UntilTheEnds Journal -Being weak is nothing to be ashamed of… Staying weak is !“

I’m thinking of starting a diary but i don’t know if it be interesting anyway (where were we)
I relapsed and it all started with a wet dream
I was so sensitive the whole day still am but i gave in to masturbation not porn
Im happy cus its a step in the right direction cus its always been PMO hand in hand u know

what i learned from this is
After a certain amount of days
as for me it was right after day 50 but after a certain amount of days the number dont really mean much as they did before. They start to become just numbers.

#2 you cant put your hopes in another person to not relapse. What i mean by this is- if you are going on nothing but fumes but your looking at another companion’s streak to not relapse the moment they relapse you might find yourself falling 2.

There are more things i noticed, but these is what i found more interesting. I dont really now what to do with this information though.

I started this diary with a relapse
I got Big Dreams
And a lot of love to give
Lets go on a hella of a ride together as long as you let me drive
you can take shotgun
@ChristianMan
@DarkViolin
@MasoomRaza
@SirTryHard
@NeverGiveup420
@prothekter_aden

Sorry guys i thought i could …
but I’m a prisoner …right now
Starting Today im and am not a hero …( i wanna be)
but i settle for being a friend, a brother, and a hand to help you guys up
were all in this together

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Hey!
i am sorry to hear baout your relpase -.-

actually i almost relapsed this night to… a mix of horny dream and mroning wood… i can relate to how that keeps one on edge for the start in the morning. luckily it was cold outside and i had the awareness to lift the blanket and let the cold calm me down…

i currently do not have any reliable solution for this issue… maybe a cold shower for the next time…

do you ahve any thoughts on how to prevent that typoe of relpase in the future?

bests and have a calm day doi your self sth good it is okay to fail you are in a good mindset for a fresh start!

we are with u.
bests!

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Diary is a very good step. It’s helps you self evaluate your day and identify future risks against which you can prepare a strategy in advance. It helps you become self aware.

I had been relapsing on and on these days but I still kept a diary. Now it’s day 2 today and I’m more than serious. Diary is a way for me to express myself and reach a more clear mindset.

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Write here everyday. It’s your own accountability partner. It will really help you. And I believe you can quit this PMO. You just need to try again and again and never give up. People have successfully quit this habit. Why can’t you and me?. Best of luck partner.

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6:49 pm
My mind is saying no
My body is saying go back and go all out
I decided these emotions im going to do something about so I went out and got this

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UvtUfq20WwZjZGHHIohmYCdAMoKVIzBN/view?usp=sharing

Please let me know if u guys can see the image at all

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I’m no pro fapstronaut

I’m even worse than you but I will tell you this,
You’re strong. And strong people don’t cry and whine and say sorry for something that happened in the past.
What’s happened has happened, you can’t change it.
If you’ve ever played chess you would know this
You can’t take back your move, but make the next one even better.
So just focus on your current life, not future not past. Just the present and only present.

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Your right i can’t be sorry for something I can’t no longer change. I accept it forgive myself over it and move on better and stronger

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I call shotgun! Step on the gas let’s gooo!!

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well i agree with @prothekter_aden point BUT:

i have to call you on that… strong people do exactly that… that has made them strong… the diffence between a weak and a strong person si that after a weak person felt all this they never want to feel that way again and either quit or distract themselves. the strong dry their tears write take down their comlains and chage the hing about them elves or their situation accordingly.

thisd is very important diffrence for me since of you go to people and say

you acqutally cut of the important part… you can only grow by feeling and understanding your weaknesses and as evryone who ahs ever really grwon out of a major chalange can attet->
there is a huge amount of pain and due to that also crying and whining
but past thaht there are new experineces and strenghts to built.

people who think they cn grwo without pain do not uderstand that the process of growing is process of change and therefore always comes with the pain of letting go of sth old.
and people who do not want to feel that pain can never really grow since our emotions demand to be felt in order to pass and make space for psotive emotions and relase oruselves form attatchements.

you i whole hartedly apreciate your sentiment but the context/subcontext you were sending along with it holds a major flaw…
people who think that way chooose a path that is more difficutl than it has to be.

i wish for you to enjoy this day and take the easy path :wink:

i hope i did not offend you in any way , it is jsut that i ahve done thsi mistake quite often and suffered from it very much , i do not wish these painful lessons on anyone so i tried to sensitize you to that.

best regards and ahve anice day

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DAY 1
I can’t stop thinking but do I have any regrets?
If I can go back in time; would I stop myself from ever finding Porn.
Me and porn when we first met we didn’t always have this toxic relationship.
At the start it was Bliss
Where did it all go wrong.
sadly that bliss is gone and no matter how many times, i had gone back it was never the same
But i cant go back because i refuse to give any more of my time to Porn and the rest of my life to porn

warning what im about to say might be very shocking and explicit
I saw a video of an 80 your old man watching porn while there were Workers in his home and they took a video of him smiling and making Jokes.

