Yitzchak's Archive ||13

Life is an interesting wonder. Each day we expect a happy ending to come. But so far, we wonder if it ever will. But it will.
It’s been years struggling and trying to overcome something so mild. And yet, it feels like life or death for us. Because it is. Each day we choose to give up is a day we lost and another step closer to our end. So much has been ruined because of this horrible addiction. People I’ve loved have passed, some have moved on, I’ve wasted precious years, and I feel as if im at day 1. And yet I’ve still relapsed. It felt so enjoyable. When I wasn’t doing it. But when i did, i hated every second. Why is it so powerful?
Is it powerful?
That’s up to us to decide. Urges and urges. It’s so strong, but we are stronger. We make the decisions. Why is it so hard to just not masturbate?
It’s not like we are being forced to hide ourselves and touch ourselves. If we were in the middle of a massive crowd, would we do the same thing we do in secret?
I do things to get better, but once I’m getting better I want to get better but not try anymore. It’s almost as if all the dreaded feelings of a relapse vanish. As if I didn’t remember how bad I was.
I am making this as a reminder, that each and everyday is day 1. It’s a new day to do good.
Time for some change.

Day 1
Managing to achieve day 1 was a bit tougher the first two times. It was as if I was stuck in chaser effect. Then again, I was disappointed I failed in a 13 day streak. There is this fear that is trying to prevent me from doing certain things. I don’t mean NoFap. But I mean things in general.
I wonder what it wants. Anyway, I managed to finish another day.
I’ve been continually reading EasyPeasy hoping to finish without relapsing. I started reading much on how to be a man. Honestly, when I first started doing fap. I was a beta male. And I “enjoyed” it. I was so caught up in the pleasure and letting the days go by. Now that I’m out. Regrets seem to bombard me. Had I not done any of my errors… I wonder where I would be right now.
But at least I’m starting to be better today. Not after another 5 years of regret.
God is with me. And I have to trust in Him.

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