The Shivam's Dairy [16 M]

This is my new diary , I cleared my old diary. I want to forgot those relapses. After failing for more than 100 times , I am here.
I am on day 23 now. This is my highest streak ever of my lifetime. And this is the cleanest streak as well. Didn’t peeked or fantasized even for a second.
Instead of focusing on controlling urges too much , I have started engaging myself in other things.

I am feeling like I am free from PMO but I know that’s not the truth. I need to train my mind to avoid every sexual thought. I don’t want to go back to that PMO world again . It’s completely toxic. I am avoiding looking at girls in real life as well.
The thing which I learnt from my previous relapses is “Guard your eyes , That’s the key to stay in long run in the world full of sexual triggers.”
I won’t fail this time , Let’s do it.

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Remember, it will never let go of you as long as you feed it. It will sit on your back and suck away your energy like a parasite. The energy it has and uses comes from you. Remember how strong the urges were? That strength came from you. It would have gone to bettering your life but this “porn bug” took it and used it for itself. It takes away from its victims and all it gives back is a false sense of pleasure.

I used to think that love and marraige was what motivated people. It does… But there is more to it than that… There are three types of people. Volunteers, Prisoners, and Junkies. The Junkie is hooked by all his desires. He not only has a porn bug, but several others as well. And most of the time he doesn’t care about doing the wrong thing. The Prisoner barely gets by. He does his work in the last minute, he looks at porn but somehow manages to not fap. He survived and he is satisfied with this pathetic state of his. Then you have the volunteer who goes around with the mindset of “if it isn’t wrong ill do it” meaning he does his work early, even if he can afford to do it late and he takes coldshowers just because there’s nothing wrong with it. And it is because of this mindset that he finds it easy to do the right thing and help others. Some envy him, some hate him, and others love him, but at the end of the day both he and the people he helped are better off in the long run. Which one of the three are you? And which one do you want to be?

Losing is quitting, Living is fighting, and Winning is dying. Suicide is the cheat code…but it just ruins the game…

So just live and fight for whats right my friend.

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Day 23 :-
I am enjoying this journey now. Everyday , I am feeling better than previous day.
Today a mood swing happened with me . In afternoon I was having very high urges. Those videos which I have watched earlier were just going in my mind. Tackling those sexual thoughts is the hardest part. Somehow I managed to tackle them . Avoided fantasizing at best. And then , In evening I did my upper body workout. My current schedule is
Day 1 :- Lower body
Day 2 :- Upper body
Day 3 :- Rest
Repeat

It’s been 10 days since I am following this schedule. But today, I really pushed myself at my best. I did very better than previous one which really removed all the urges from my mind. I was feeling very happy after that. I am sure if I stay consistent, My weight will increase. I am really sick from everyone calling me skinny , It’s time to build up!

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I slipped again. I gave up on those urges, I could control it but I didn’t. I am back to 0. I felt like I lost everything I gained. I still can’t believe this . I was very confident this time. I will start again , that’s all I can do now .

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Bro you are UNSTOPPABLE…GET THE CROWN THAT YOU DESERVE…STAND AGAIN AND ROAR.

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Yeah even I am slipping after certain number of days. What led you to relapse?

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Urges…
Everything was going well , I was not fantasizing or peeking.
Suddenly, when I was on my bed at night, my mind started thinking back of those videos. Those urges in my mind were really strong. And It only took me 5-10 seconds to end my 23 days streak. All of this happened in literally just 5 minutes.

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Yes I can understand. Same things happens to me once my mind start thinking those moments it becomes difficult to stop. I guess some kind of trigger is necessary for us where as soon as those urge start to hit we should d something which will completly destroy those thoughts.

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Even when you are in that seemingly pathetic state on your bed you still have the ability to better yourself. Holding your breath helps you when dealing with these urges. Really hold it as if your underwater and your life depends on it. Because quite frankly it does. You could be sitting there for decades. Maybe its a different bed, a different ceiling, but its still the same gift with a different wrapping. What do I mean by gift? Well, every relapse is Gods way of telling you that you are doing something wrong. Making a mistake of somesort. Whether be it a mistake in perspective, behavior, thoughts, morals, etc.

Tell me… before you relapsed did you feel cocky? arrogant? Because thats what I felt when I was at 20 days… And that is why I relapsed.

Imagine if you had to kiss someone and pretend to enjoy it? That is the pain those actresses feel. And you and I both know that they do things far worse than kissing… Even if they think “its okay” subconsiously they know its not… every smile they make is a frown… every laugh they make is a cry. You can’t help them and neither can I. So the least you can do is stop yourself from mocking them. Every fap you make is a mock to their pain and to your own.

And remember this… urges always come for a reason… you could be playing video games exessivly, you could be putting things off unnessessarily. These are not the behaviors of a “volunteer”. And if you cant think of any mistakes off the top of your head then think deeper. You will find something. I just relapsed last night and I found my mistake. You just need to find yours and take appropriate action. Living is improving yourself. Surviving is conserving yourself.

By surviving you reached 20 days. But by Living you will go much further. There is no “cure” only abstainance.

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Urges come from two places.

Your mind and your body.

In order to strenthen your mind you must improve your moral sense and really start to think about “what is wrong with the making and usage of pornography” relapses always happen because of loose ends. Distract yourself only once you have examined all your flaws and have worked up a solution to fix them. It will be hard to face what you have done… many times I have denied my actions to myself. Many times I have justified my actions to myself. But all those times were simply lies. Yes there is time for breaks in thinking and breaks in taking “volunteer” action, but it is important you don’t pamper yourself. Have fun but try to come back to your senses afterwards.

