Day 1
Good morning
*Last night I was painting my car trunk to cover the primer after sanding. I stayed up till 1 a.m. or till 2 a.m. actually so that I can get that paint done. It technically is done but I need another coat and need to wait until at least 24 hours for the paint to cure fully. I can do another coat another time when free. Just let cure. I called off work because I canât take my car to work while the paint cures. A normal person will bike there if they have to but since my SA doesnât let me, not sure what else to do. *
Since I am free today. I want to catch up on other things.
Like:
writing in my diary
Finish posting las Vegas content so I can save space on computer
Reading OCD book
Meditation
**Will update once 5 p.m. arrives.
Day 0
I relapsed. I was still thinking by the flesh and not of the spiritual fruits of God. Thinking how i can relax myself from all the stress life throws at me. Such as thinking about going back to school, stress of working 9 to 5, FOMO(fear of missing out syndrome), solitude with no goal in mind or feeling foggy minded from lack of sleep from insomnia, stressing over my appearance as well like my hair and stuff, stressing over money. All the stresses in comparison to watching korn with fetishes you like in a world with no limits to the amount of content you watch and can watch till morning and night but will never feel truly satisfied. Even a sweetened bread is better for your temporary fleshly satisfaction than the depraved demonic energy of Lust who see seeks to entice men so that she enslaves you, your flesh. She promises good feelings, satisfaction of a lifetime, a supply of woman you can see, different fetishes to feed your lustful curiosity, she promises you wonât ever be without any information about sexual fantasies, she promises you wont be depressed no more and feel happy, she promises after all the korn you watch you can get a real prostitute or one night stand to get laid with, she promises you will know how to satisfy them, she promises all these good delicious feelings to our flesh. But while she says all this, our very own flesh is fleeting away and so is that woman named lust. A beautiful woman with lovely scents for seduction, a harlot, master at her craft. All her ways go down to the pit of hell and so is her kingdom and those that follow after her are also like sheep going to the slaughter. Follower of death is her real name. Satisfaction of the flesh doesnt last forever. She follows the father of lies satan. Jesus said flee from youthful lust, for as long as you are of physical form you will be tempted. So our spiritual growth is important to use as a defensive shield and our discipline feeds on the ways of good spirit growth not flesh. The mind controls the flesh after all, not the other way around unless you let it.
Start to question what is the point, existential crisis, doubt faith, depression, lack motivation
Lack discipline
Feeling lazy
Being addicted to phone use as that is the only form of stimulation to revitalize your sleeping spirit
Memory is bad and speaking becomes higher toned and hard of hearing to others
Anxiety becomes more apparent and starts to affect you way more than if you were in NO PMO
Procrastination doesnât seem to bother you anymore because what is the point.(nihlism)
More depressive thoughts when things donât go as it seems
False promising to yourself to make you feel worthful in the world atleast with promises to yourself even though you never do them (false self esteem)
Lack sleeping because your mind is used to alot of stimulations and when it doesnât get it, your mind will make all sorts of excuses like:
*Use phone more to give you more stimulation
*watch TV at night for a while(but in reality you end of watching till 3 to 4 a.m.)
Other affects:
feeling messed up next morning and saying to yourself again âi will stop watching TV at night.â
more false promises and do it all again.
Losing hair more, more wrinkles, eye bags.
people can tell your tired even though your body is active. Your face shows the detriment of lacking discipline so you do exercise as an excuse to yourself to stay the way you are(coping)
More likely to stutter more
More sensitive to negative comments made to you
The after affects of korn is horrible. It builds false sense of reality and false self esteem if that is even a thing.
To ask when you want or about to relapse:
Thanks @Believer for this. Who made me do this? What happened to me? When will this ever end? Where will I be in 50 plus years? How can I break this habit?
Day 13
Today i feel a little more energized. I ate a healthy meal this morning. Woke up late around 10a.m. because i was scrolling on my phone watching politics last night and tried to get myself to sleep by watching asmr videos that makes you fall asleep.
Anyways, i feel more better after eating oatmeal with pumpkin spice, a side of bread with avocado and a side of a bannana. Simple meal, no eggs.
After went to the backyard and embraced the sun that was still in the sky since its a bit cloudy now and a little cold.
I had a few lustful thoughts while showering today but i ignored them. No urges.
I want to practice drawing before i work and some reading.
