The start of a new journey.
This year, I’ve really had my trials and errors. I’ve stumbled but have not fallen. Today I was scared. And my errors made me realize my issues.
I can only trust in God to help me.
I’m on my way home…
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Day 3
The past three days have been interesting. Lately I’ve been driving around, exploring areas for future purposes. Quite exciting.
I’ve had thoughts that I can’t seem to shake. But today, a brother of mine shared with me an audio which made me realize what I’m doing.
“Owner vs Victim” by Steve Chandler.
It’s incredible. All the things a victim does, was basically what I do. And yet I still try to shake it. As if I can’t figure out the last piece of the puzzle.
At least my mind can get distracted. So far no relapse.
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Day 7
I managed to beat 7 days. I really feel good about this. Usually it’s that first week which is the hardest. But I think I can do this.
I just need to catch up on reading some advice sent to me.
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Day 12
I woke up alright. But I made the mistake of going back to sleep. Unfortunately, I think that did something which caused a bit of semen leakage. I felt sticky throughout the morning and I had two classes to attend. Thankfully, it went well.
I thank the Lord for keeping me going.
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Life is quite complicated. Some days we think we know it, other times we are confused. It is most intriguing.
I’ve been reading a novel that summarized a lot. A man, wanting to pursue his dreams. He was poor, not much, and wanted to give his wife and son a better life. He did not want to end up like his father. Yet he was in that circumstance. He dreamt of going on the hot air balloon to fly up the sky. That to him, was freedom. His wife worried that he may leave the two of them. It was most heartbreaking. The man, managed to get the hot air balloon to work. He was up high. And then, he jumped.
A worker at the field said to the mans wife, “his eyes are still open, shall I close them or do you?”
His wife, still hearing the lines recited by her son. Seeing her husband, no longer there. He wanted to be free. To escape of his life.
The worker repeated: “do you want to close his eyes?”
Her response: “No, leave them open. He likes to look at the sky.”
While I did not provide full detail. This made me wonder what it is I’m doing. I’ve been trying so hard to be something, and yet I wonder what it is God would want me to do. This frustrating feeling leads me to relapses at times. And in stuck in the middle of two or more options. What is freedom?
Am I not already free? I am. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.
Yet this addiction has gotten me before. What now? I am still on this glorious creation, and while it is troublesome, I choose to continue. I wonder what life after death will be like. But shortening my time here, I cam already know, it is not freedom.
I will continue, and with God’s help. I can overcome this.
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Recovery is wonderful. But we can’t always be in it or else we get used to it. Failure. It’s just a set back. It shows you what you missed and what must change. Change can be good. Lately, I’ve wondered much about what my life is to become. I focused more on thinking differently. Life doesn’t work out the way I want, perhaps for a reason. After all, this life isn’t meant for me to be as high as God. For I am nothing. And I am happy to be so. But I was created with a purpose. That makes me something. And being something is more than enough. I’ve lived life in a manner of me wanting to make a name for myself, yet I never had got there because of temptations and traps. While the issues were troublesome, I realized perhaps there was a reason they were there. Maybe, this life isnt just for me. It’s for others too. For we are all One in Christ. Yet, I struggle. And I realized my struggle does not delay my success. It shows me the right path. I want to be something, yet be known as nothing. For I am nothing, but I am still something. I am a child of God. And that is more than enough.
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Your life is not for others. It is for you. Difficulties on your way are supposed to make you stronger. There’s no obstraction so hard, you can’t overcome it. They are all creating your personality. After succeeding you’ll be so strong, you will shine and people will se your greatness. You’ll inspire them to be better people. Don’t doubt, trust there’s a pupose in everything.
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Woohoo. Back on track. Yesterday I was working. I drove around Miami and ventured to very interesting areas. I’m always driving around expensive areas and every now and then I’ll see pricey cars. So many rich people in Miami, which one may think “that is so cool.” And some may even idolize that. But I’ve noticed that many people there are so self centered and inconsiderate. As I was driving back home, I noticed this poor man asking this “what seemed to look like a rich man” for some change. But the guy just looked at him and started laughing and I found it so disrespectful. It reminds me of the parable that Lord Jesus had told us.
There was a rich man, and a poor man. The rich man never helped the poor man. Eventually they both had passed away and had to face judgment. And now, the poor Lazarus is in paradise with riches, while the rich man is alone with nothing but torment.
At first, I really disliked that man. But I realize that man’s fate will not be good if he does not repent and receive Jesus. I pray I can have the courage to share with others and not be afraid. I’ve always thought, “once I get successful and make money I can help others” but I still have not made much money. And I realize maybe there is a reason for that. Had I not had the hardships I had, perhaps I may have been successful to the world, but I’d be poor in my heart. As it is written:
Friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God
I still don’t know if I’m making the right choices. What is considered success on earth without being a part of the world. It is something I must think about…
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This was deep. 