Other people might see this as nothing serious but…
Do you know what I saw; I saw a man who gave his youth and time to porn and even now he’s giving what little of his life he has Left.
My goal is to live life to the fullest i hope you see now and understand that i understand that with porn i cant complete that Goal therefore from now on i have to say no even though its painful and its fing painful

anyways here’s what I drew yesterday at day Zero it’s my first time drawing this (im sorry to disapoint) its not yet done but I Call it Hope

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T1PCiqK_O7bb_afAifSU_DDb1nyrN31u/view?usp=sharing
(if you can not see the image please let me know)

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Hey, I’m really in need of an accountability partner, please if you’re interested text me at 4134645454

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DAY 3

I had a wet dream without the wet and this time I feel violated
usually in the past when i had wet dreams i would be excited and try to take control of the dream and have my way.
But this time its different
Im leaving some parts out as it could be too long but
I met this girl in my dream
we were getting to know each other and then in the blink of an eye we were doing the deed
I was kinda confused cause we were talking about something
when the deed is done
im in a room with other people talking about what went down with me and that girl…
I was holding a pen in my hand and someone took it away from me. I was going to reach for it back but then i realized that in this world i don’t own anything… and in my mind a voice said that the very thing you do own was taken from you.
Bro wth is going on first my mind and my body wont listen to each other,now wet dreams are no longer the same.

TLDR ( Too long didn’t read)
I had sex in a dream and I feel violated
I feel like i was just a toy or some sort for the girl
There were no feelings there/ she had no feelings 4 me/ im not sure if i had feelings… but she…
This is ironic cause in the wet dreams i had in the past didn’t i treat the girls I met as objects to? :face_with_raised_eyebrow: :thinking:

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I believe that God talks to us through dreams and he’s telling you to take control of the situation. It could be trying to make a point like if a girl came along who was objectifying you and wanted to have sex, would you go along with it just because it’s sex? Your body is your own. You can control what it does and how it functions. It already sounds like your doing better at getting to understand it and prevent you from making mistakes. This is a good thing. Your slowly getting yourself in line with Christ.

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Day 3 and 1/2
Rant
I was supposed to get a call from a buddy yesterday to talk about a potential Business startup… He’s also a friend ( idk what he is at this point)
But the guy never called or texted wtf
anyway i decided that im going on a phone and social media Detox
long story short i use my phone a lot a lot
and i dont do much on it expect waste time
Matter of fact sometimes there are times when no one calls me no one texts me
It makes me wonder Why the Hell do I have a phone for.
I understand that I have a fear of loneliness
so i might as well embrace it
I use youtube a lot and some other apps going to delete them and see what happens.
if im being honest this rewire site even though there’s a lot of people here
yet at the same time its also lonely

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DAY 4
I’m tired
One of the things that bought me some form of so-called happiness though it wasn’t real was porn
it bought both temporary joy and Chaos.
you could say in a way it balanced out the things in my life
But now that I’m getting rid of Porn everything is all out of wack.
The truth is I don’t really have any friends
The friends i have all Known or assumed were Friends are all gone.
As for Chruch all the people i helped and Build something with as a youth pastor have all abandoned me.
Its a cold world especially if your a guy
you cant show weakness and your mental problems. Do you know what your told “Toughen Up you’re a Man”
So im going to do just that…
As a Christain, my dream is to be where Jesus is and the walk that I have with him will end in Heaven that’s my Goal. I will go through this Pain, I will Toughen up to get there and stand with him.
Porn isn’t aligned with that dream that Goal… This path im on…
Last But Not Least
Last but not least…
This post was going to be my last post and Goodbye on this site
But i meet too many people I care about on here
So I’m going to take a break from everything…
I deleted everything especially the app
I’m on the verge of just breaking down
I tried so hard to be strong 4 so long
strong 4 others
strong 4 my family
Damn
I don’t wanna be selfish i don’t want to ask others for help… I too dont want to be a burden everyone got there on life and they’re on shit there dealing with. Its better to be invisible. I just want to disappear… you ever opend up to a friend or a stranger and you could tell they don’t give a shit lol

Funny story no need to be alarmed but- I remember calling the suicide hotline one time just to see if anyone gave a shit… at the end of the day the person at the end is just doing there job

If God made me a well with water to give to other people… people who dont care about the well, people who don’t say thanks, people who pretend to be friends for more water than leave. If that’s my Life then so be it.
I’ll be here for a while then slowly disappear who knows i might be back Christmas
Btw don’t worry if i relapse ill download the app and it will reflect
Hope to see you guys again soon

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I’m honestly about to do the same. I’m getting kind of addicted here it’s not great… I’m sorry for all the stress you’re going through and please take all the time you need! I’ll be praying for you! No homo, but I love you man! Hang in there. I have no idea if you’ll even see this but still.

ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING

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@ChristianMan
Yo thanks for careing bro. Listan I’l be back on the sites again God willing Christmas. So hopefully I see you and every one here and than we see where we go from there. And your right about this site… its supposed to be a site to help people but yet its like some type of social media where people just scroll and read and don’t even take the time to comment or help someone. I’m only one dude I can’t be the only guy going down a list and just helping as many as a I can. I might as well make a youtube channel where I can reach thousands of people its more effective. Every day I find myself loging on to see if some one got an answer or a story or sometype of help to my promblem … any ways your right it is addictive. I’m taking a brake, coming back on Christmas and see what happans next
Aka 34 days from today

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