I relapsed last night due to my lack of discipline. Discipline gets you everywhere. When you sleep or wake up. Etc⌠which is routine based like brushing teeth. It was my lack of discipline and routine that made me procrastinate in my sleeping schedule by watching drama online whats happening with the whole politics and other youtube content at night that i felt the urges arrive so strongly just then.Then my body felt alive in a lustful way even though i needed to prepare for sleep. I relapsed till midnightish. And had a bad waking time and felt sluggish. My mind woke up from the curiosity of lust while breaking routine on being on the media at night.
Doesnt matter if the world is falling, if you break discipline, you break yourself. You could have long streak but if discipine you fail then you wont get far.
Day 0
Starting a new. This time i plan to stick to my discipine. It will be hard but i must go on!
I had a good streak so far because i was able to discipline myself from watching TV in the middle of the week or everyday. Now i am just preparing tasks to do in my day. But still. Now i need to discipine phone use and that will be the other challenge. Lets go!
I am having bannana and carrot and beets blend for breakfast.
Day 4
I am a little sick today. Should i say, i am sick. My sister and her kids are sick so most likely i was sick because of them.
I make some bread today even while sick, drank masala tea in afternoon. Ate good chicken soup as well. I then rested few hours, now its 10 p.m. need to get up to drink healthy herbs and some food.
Few days ago, i had some urges since i slept late couple days ago, i didnât let it get to me. I focused on my why and reason for keep going. I cut my own hair 3 days back, i really concentrated at it for 6 hours. Lol
But i need to sleep more if i want to recover no matter what.
Day 0
I have fallen due to the ways of my modern mind. I have pretended to be alright, but in reality have only tried to suppress my darkness. That is pretending to be happy and fulfilled. Eventually the truth will come out. You canât pretend to be fulfilled or canât suppress darkness. You can only create more good to deny darkness and slowly it goes away.
I relapsed also because i saw this sexual anime with animals in it that had a human form appearance and it had some physical scenes in it. I became curious about animal korn and i relapsed to a good number of them. I canât believe i relapsed to animal korn, i didnât feel anything after the act neither when in the act. I just felt hot and korny and lack of self control. I later watched other korn stuff. I felt a deep sense of depression afterwards but i couldnât quite understand it. I just felt very dull and without emotion. Very tired but i already knew that because its the norm for me to feel tired and depressed. Not being able to sleep due to distractions or overthinking has always been my problem. Those combinations donât help. The next day i relapsed again but i had a thought to see my ex gfs accountâs another time for some weird reason. I ended up seeing my past GF and when i did. I was surprised! Jean that is, She already has a child with another man. I didnt know whether i should feel angry, sad, pain, regret, or something else. I just felt like there was something inside Me in that moment, like some deep desire for changing my life. I didnt even realize i still had her posts saved to my account, how ridiculous right? I felt pathetic. I deleted all the saved posts from her and likes and even comments so that i dont see her again or think of her. I am just happy she is happy. Im glad everyone has moved on. I felt sad after it all and relapsed to her posts. The misery i felt from that was something i cant explain. Later in the day after a good rest, i did some workout and did 170 pushups and 100 sit-ups. Something told me to embrace my desire to improve, to embrace my warrior side, to deny my past self, to focus not on circumstances or flaws i have now but focus on solutions and my vision, to not be ashamed of falling because you are a new person now. I became so amazed in this revelation to myself and my darkness was there simply because i never learned how to love my own self truly and care for myself to even care. I focused my attention so much outwardly and is why i fell. When i should have payed more attention to my own self, to my own vision for myself for who am i? What do i want to become? What skills have i already acquired? EtcâŚ
Your body is a temple, a vessel, it follows who gives it instruction. Your mind shall give it orders. Deny your old self, old habits, become a different person!
Day 1
I woke up earlier than usual today around 8:15 a.m. though i feel kind of tired since i slept around 2 a.m. trying to fall asleep. I still managed to stay awake because i have this deep desire to truly change. Something told me that day that i relapsed that i need to trust the process of discipline. You wont get immediate results thats why.
Fuck this. I dont care anymore.
I dont need social media, friends, anyone.
In the end they all flee away. All is for boosting. Is that how i wish to live my life? Just show off to others? Man what have i become. Miserable shit.
Just embrace the moment and who cares what others think. Lifes short. All this korn can go to hell and back to where it came from. Burn you hear me?? I dont need this shit and for those who support such korn industry to manipulate the minds of man, well i want to say that they can also go wherever they came from.
I have nobody, only myself. I dont care what happens to me but i will quit this shit.
New years 2025:
New diary 365 days streak. Fast from social media, fast from sleeping late, fast from TV use, fast from overthinking, resting in between the day, exercise like your life depends on it and improve conversation talks like you are your own character, travel anywhere you want because who cares. Look at this punk going around on his own? So, who cares. Let them look, do people control where you go now? Fuck that.
