VD's struggle diary [41 M]

I’m in my early 40s and PMO has always been a part of my life. Like everyone else here, I was finally desperate enough to make a change. I thought for sure my life would get better… that somehow life would reward me for getting over an addiction.

I’ve given myself 90 days…I promised myself that I could be strong for 90 days and see if life has anything left for me. It’s been 30+ years and I doubt I’ve ever even made 30 days.

I am starting to realize that at least lately…my addiction has been my way of coping with feelings of emptiness and loneliness I have in my life. I’m scared that instead of finding a new me after these 90 days… I’m just going to realize that the life I thought I was saving…well, maybe it’s just a lost cause at this point. Maybe the damage has been done…and 30 years of a habit is just too much… that it has defined not only who the person I am today, but will forever define any attempts to change the person I am. Like a curse.

I’ve struggled with chronic depression my entire life and I was suicidal a few years ago. I got help from friends and family and things started to look up. But chronic depression never goes away… It just goes to sleep. It’s tiresome knowing this type of opponent is always there, waiting. I know it’s unrealistic to think that God is going to take pity on me and reward me for taking such a small, insignificant step so late in my life.

I am not deaf to the standard mantras for self loathing people like myself. Life is what you make of it make. Look on the bright side. Get more exercise. More sunshine. Surround yourself with people who have happier lives than myself. I’m not completely naive… I know I can’t sit around waiting for life to suddenly transform and be kind to me… But what good is an addiction free life if underneath, it’s just an empty, miserable one.

7 days down… I know if I give up before 90 days I’ll just continue to feel pathetic and helpless. If I one day just give up on life, I need to at least feel like I tried…that I did what I could but it just couldn’t be fixed.

I’m just venting… I’m exhausted. Sometimes I feel better just getting some of these feelings off my chest, even if only to myself. In the off chance someone feels like I do, I guess just know you aren’t alone. If you’re here then you at least you too are holding out for that small glimmer of hope. Let’s hope for our sake it exists, and that it isn’t too late for us.


You have suffered a lot 30 years of addiction is a lot… Everything will be alright, have faith in God.

Give this book a read ,it has really helped me in my nofap journey…


Hey brother @greatidea311 you have been through a lot. But understand, we all are in the same journey. Whatever happens you can share with us; we are all here to help and support you brother. It’s never too late. Most people achieve greater success in the older age of their life. Even the author of that book easy-peasy (its a life changing one- many people have saved themselves from this addiction with the help of that book) was 45 or something when he conquered this addiction. So there is hope, above all remember you are not alone. We all are here for you.
I also suggest you to read the book Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. That is a life changing one as well.
You are 41 now. Think like this, you may live till 85-90. Then you have more than half of your life left. Understand, how much things you can do in this time. Keep the hope, keep the faith. We are all together in this :handshake::handshake:


I am over 40 and I am on 49days streak in hard noPMO mode. I don’t even watch junk online content like social media, news, blogs, YouTube, Netflix.

I had this addiction more than 30 years.I tell you one thing - you are lucky you realized you have it and admit it. Millions of men don’t realize it.

I don’t wait for any reward from life. Getting rid of this addiction is another step to happiness.

I know very well what chronic depression is. Though the last time I had it was around 20 years ago. I got rid of depressions forever. But someone who is very dear to me is struggling with severe depression these days.

Depression can be cured, I know by my own experience.

My dear friend, May you have all the strength and determination to be FREE of this addiction and to be FREE of depression FOREVER!


Just want to say I’m sitting here crying… Just felt hopeless and alone, but hearing from others that there’s hope means a lot to me… So thanks…I mean it. I will take these suggestions and make sure to report back. I hope one day I can support others when they need it as well


Just past 11 days now. My mood has evened out which I think a big part is due to the support I’ve received here. I’ve been reading the book (https://easypeasymethod.org) and somewhere in chapter 4. It’s not quite clicking yet but I’ll keep on it. Not a major update just wanted to say I’m still on track and staying strong


Keep up on track my friend!

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I suppose this journal isn’t as eventful as I thought it might be. I think that’s a good thing. In a way it helps remind me that the addiction didn’t define me as much as I thought it did. I definitely feel like I have more time, and to look back at the last 40 days and know that I had none of those regretful days where I lost hours at a time helps me feel a little sense of accomplishment at least. Still struggling with other areas in my life but it’s easier to tackle those problems when you aren’t adding other problems into the mix. I’ve had moments of temptation but nothing major… I think it’s true that with age this can be easier. I have a lot of admiration for anyone younger working on this addiction. Hats off to you guys. Another 50 days to go until I hit the 90 day streak I’m aiming for. I may not comment a lot on this or other posts but everyone here who shares their struggles and successes are a huge inspiration. Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions!

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