September 9 . 19:00 CET.
THE LAST FAP.
I know I have been saying this for a long time now. The chaser has got a hold on me.
My goals require me to stay at home for long hours during the day. So once I relapse, the chaser is hard to resist.
Of course, I am not complaining or making an excuse here.
Yes, I will flatline for sure.
I don’t want to be hard on myself. I know this is an addiction. I don’t want to cry now. Shout out. Or make big claims any more. I know I am weak.
I am trying not to beat myself up. And keep as calm as I can be. And forget about it. And yes I also broke the commitment to not waste time on social media.
Ok, let me see what has worked for me in the past.
A grave sense of urgency was definitely an important factor in the past. That helped me reach 145 days. I was running away from PMO. Whenever urges hit I would run outside and it would be fine. It worked. But I was resentful with myself. I was angry all the time and that affected my relationship with my friends and social skills as well.
Then I have had good streaks when I was not focussed on PMO at all and living life. Here again, I was probably outside more often than not.
But I have managed to stay at home most of the time and still have a good streak. This time the reason was again a sense of urgency and commitment. But I was held accountable by members of this group.
Also one really important thing is I was being a MAN in all these big streaks. I JUST MADE A DECISION and stuck with it LIKE A MAN.
In my last streak, I was being a needy man and was actually trying to get women. But I am over that phase as well now. I know I can talk to women if needed but I don’t need to.
Now it is just a matter of habit and NoFap is easy to be honest.
I need to
- Make a decision to not masturbate till December 2023, not use Youtube and social media and just stick with it. It’s simply not an option. And that would mean saying NO a million times during high urge days. But it’s not that hard. Saying NO is way easier than PEEKING or EDGING.
- I won’t be acting like a druggie now. I will instead try to remain with the urges and meditate on them rather than running away. That being said, I will exercise daily now.
- I make a commitment to you again. I won’t break it.
- I need to go outside once a day atleast even if just for a walk. It will make me feel fresher and real.
I am sorry. I know my words don’t mean anything anymore. I have broken my vow of celibacy many times now already.
I RENEW MY VOW OF CELIBACY.
I have been saying it is hard. It probably is. But it is EASY. yes a VOW OF CELIBACY is easy. I just need to be present and aware and I cannot make this mistake again.
I mean I am not learning anything from these mistakes anymore.
It is pretty simple stuff.
I just need to MAKE A DECISION and STICK WITH IT.
IT IS THE EASY THING TO DO.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I AM DEPLETED. I HAVE FAPPED SO MANY TIMES DURING THE PAST FEW DAYS.
IT IS MY FAULT. OR RATHER STUPIDITY.
These relapses are useless. I know there have been relapses where I learnt something. But here I didn’t.
Or probably I did. I am staying at home all day. I need to get out and meet more people. This is what I learnt.
And I need to be okay with the relapse. It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. I am a human. I make mistakes. But I love myself. Hey, I have had big streaks in the past. 145 days, 90 days, 75 days, and multiple 30-60 day streaks. I am already a champ. Yes, I have fallen and made a mistake AGAIN and a MILLION times. But it’s okay. How hard can I be on myself. I love myself just the way I am. It is important to have self love guys. We NOFAPPERS are too hard on ourselves.
I know the right ways of living but I am not following things well these days. But it’s okay. I know I am capable of greatness. And love. And I am gonna love myself even if I relapse. It’s not that big of a deal anyway. Maybe it is. But that does not mean I will not love myself. WE NEED TO LOVE OURSELVES UNCONDITIONALLY. BE in the moment and be full of love.
FAPPING IS A DESTRUCTIVE HABIT. BUT WHAT IS MORE DESTRUCTIVE IS SELF HATE AND PUTTING ONESELF DOWN WHEN RELAPSED.
This is also probably the reason for multiple relapses.
Because it causes self hate and bad feelings to emerge which you then try to cover using this fake pleasure.
It Is Ok to relapse.
Forget about it. Reset your counter and move on.
Anyway, today is 9th SEPTEMBER 2020.
10TH SEPTEMBER 2020 THE VOW OF CELIBACY BEGINS !!!
SEE YOU ON 1ST JANUARY 2024. GREATNESS IS COMING.
PEACE. Thanks for the love guys. I love myself. No matter what happens.