Vortexkicker - the daily journal

April 11th

Today is extremely stressful.

Took the day off of work to be with my parents as my Dad was in the hospital twice yesterday into today.

He keeps bleeding internally.

When I get stressed, I run away from it.

I have not yet learned how to face my problems.

I fear i never will.

My relapse today is causing anxiety and adding to my stress.

Just typing here helps a bit.


feelings come, feelings go. No need to worry.

wish your dad all the best.


April 12

Had an ok day at work.

Stomach feels odd.

Feeling empty in my soul.


April 13th

The urges are starting to build.

I have this problem every cycle.

I must beat the cycle and win.

I must free myself from this addiction.


You are strong, you want to be free, you can be free :muscle:


April 13th end of day

Today at work was crazy busy.

I did more things than my job description.

At the end of the day, i had 2 employees tell me how greatful they are that I’m there.

They told me compared to the last 2 people who do what I do, I’m the best.

They told me how much they appreciate my work.


April 15th

Woke up with morning wood and relapsed.

My streak was 3 days

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Don’t give up, start again tomorrow💪

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April 16th

This is my Day 1.

My head felt very ichy this morning and is slightly better now after my shower.

Maybe i need a new shampoo.

I had an urge before my shower and got past it.

I feel just ok right. I hope i will be stronger when my next urge comes.


April 16th end of day

My day was filled with urges. I had at least 4 of them today.

Somehow i have made it through today with some peeking though.

Its all new territory now.

I will keep the updates coming.

Plus my job is changing to just 1 store as I currently work in 2 locations.


I peeked more just now and relapsed.

I need a new routine to avoid peeking.


April 17th

Today is relapsed in the morning.

My streak is 12 hours.

My job is changing and I will be losing 100 dollars a paycheck.

I get to meet the woman taking over my 1st store tomorrow and find out why she never works alone.


April 18th

Im feeling sad inside.

The people I work with in my 1 st store learned that I am leaving for my 2nd store permanently.

This makes me feel sad.

And sadness leads to relapse.


Hey, it seems like everything is pretty hard in general for you right now. If you ever feel like you just need to talk to someone I am willing to listen. (If you’d want to private message or something, I check here almost everyday, so I should see it) Just want you to know I am here if you need it!

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Chopped a tree this morning and relapsed.

Had so much testosterone in my that this

Became this…

The end result won’t upload

But basically all the snow is gone and the tree is moved


April 21st

Another relapse. Only 1 day 16 hours.

I feel like im going backwards.

Relapsed 3 times this week.


April 24th

Another relapse because of Kes.

Why do i keep her picture?

Why do i keep texting with her on Google chat app where you can’t block anyone?

She is emotionally depriving.


April 24th 8 32 am

I want to give up now.

I have heen in this addiction for two years and have been trying to leave it for a year and a half.

I keep posting the same thing.

I gi 2 days and relapse.

It never changes. I am unable. God has completed forsaken me.


I am addicted to this shit for more than 3 years and also my 2nd highest streak is only 7-8 days.
Why you want to give up ?? … Does giving up make you feel better or you’ll start living happily with this addiction ?? …Answer is No …then why are you giving up…:x:
Mate Keep Going… You can do it…I know you are tired and frustrated but That’s how life goes💫.
I can also give up easily even I have so much problems in my life like DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, HAIRLOSS,BREAK UP ,INSOMNIA (I m unable to sleep from last 1-2 months. I m only getting 3-4 hours of sleep even after laying for more than 12-13 hours a day).
Life is tough, very tough but Only You can change it. No one will ever come to change your life. Keep Going :heart::dizzy:


What are your triggers? What have been the circumstances when you relapse? Whoever Kes is, I would say get rid of the picture :x::framed_picture:. And, as a book I once read said (paraphrased), if a friend’s negatives :heavy_minus_sign: outweigh their positives :heavy_plus_sign: in your life you should let them go. I am not sure what she is to you but it sounds like it might not be the best. Of course I don’t know everything about your relationship with this person or all of the things going on in your life, but try to see what is causing your relapses and put some thought into this person if they are causing you problems. Don’t give up. Keep going! I know you have been trying for a long time, but don’t give up now. As was said ^ what use would it be to you to give up? You are not forsaken. The second you start thinking like that: :chart_with_downwards_trend:. Boom. Not that you are not having troubles now, but there is never use in giving up. Just keep going! We are cheering for you! :clap: