Theronysis' Diary (Hard Mode)

I’m starting this on day 20 of my current streak, this will be my last streak because I’m never relapsing again. I’m 26 years old, turning 27 this summer. I’ve been very bad socially for a very long time, never until recently did I connect my anxieties to porn usage, which I started using at the age of 11. I don’t use social media, and until recently barely had any capability to initiate talk to strangers, or control my emotions under any stress for that matter. NoFap is truly an amazing thing, I’ve been at this for over a year now, with my longest streak being 68 days, and I’ve never been able to be so consistent at work, so sharp mentally, and able to brush off unimportant nuisances with ease.

The thing is though, something inside of me has had trouble letting go of porn, even though I know it doesn’t do me any good. So, 20 days ago, I relapse again. I barely made it 2 days that time and I was so mad. I was mad at myself for not having control, and for turning my back on the Lord with my behavior. I knew I needed help, anger is a powerful emotion, but it always dies away so I would need something stronger than it, a determination, and I had to take steps to prove to my deeper less conscious functions that this is serious. So, I downloaded BlockerX and found another community similar to this one but with the added feature of blocking porn content, and on that community someone shared a resource that I’ve found invaluable, easypeasymethod.org.

I read the whole book and truly think God put that in front of me to help me with some things I was thinking about in a self defeating way. Now, I decided to start keeping a journal here to keep myself accountable and focused on my goals. So, I’ll be posting updates here nightly. Maybe only every couple nights sometimes, depending on what I actually feel like writing about, I don’t want to monologue too much but I think it’ll help me stay focused on my goal for the time being.

God bless, have a good night.

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Day 22, yesterday I picked up some trash around my neighborhood for about an hour, I felt kind of embarrassed at first because people probably thought I had to do community service as a punishment of some sort but when I was done I felt extremely satisfied, looking down the road and knowing it was my doing that made it look decent, I will definitely be doing that again next week. Today I hit the gym and work, I’m pretty tired as I write this, I’m going to meditate and go to bed.

Stay on your grind comrades

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Day 0, I feel like a f***ing idiot. I did it again, even after saying I’d never do it again. Even after meaning it too, and all the while I was thinking to myself to put it down and turn the video off, and part of me really wanted to, but in the end I relapsed long before turning on that video. I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me to not be able to stop myself from doing that, all I had to do was go to bed, or hit the block me button on my phone, or read, or pray. But I did that and I’m right back where I start. I won’t EVER watch porn again. :rage: :rage: :cry:

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Day 1, feeling a bit better than yesterday, although I slept poorly last night. I’ve hit a plateau in my workouts so after today I’m just gonna do yoga and meditation for the next week. It’s cold out where I am, I like the cold. Yesterday at work my short term memory was very bad, today will be different.

End of day 1, yeah I’m right back at it! Picked up more trash around my block before heading to work today, and work went very well too. I am practicing actively rejecting thoughts of pmo, though tbh the first days are the easiest days… I will use this reprieve to create the habits that will help me withstand temptation!

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Day 2, Sunday is my favorite day of the week, I feel a relaxation in the air; A happiness infused into me as I breathe coming from the whole atmosphere. I think it’s because the general populous has worship and community on their mind more than other days of the week, but honestly I don’t know why it is, I just know that I like it. I hope ya’ll have a great day!

Day 3, woke up early today to get extra time in at school, the teacher wasn’t there and the substitute let me use a booth anyway which was great. Been having quite a few urges today already, I blame it on lack of sleep from getting up early. I’m gonna take a power nap, meditate, and cold shower to help wake up right now.

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Day 5, I think it’s from lack of exercise that I’m so darn depressed right now. I need to take a break though because for the past 2 weeks my progress has stagnated so, Saturday I’ll start up again. I’m seeing some family I haven’t seen since the lockdowns began today, which is exciting.

I’ve been thinking more about my relapse, and past relapses, I think they’re not so much failures when looking at the grand scheme of things. What I mean is, if I didn’t do nofap at all, I would be masturbating every night, for the past year and a half without exception basically (and all time before that until age 11, 15 years ago). I would feel awful and not know why, my emotions would always rule my decisions, my memory would be terrible, and I would blame it on the other drugs like weed and alcohol out of ignorance (though they probably played a part also). I’ve gone 5 days without masturbating, and before that was 22 days, and I view the act negatively for good reason now because I know it only harms my body and mind. I’m certainly not advocating ending a streak, but I don’t think I can really count the end of a streak as a failure, or an undoing of progress either. That part of my life will always be with me even if it fades out behind the smokescreen of endorphins triggered by relapse, it isn’t really failure as much as it is a trip-up, like if I’m walking down the road and I trip; I just have to pick myself up and get my balance back and keep going, I don’t have to, say, start over from the beginning and of the street and retrace my steps. Well, I do for my streak counter, but not for progress from exercise, or meditation, or studying and socializing, my skills that have come from being dedicated to myself and my newfound sobriety don’t disappear with my streak, and I have nofap to thank for starting me on this journey.

Here’s to another day of sobriety!

Day 6, I’ve been thinking about how I spend my free time every day. I wake up at 10:30am, turn on the PC, brew coffee, drink a glass of water, brush my teeth, load up games until noon when I eat breakfast, play more games until 1:30-2pm when I normally either work out or meditate, shower, start lunch, eat lunch between 3:15-3:45, got to work at 4, come home and read or play more video games. Most of this stuff is good but I need to seriously reduce the amount of time I play video games, and potentially wake up earlier. Here’s some quick math, if I spend 3 hours (this is a conservative estimate) playing games every day, that’s 21 hours a week, 84 hours a month, 1008 hours a year spent doing something that doesn’t translate to anything valuable outside of the bubble of the game. If I even allocated 1 of those hours to learning from the various sources available online, I could reap huge benefits in an area I focused my time into.

This is exactly what I’m going to do, play less video games and learn things that will help me be successful.

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My routine is the same as yours. We need to change and learn things that will help us be successfull, how you said.

I hope we leave this unproductivity!

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We sure can Bröther!

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