The reason why i fap (complicated content)

To be honest, I started to know porn a bit later than everyone, I know what is porn but never have the opportunity to view it. People said I am a nice person when I was young. I encounter porn when at 11 y/o but only in the form of chat. Idk what is sex/porn until a guy from Canada I know from online chatting to stranger website talks about it. He gave me a link and explain prostitution. Basically its not a porn image but how the website of certain countries allow prostitution. In my country, porn is illegal and I wonder why some countries allow it. I started to indulge in porn when I was 13 until 17. I don’t have the technology to view porn when I was young. I use my father’s computer to view it. It was kinda nice and pleasant to fap. I feel bad afterward because the norm said its not good to fap and considered as sins.

Most of the time I fap without looking at porn and depends on my mental images. I have a calendar that shows sexy women on it. But that’s not porn but I use it anyways. When I was 17 I started to control those urges, I do pretty well 6 months of no fap. But I feel kinda lonely at that time.

When I was in university, I feel even lonelier. My batch consists of 11 students that year. Only 2 guys and the rests are girls. I sat alone by myself at the back. But the real challenge is; What worst is my roommate having sex with his girlfriend in the next room. It was a rented apartment. I usually study in the living room and I hear funny, quite lurid sounds coming from his room. Previously, I know he always invites his girlfriend to our rented apartment but perhaps that was the first time I’m hearing sex at a closer distance. I even saw a condom in the trash. And that’s confirm everything of what I heard.

I don’t fap because I was deeply in love with one of my lecturers. She taught me chemistry. She is single. I feel intense calmness when I was around her, I feel all my problems faded and my loneliness vanished. I always look forward to attending her class every week. It makes me feel pleasant. I never tell her my feelings because I know, it’s creepy. Our age difference is 12 years. What you will expect? I am not from Europe or from the US. I am Asian. We have different culture on unspoken words.

The loneliness is unbearable, I was very distant from my female friends. And the fact that I came from all-male schools makes me unfriendly towards females. Plus, it’s a small classroom. Every semester you will meet the same persons the same 11 students. They always ignored me. There is once, pre-graduation dinner event held, they never called me to take pictures together. It hurts a lot. But I am okay. The lecturers think that I am not attending the event and even not willing to support the event. But actually, I was there. And I told my friends. But I think nobody actually cares if I came or not.

Somehow, fapping is the only pleasure I can have to make myself know that I am the worst and that’s okay. Only by fapping I can have the illusion of having sex and pretend that everything is okay. I just know that it’s normal to sleep with another girl from the University. It was like the norm of that place. I was slow to understand. After all this year, my thoughts that I think was dirty are actually cleaner than most of society.

I fap because I want to forget the pain. The loneliness. It’s okay if I can get the small pleasure from porn activities. It makes me feel alive. I always think that prostitute is actually a nice person. They just want to make you feel better. I am being honest with myself and I know the society will condemn me of fapping. Perhaps the nofap community too. But I don’t want you to hate me. But this is my story why I fap.

How can you change my thinking?

Sorry dude, nobody can helps you, because we are here after do some autodidact research about the negative effect of porn and masturbation.

We try to move forward towards ultimate truth, unlike you who are resigned to the situation.

Sorry if my words are quite harsh.

Hopefully this harsh can be useful than sweet words but no impact.

1 Like

Well, I must say that I don’t fap every day. My gap between each fap is long about 3 weeks. This is my normal routine. But when I was young I can do better given by a non-stimulating environment. I never said I will resolve to fap. I figured out the world is tough and doesn’t matter what choices I made it will frustrate me at some point. And I always think that resolving to porn and fap is the solution. And therefore my way of thinking. But I still believe abstain from fap/porn is good.

I feel frustrated when everything fails even when I try very hard to get it and nobody was there to cheer me up when I fall. You just couldn’t have it You know that watching porn can induce dopamine in the brain and therefore brings slight joy. By knowing this fact is the only way can perhaps give you the perception that you need.

I realized when I love someone, I can control my urges even better. I don’t think out sex or porn but I just enjoy how beautiful and nice she is. It’s a very pleasant feeling.

The truth is we are sexual beings separated by genders. We should embrace our sexually not by means of PMO but rather by controlling our urges and desire. That’s the challenge i get it.

Call me contradict but i think you misunderstood me.I think sex is not the same as porn. I’m craving for the emotional connection that sex can give. That loving touch that set the passion alive. Fap and porn can’t give that. And i know that very well. I hope to get a wife that abstain me from watching porn and fap. I guess there is a reason for marriage.

Thanks for your reply @Andi appreciate your thoughts.