And then 
A cold fight with my partner, stress, stress, stress and I still fall to these defaults.
God please reset me and help me to really do this. I’m not giving up.
1 Like
Day 60
Mini-Challenge
Shower every 2 days
Remember afternoon med.
No arguments with hunny.
Check-in
Coins Received: 3
Total Coins: 292
Benefits:
Mood:
Productivity:
Proper Relaxation:
2 Likes
Day 61
Mini-Challenge
Shower every 2 days
Remember afternoon med.
No arguments with hunny.
Check-in
Coins Received: 4
Total Coins: 296
Benefits:
Mood:
Productivity:
Proper Relaxation:
2 Likes
I’ve been doing some internal work.
I came across this article below.
I’m sharing this because what is discussed 9mins into the video is very relatable to us NoFappers and what we experience through relapses.
Tuesday - I put in some guitar practice
Today - I worked and carried on with the internal
Last night - I had a mental downfall and hunger for comfort - I viewed, but turned away.
I subsequently had a weird non eros night fall - weird because it happened in a moment when I started to become semi-conscious.
I’m wisely not seeing this as a relapse with no bad feelings about it.
I’ve been psychologically abused, taunted-pmo addiction revealed/used for power gain and to crush me, And blamed myself for it, and just learnt to deal with it, going alone into isolation & paranoia.
It was many years ago.
I never hurt people, and if I somehow had without knowing, it was never intentional.
I could never pull someone down to pick me up, always slapping myself down if the sight of a schadenfreude arose in me.
The person in question later had a breakdown, and blamed my close friend, with accusations of psychological abuse for it.
Very recently (many years later) I’d been reaching out the olive branch with praise,…
Just little subtle things, conversations, holding eye contact, congratulations on his(their) project, and a few public 
on Fb (which I very very rarely use)
I finally did the wise, noble, healthy thing of letting go, letting the past be the past, accept the situation and show some love - people have trauma and its not easy to get through.
Only minutes later behind closed doors he verbally attacked my friend, telling him, he got his motivation and energy for how much he hates him.
My years of paranoia and wondering thoughts that I thought could be my own self created worry, jealously, inadequacy, had been brought to the forefront, what feels like the truth that has always been. Those small little incidents - those little signs, that happened right at the very beginning of the relationship came to mind.
He hated him from very very early on, and it seems anyone who wasn’t fit for his purpose.
He’d had those feelings for so long.
Still carrying them, while I’d (we’d) given him the benefit of the doubt, that actually he was alright and healing from his trauma (which I feel was his paranoia, or more likely the abuse he’d given out returning to him)
We gave him the benefit of the doubt, allowing him the space and free time to use my business (which I own with his bf)
It’s a pretty fair and amicable deal - as it is his bfs place and business too.
No drama or fuss, but financial support and acceptance - and it turns out his whole project was solely fueled by his hate of my elderly friend, and I’m deeply skeptical that I was also the target of some of his diseased thinking, like it felt all those years ago.
It’s become plain and clear.
I’ve got nothing to be afraid of, no apologies to make, nothing to feel bad about, nothing, but my life to live.
Since that incident the other day, the disgust and anger at his ‘behind closed doors’ mind games, and evil stares that a reserved for people who dare stand up to him, he wrote me a nice card, saying sorry while giving justification to his actions, and the threat of damaging or possibly losing our ‘friendship’ (?)
I’ve never felt close to him.
I’ve been nice, kind and friendly, and even understanding and supportive at times, but never fully trusting him with anything personal, real. or of any real substance. I think my mistake was not being more upfront an honest, but taking on the sins of the world, as it were.
My dear dear friend, soon coming back from India however - I trust fully, with my whole heart, he isn’t perfect, and we can/have had arguments and disagreements, but I can let go, fully open up, and stand naked in front of him (metaphorically speaking of course)
I don’t know where I am right now.
I’m flipping from one emotion to another.
I wanted to smash the guys face in - I’d have no regrets, and I’d just be returning his shit back to him, in a much kinder quicker and less painful way. I’d feel no regret about it also, and no need to rejoice and feel picked up by it, but solely just to see him bleed, putting him in his place.
Today, I cried for him, vainly imagining him making a mess of his project due to psychological issues and a possible breakdown because of my decision to push him out of my life.
I really wouldn’t want that for him.
I could never hope for someone else’s demise.
I hate the drama, the trauma, the mind games, the sucking up, the phony friendships, manipulation, and all that “Yes-ing” and avoidance of rocking the boat, steering away from conflict.
I am a typical Libra, detest conflict and just want peace, love & harmony - but I’m not going to lie down and take it, pretending all is well, following someone else’s rules on how I should be.
I’m not going to respond to his hopeful but threatening letter. I will tell him to his face and look him in the eyes, frankly and simply -
“You are a cunt and you know it”
Right now, I need to move on.
I need to address my life/work/home that are all rolled into one thing.