Keep fighting brother!
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I’ve learned a lot these past days. Things have slowly started to get better. Sometimes it makes me think of the past, worried that after such wonderful things, something wrong will come back. But I’ve learned to trust in my Lord Jesus.
Each day, I’ve started to feel more as an adult.
I can’t say I have regrets. Because, had I not had any failure. Perhaps I would not be who I am now. And I’m proud of myself. I love myself and more importantly I love God. For He is my true love. And I am happy now.
Relapse does not seem much of a challenge to me anymore. It’s more of just some unnecessary option. Just as one chooses to eat some dessert out of their own choosing. While I do neither. I know it’s still there. But this time, it doesn’t rule over me. I’m getting better everyday.
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I learned that I know not what tomorrow will bring.
I was so prepared to get through Saturday as it is the day the enemy likes to really attack me on. I managed to do well that day, very well. It’s almost as if he wasn’t trying to tempt me on Saturday. I managed to get through the day, super excited. Only to let my guard down. I started dwelling on the past and the mistakes the little kid version of me did, and obsessing over things I shouldn’t have. Perhaps, I’m being too hard on myself.
I let my guard down due to stressful thoughts. All of the sudden a desire came and soon the dopamine was getting pumped. I lost focus of reality and could not realize the greater day tomorrow would bring because I was focused on solving my problem then. But it didn’t get solved.
Instead, I relapsed and felt the after effects.
What stressed me out, is something I’m not sure of. I did some errors as a little kid, not understanding much. And well, I wanted to fix that past but doing so could perhaps make things worse. I’m not sure. But whatever the reason may be. I know God forgives me, and I’m getting better.
I can’t tell why I obsess so much over things I can’t control. It drags me down. And I just hope I can get back up soon. I went out today. Try to overcome some fears. Hopefully tomorrow i can pull through and do good.
I like to do good.
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Remember a relapse doesn’t make you a failure. It means you have lost the battle but not the war. We aren’t perfect creatures so don’t run yourself through the mud mentality
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Carrying on. Progress is progress. I am currently driving around (no, not while I’m typing) and enjoying the scenery. Life has its ways of really being interesting. I realize that the more I am away from reading the Bible, the more stress my mind feels. I want to get away. But I must trust in Him, who provides for me. He gives and takes away.
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So tired…
Each and everyday, constant struggles continue. The option to quit seems to be the easiest. But I don’t. Because it’s all just a lie. The enemy is very deceiving and I know all this evil will soon end. The Lord is coming. But I must stay strong.
I want to do good, hoping life will get better and easier. But I realize it won’t. Because it’s not meant to be. The times are coming where great trials will come on those who are of the Way. And we must be prepared. Perhaps all this pain and struggle is preparing us for the ultimate test that is to come. I pray each day that I may be strong so I will overcome these tests. I continue to trust in God. That I may do His will, not my own.
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Life won’t always be easy but life is worth it, even when it doesn’t seem that way
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Relapsing is not making life easier. It makes life harder.
Find some time for the God. Few times a day, everyday at the same time. Take beautiful, shiny armor from Him. Listen to His orders and fight like a man.
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I managed to pass the most challenging part of the journey, or at least that I heard of. I felt my testosterone peak through days 6-7 which was crazy. I managed to get by days 1 - 5 easily. Since I had spring break, I managed to keep myself occupied by working. Everyday I came home super tired that even urges did not come to me. Unfortunately, being so tired, I slacked off on my studies a bit. I have a math test tomorrow, so God willing, I will be able to study today. Since I’m not working today, I worry about urges, since tomorrow will be stressful.
Just like day 6. I didn’t work, and so at night, urges really kicked in. My mind went a bit idle. I had some semen leakage yesterday and this morning which usually is a major reason for my relapse. But I carried on, and managed to overcome temptation. I pray to continue to make my Lord Jesus proud.
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Why thinking about urges when you need to study hard? Get a coffee, or two, or even three and pass this exam. First week of streak is behind you. Now You have the power to study and later to build new yourself.
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I think it’s due to day 7 when the testosterone is at it’s highest. Due to that, it’s super easy for the “feeling” to occur which causes things to become harder. In days 2 - 3 I could think about something and it would take a long time for an secretion. But on day 7, all it takes is one thought to trigger the flood of dopamine. It’s strange.
But I have not relapsed! I hope you are doing well brother.
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Today was wasted. I usually never go to work on tuesday when I have school, but I decided to do so. Well, guess what?
I got into a car accident. Honestly, I can’t seem to escape my circumstances. This is just painful. And I want to end it all. Life feels so against me.
I am so angry yet I don’t know how to express it.
These feelings inside of me stay there.
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