Why started masturbation

So basically this thing is about how i started masturbation
My grandmother is very first reason why i started masturbation and i will tell you why
So my grandmother is an old fashioned women so she use to check her clothes in front of us i use to see her half naked and this all started 4 years back
So i use to sleep next to my grandmother so at night when every body was sleeping i use to touch and press my grandmother boobs and night and sometimes try to touch her vagina and sometimes i use to get caught up but she didn’t tell anyone and even yeel at me i use to do this every time for complete 2 years and i use to masturbate daily 3 to 4 while sleeping and sometimes when i use to stay alone with my grandmother i use to madturbate in front of her hiding my penis and sometimes i had a thought of having sex with my grandmother making her convince for sex but i never did that because i knew it was wrong to do such things with your family member and the things is if a male see a naked women it literally hard to control your urges

As i grow up i knew i was wrong and what i had done
So i am really sorry for whatever haapen i am extremely sad about my past and i can’t forget it ever in my upcoming future

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I am different.

!!!(WARNING TRIGGERING CONTENT, AS I MYSELF GET TRIGGERED IMAGINING THIS)!!!

I already have antics of supergenius and super weird mental since born. And thus I was weird in people’s eyes.
No clear motivation. And antics. Two main reasons why I became obsessed in touching myself.
It all started at the age of 11. First of all I feel great seeing my own body and , and then I feel even higher seeing women in bikinis in calendar. OOoOooooOooo… those cuties in cute bikinis… WELL THAT’S HOW I SCREWED UP MYSELF AND CONSUME MYSELF IN INSANITY.
2-5 TIMES A DAY OF PLEASURING MYSELF.
SIDE EFFECTS :
1)LOSING LOVE AND ENTHUSIASM FROM WOMEN… I CAN SEE IT WHEN ONE OF MY GIRL CLASSMATE IN HIGH SCHOOL STARTED TO DISTANCE HERSELF FROM ME…
2)FEELING NOT MANLY : WORST FEELING EVER FOR YEARS, PLUS BULLIES, IT REALLY CRUSHED DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM.
3)FEELING MORE IMMENSE HATRED, FEAR, ANGER, HEADACHE, AND DESENSITIZATIONS TO SEVERAL THINGS.
4)BRAIN FOG, USELESS OVERTHINKING, FEELING THAT I’M TOO SLOW, FEELING MORE LETHARGIC, FEELING WEAK AND DRAINED
5)CHANGED PERCEPTION EVERYTIME SEEING CUTE AND AMAZING GIRLS
6)FEELING LESS INTELLIGENT AND MORE STUPIDITY AND REGRET

So pitiful, isn’t it?

AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WANT TO DO NOFAP… I WANT TO SUCCEED THIS TIME… AFTER 500+ RELAPSES FOR PAST 1,75 YEARS… I WANT TO PROVE MYSELF, GOD, AND EVERYONE THAT I CAN BE A CIVILIZED HUMAN TOO WHO IS NOT A JERK, NOT AN NEGATIVELY ANTIC, AUTISTIC INSANE ANIMAL, AND NOT A MENTALLY ILL DUMBA** MR. BEAN WHO CAN’T ACT FREAKIN CIVILIZED IN FRONT OF SOCIETY

Sorry for capitals… I just get mad towards myself…

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I can’t depict how much I am very angry and mad towards myself for failing myself… falling due to my negatively insane antics… I AM SANE AND I AM INTELLIGENT AND CIVILIZED AND I DON’T WANT TO BE REFERRED TO AS INSANE, WEIRD, AND AUTISTIC ANYMORE… I DON’T WANT TO BE INTIMIDATED, HAVING PARENTS THROWING OUT ULTIMATUMS TO DISOWN ME TO A DARK DORMITORY FOR AUTISTIC, MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE…
I AM HEALED AND I WANT A NEW LIFE!!!

I am worthy of amazing life… I’m sure… God didn’t create me for vanity…

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Oh boy I also used to do most of that with my Milf granny. I still fap sometimes watching her breast naked or cleavage in bra while she’s bathing. Still ogle at her. I know its all wrong to imagine fucking your grandma. But now I don’t try to touch her tits cuz I don’t sleep with her anymore. Guilty as Charged.

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