changed in perception of this problem of mine, might be it’s just because of some kind of depression I have. Or maybe it’s something better. I hope, it’s because of the comunity and the fact, that there are people who can achieve 500 days and there is nothing magical! It’s not a sprint anymore, you know, “If I reach that line I will feel that way, or won’t feel this anymore”. Nothing will change at any line. It’s just a journey till the end of my days and I don’t think “oh, I will never do it again” anymore. I failed too many times. I haven’t done that for 40 days, but I’m not guaranteed of the next 2 or 5. I am weak, and realised this. I may fail and I realise this. I’m not running in a race anymore :slight_smile:

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Subconsciously we think that relapsing will gives us relief it will make the problems go away. But it’s just our illusion. We become stressful because of the addiction. The weakness you are feeling may be due to the last session.

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