To be honest, I started to know porn a bit later than everyone, I know what is porn but never have the opportunity to view it. People said I am a nice person when I was young. I encounter porn when at 11 y/o but only in the form of chat. Idk what is sex/porn until a guy from Canada I know from online chatting to stranger website talks about it. He gave me a link and explain prostitution. Basically its not a porn image but how the website of certain countries allow prostitution. In my country, porn is illegal and I wonder why some countries allow it. I started to indulge in porn when I was 13 until 17. I don’t have the technology to view porn when I was young. I use my father’s computer to view it. It was kinda nice and pleasant to fap. I feel bad afterward because the norm said its not good to fap and considered as sins.
Most of the time I fap without looking at porn and depends on my mental images. I have a calendar that shows sexy women on it. But that’s not porn but I use it anyways. When I was 17 I started to control those urges, I do pretty well 6 months of no fap. But I feel kinda lonely at that time.
When I was in university, I feel even lonelier. My batch consists of 11 students that year. Only 2 guys and the rests are girls. I sat alone by myself at the back. But the real challenge is; What worst is my roommate having sex with his girlfriend in the next room. It was a rented apartment. I usually study in the living room and I hear funny, quite lurid sounds coming from his room. Previously, I know he always invites his girlfriend to our rented apartment but perhaps that was the first time I’m hearing sex at a closer distance. I even saw a condom in the trash. And that’s confirm everything of what I heard.
I don’t fap because I was deeply in love with one of my lecturers. She taught me chemistry. She is single. I feel intense calmness when I was around her, I feel all my problems faded and my loneliness vanished. I always look forward to attending her class every week. It makes me feel pleasant. I never tell her my feelings because I know, it’s creepy. Our age difference is 12 years. What you will expect? I am not from Europe or from the US. I am Asian. We have different culture on unspoken words.
The loneliness is unbearable, I was very distant from my female friends. And the fact that I came from all-male schools makes me unfriendly towards females. Plus, it’s a small classroom. Every semester you will meet the same persons the same 11 students. They always ignored me. There is once, pre-graduation dinner event held, they never called me to take pictures together. It hurts a lot. But I am okay. The lecturers think that I am not attending the event and even not willing to support the event. But actually, I was there. And I told my friends. But I think nobody actually cares if I came or not.
Somehow, fapping is the only pleasure I can have to make myself know that I am the worst and that’s okay. Only by fapping I can have the illusion of having sex and pretend that everything is okay. I just know that it’s normal to sleep with another girl from the University. It was like the norm of that place. I was slow to understand. After all this year, my thoughts that I think was dirty are actually cleaner than most of society.
I fap because I want to forget the pain. The loneliness. It’s okay if I can get the small pleasure from porn activities. It makes me feel alive. I always think that prostitute is actually a nice person. They just want to make you feel better. I am being honest with myself and I know the society will condemn me of fapping. Perhaps the nofap community too. But I don’t want you to hate me. But this is my story why I fap.
How can you change my thinking?