Today, I deleted around 150 contact numbers of all the women I met throughout my journey. Some I met online, some in real, some I hooked up with, some I did some errotic chats with, but all of them I have chased at some point of the time. I needed to do it because to move forward, I have to let go of the past. I remembered histories with some of them, both the good and the bad, and its pretty emotional.
A month ago, I had deleted most of the women in my social media, deleted all my social accounts dedicated to finding or chasing women, or chasing hookups, also that was one of the hardest thing I did.
I still have a lot of pictures I need to delete, I just cant find it in my heart to just do it. Pictures are with the ones I loved so, although its past, I still do care and those are memories that I made throughout my journey. But before I move on to the next phase of my life, which is job and marriage, I will find the courage to let go of those too.
You have to know guys, thats all I did for the past 9 years. Chasing woman after woman… I am good at flirting so, I do get whomever I want to be with… Sometimes I used to be so overwhelmed with the number of girls I am talking with, I used to let go of the ones that are least in my priority order. Sometimes when I am too much overwhelmed, I just stop things with everyone, like everyone and I restart chasing the new ones. If my life was a movie, all it would be is chasing women, porn, cigs and another addition, sex and romance… So, being how I am now, without any of those, feels different. Like a different person. Sometimes, I want to run backwards to being how I used to be, because thats my normal zone. But then, I am happier now, than before. Which motivates me to keep being the way I am now…
Hence, I needed to stop things with all the girls, spend a year or two by myself, be self sufficient, delete that last addiction that is PMO, study and get a job, then be ready for my future partner. By the time that happens, I want to give whole of me to her, I dont want to have any affiliation with my past. I want to be a changed person. Not the person thats after women. And I didn’t want my future partner to be just another of all the ones I have been with. She deserves better. I want to let go of each and everything of my past, accept it, and move on to a better future.
And that my friends, is what motivates me every single day to keep this nofap streak going. Because this nofap is the last and final hurdle I need to cross to be the person I want to be… No, 200 days is not going to be enough, not a 1000 days even. I will keep going, whatever it takes… (Except, when or if I get blueballs, its pretty hard to deal with the pain, or I will meet a doctor and sort it out)