Day 0
I didnât leave 2024 without a fight even if i relapsed. I made the small adjustment to my discipline and routine that i havent made before.
Example:
Brushing and flossing teeth everyday(was hard at first, but once i saw the consequences of not. It helped me keep the routine. )
Not looking phone first thing in morning (still trying to do this, but i achieved it before. I just need to stop thinking of so many things first thing in the morning and eat breakfast and start my day to wake up first without technology.)
But now i am aware of what i must do everyday.
I woke up at 10 a.m. today. I went to this hiking spot in waterford with my niece and nephew, it was a good day. The kids are kind of annoying though but i had a good time. We had a bit of some exercise in the end because they kids were active. I bought them a taco and me and burger.
Actually it was fast food that made be relapse recently but it was at night and couldnt sleep because of the activity fast food gives your body. It was day time today when i ate fast food so its okay. Once i got home, i just rested because last night i didnt sleep alot because i watched squid game and binged lol. That is why i want to TV fast for a bit as well.
Record track: 1/365 days
Day 1
Happy new years 2025! Finally made it.
Today i plan to do some exercise after a good festive time we had on celebrating the new years and holidays. Eat well first thing. I will also fast from stimulants like TV for a bit and my phone for a bit to be in stillness and become more spiritual.
2/365
Day 2
As i said i slept late last night so after eating my breakfast i will rest for a bit to regain energy. I will work later at my retail job around 6 p.m. till 10 p.m. after work, i will eat oatmeal and this tea drink that helps with insomnia so i can fall asleep faster.
Numi sleep Slumber. It says it helps with sleeping faster. So i will try it. It has Valerian root, passion flower, and hop flower, chamomile and lavender. It says also organically made. I got it on Christmas day
I relapsed yesterday. I know i said i was going to fast from TV watching but when i said that, i meant not on weekdays and only saturdays and sundays. But unfortunately TV can get addicting because something called
âdopamine.â when we have low dopamine because we have only gotten this feel good feeling from korn then we get numb from other activities and it wont be high like korn or TV would or even how the stimulation of social media. So until i get a good dopamine, TV watching wonât be done in my room but in the living room with my family. In that way, TV watching is controllled. Besides my family will watch their own content or even have family TV time. So for now, no TV watch in room
Today i woke late because i was watching this anime show filled with drama last night and it got addicting Watching it. Watched from 11 p.m. till.2 a.m. crazy. Its been like a habit even if i dont watch TV. Like if i am in social media scrolling, time will pass eventually and it will be midnight soon.
So today i plan to do exercise like cardio and eat wellâŚget some sunshine this late morning. Do meditation as well and explore different ways to meditate.
Things to keep in mind so relapse doesnât happen:
Fast from TV in own room especially if TV is a high dopamine than other activities in life.
Limit social media content watching
(After 12 a.m. no social media,TV, phone use, electronics)
0/365 days
Day 0
I relapsed alot during couple days. I couldnât stop myself. I even went to church on sunday with my sister and while i was tempted by the korn stuff, i still had the urgency of seeking God and his peacefulness but the temptations were too much. This happened even after i took TV away from my room. I only had my phone but i didnât have blockers on phone.
I relapsed to live woman chats(which i tend not to go on often but i felt i needed more stimulation), korn content, and hentai. I felt so drained after all of that, slept around 3 a.m. i believe. I had access to korn also on my laptop which i thought was not accessible, that made me more horny unfortunately. I relapsed not on phone but on laptop. I already had a conviction before relapsing because i had a dream that sunday before the relapse that i was prayed upon by a church gathering in some hospital. Creepy stuff. But after that relapse i didnt feel confident anymore about using social media even moderately or being on my phone. So i dedicated after i relapsed to block sites on my laptop again using same hostfile method on my laptop with more websites and even blocking google and search engines from my laptop and only having youtube and other media except the korn sites.
(Only on laptop but phone i will still be able to use google. )
The other only blocker would be family.adguard DNS for android but it tends to block even videos that are motivational in YouTube so thats why i dont have it anymore. Instead i use âkeep me outâ app and its more efficient to block times i use my phone along with âscreen zen,â which blocks the amount of time you use an app on phone. These seem to be pretty efficient if you dont just have a korn addiction but also a phone addiction. Because korn tends to F our dopamine receptors, our brain will look for other lazy ways to get dopamine unfortunately like TV addiction, eating addiction, gambling, etc⌠(negative vices)Thats the truth because they are easier to get into, its hard to stay fit and disciplined however. If we get this same receptors in other positive areas of life, then things will change.