To defeat urges that come from the body you must keep your mind fully alert at all times. Remember that your mind is in charge. Too many people think their body is in charge. Both fappers and nofappers alike. People think nofap will give them hair, muscles, women etc. But in reality it gives them nothing. Nofap is part of the process of living. There are many other things needed for you to fit into the living catagory. The volunteer mindset is an important one. But you must sustain that mindset.

Use your attempts to quit not only as a way to survive the addiction, but as a way to gather some growth from your effort. Otherwise there seriously will be no point in doing it and you will be sitting around fapping and waiting until you hit rock bottom for motivation. The level of addiction you are at is ALWAYS going to be better than somebody else’s. But it will always be worse than somebody else’s. So why put yourself in this position where you either feeling sorry for those below you and jealous for those above you? The wise decision would be to leave that position as soon as possible.

To do that you must motivate yourself with that volunteer “if it isn’t wrong ill do it” mindset. And for that mindset to work you must improve your morals and put your mind always above your body.

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Relapsed again at yesterday’s night. My mind has even stopped feeling regret after relapsing.

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Keep trying to care and keep trying to quit. Everything takes practice.

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Yeah mind becomes numb if we feed too much negativity into it like regret. So, it’s fine you will be in your normal self after few days.

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Regret is only felt when you do something wrong. And since PMO is wrong it is only normal to feel regret. Of course the majority of people feel no regret… But the majority of people make several mistakes. If you have difficulty feeling regret then you must try as hard as possible to feel it. Because you are not quitting fapping for yourself. You are doing it for others. What I mean is… You can contribute more to society if you don’t fap. And like I explained in my previous messages every fap is a mock to the suffering of the porn stars and actresses who have to experience artificial love and sex. It is also a mock to your own suffering as well. If you believe this then it is only natural to feel regret. You have no hopes of quitting if you try to justify feeling no sympathy. You will simply be stuck in this state of misery where when you look to those above you who have a longer streak, you will feel jealousy, and when you look to those below you who have a lower streak, you will feel sympathy. And every time you relapse you have the burden of pain pouring onto you from those porn stars as well. You have fapped thousands of times. Wasting the power to give life is the same as supporting the power to give death. Which leaves you on the same plane as hitler. Don’t wait for that plane to be shot down thinking your going to die. Because the only place you will end up in is hell. Take that plane down yourself. Because then YOU will be in control. Not your mind, Not your body, Not the “porn bug” that has been haunting you all these years, and hopefully not hitler(I can’t guarantee that last part though…)

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Thank you so much , You are really helping me.

Truly said, We are just contributing in child abuse and sex trafficking when we support pornography.

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There is no difference between an adult being abused and a child being abused.

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Relapsed again at yesterday’s night. Reason was not doing any work , In past 3 days, I was studying so much as exams are going on. And tomorrow I took rest which leads me to relapse.

Dear @Lastminuteman I read all your posts again, And I realised I missed so much points earlier. I know I will do it . I just need to stay consistent , In studying and exercising. I almost forgot about PMO in past 3 days when I was studying for my exams. Staying busy makes us forgot negative things and motivates to move forward.

Its not about hiding from negative thoughts. Its about confronting them in a non-sexual way. Once you do that you will feel a mix of emotions, sympathy, sorrow, guilt, a sense of duty, and a sense of injustice. It will be easier to control your mind if you do this and controlling your mind will surely help you with other things in life as well.

Oh and yeah… I noticed that you missed alot of points… Even now you are still missing alot of points… You are probably either reading really fast or not thinking as deeply as you should… You REALLY need to do these two things… VERY important for confronting your negative thoughts without relapsing.

Both of those things kill time. And if you are doing nofap you would think time is your buddy right? wrong… Father Time betrayed you so now you have daddy problems… Why do you think my name is Last Minute Man? To succeed at nofap you must focus on killing every minute. You already told me that you would stay busy in your last message and thats good. But you need to rest otherwise you will exhaust yourself and will relapse. And dont rest with a screen in front of you because that will just lead you to having a relapse… Resting means to just lie down. There is always a risk of relapse. But by thinking about what I told you, you would have more control over your mind.

Just to add to the importance of confronting your thoughts Im going to tell you about an experiment some scientists did.

So some people were brought in and were made intentionally bored. They were given a button and were told that if they pressed the button they would be shocked. They were told to entertain themselves through imagination rather than shocking themselves and 60% of men shocked themselves while only 10% of women shocked themselves.

Shocking, right?(pun intended)

Imagination is nothing but a confrontation of your thoughts. So either those guys had no thoughts at all or they simply had a habit of not confronting them… Because thats the only explaination I have for them performing so much more poorly than the ladies…

so to sum it up for you here:

  1. feel sympathy towards porn stars/actresses
  2. stay busy
  3. learn to confront your thoughts and be mindful of them and control them
  4. kill time
  5. read SLOWLY and collect all the points because when you put all the points together they form the big picture.
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2021-03-25T16:30:00Z

Woke Up at 6:30 am . Had my exam of physical education today. It went good even though I only studied around an hour for it. It was my third day in new school. I don’t know too much about anyone there yet.
I took nap in afternoon and played games in evening. Took rest from exercising, will do upper body and lower body both tomorrow. I have my Economics exam on the day after tomorrow which I have to start preparing for now . Going to study tonight till I feel like I really need a rest.