I need to go on holiday, as I feel I’m making rash decisions about giving it all up - work/home that I’ve had for the past 15 year or more.
I’ve become so reliant on my self worth being tied to the work I do and how people see me.
It’s an incredible and interesting life I lead, and I feel ready to give it all up, as I’ve lost my mojo, no drive or passion, while I’m still emotionally stirred and distracted by what that guy is doing - and he has worked hard, doing very well - yes, I am jealous, but less so when I accepted it and gave my praise,… But now I’m just disoriented and confused - what am I doing with my life?
Am I actually enjoying it? Happy?
Using and excelling in my natural talents, skills?
The praises I receive feel only like consolations, and ways of taking stress/worry off the giver.
I feel the need to stop. I also feel this is an extremely important year of change for me, and I want to take it.
I’m also finding it extremely difficult for my dear elderly, highly intelligent, eccentric friend as I don’t know how many years he has left. I’m scared of taking a holiday for myself, and scared to leave for his sake - my stomach turns at the idea of him being alone 
Please pray for me to have guidance
Please pray for my elderly friend
Life is not perfect, but I can & will rejoice in the goods ~ That is what I will do, Rejoice in The Good Thanks Be To God
I had yesterday alone with God, besides going to work for a few hours, which was not very productive but I was able to get restored in God during that time.
Day One
Don’t despise the day of small beginnings.
1 Like
Man, I messed up. I took my phone into bed (mistake one) and then laid on my stomach which immediately was triggering for me.
Usually I don’t take my phone into bed but my alarms didn’t go off this morning (woke up from a small earthquake) and was trying to figure what the deal was. Somehow my phone was on do not disturb.
Anyway, it was less of a relapse than the last time and I know this journey is cyclical not linear so even if it’s defeat it’s still progress.
Day Zero
1 Like
@Forodwaith 
yes! It is progress!
I love your attitude - thank you
Days seem long at the moment and spent in long periods of thought.
I’m thinking (feeling) a lot more positively and calmly today - things are internally slotting into place.
I’m just not tolerating hate and psychological war in my home and workspace anymore.
It’s what he’s always done, even mentioned it, displayed it and now openly admitted it.
I have nothing to apologise for.
I had a good choir practice
I’m glad of where I am right now -
I want to stay close to the Lord all the days of my life
[SATURDAY]
Day 0 of no smoking…
I have been smoking for a while now and i have seen it has decreased my performance… I’ve tried and failed many times but this time i want to remove this burdon off my shoulders…
I will do it!!
Target: 5days for now…
What about you brother @anon67854825 ?
2 Likes
I’ll be leaving this challenge. I’m honestly in like 5 challenges & it’s overwhelming. I’m cutting it down to 3.
Good luck all! I’ll be merging these challenges between last man standing & 90 day hero challenge.
Peace!
1 Like
@selfconqurer
Day 0 of non smoking for me too.
I’ve already cut down a lot and currently have no tobacco. I’m going to take it one day at a time for now.
2 Likes
Monday - Sunday
I’ve currently got back into piano practice towards the end of the week.
I want scales to be my morning routine, it is as simply as getting out of bed, washed, and sitting at the piano a little earlier.
I’ve given my internal /life situation/ relationship stress a rest for now - as I feel I’ve got enough answers and strength, loss of fear
I’m trusting the Lord will guide me, and help me think about my life and what I want to really do with it
How are you my friends?
@Forodwaith @Gk-00
@Rebooter81 @Forerunner
@selfconqurer
Smoking? Sorry I haven’t done well
It’s moving to know you’re supporting Special_Bird, Forerunner
I hope you are well Gk-00 and life is treating you well, and that tagging you never feels like a burden - I forget English is not your first language.
I’ll get back to duolingo and practice Italian more often.
Rbtr81 - I’m hoping the same for you, and that you’re keeping well in this, and with your accountability and everything!
Forodwaith and I are accounting/supporting each other - and it makes me glad
My friend who I’m musically helping in the studio; we’re having deeper conversations. He knows all about what I do, and this app, and admitted maybe he looks at ■■■■ too much - there’s a good, healthy friendship happening. It feels good to be open and trust, nothing to win or lose. That’s real friendship - just wanting the best for others
Thanks be to God
3 Likes
@anon67854825
I have also not stopped smoking… I am fighting to stop this daily but my longest time was 17 hours in the past few days… I am gonna really stop this today as I have seen it has made me lazy, sucked up a lot of money, drinking up cold drinks etc and did nothing good to me… It has taken a lot of my time, money and I see the health effects also… So this is my last day of smoking
Reporting Day0
Tomorrow will be the completion of day1 at 03:10 PM (IST) … I am gonna do it, this time, not gonna fail!!
1 Like
Starting reporting again with renewed personal plan and determination
Day 14 | Normal Wednesday 
Wake Up Before 6:30 AM
Meditation
NoFap Prayer
Update NoFap Streak
Living Free And Clean Video/Recovered Man Radio
Share NoFap Memes
Urges Defeated: 2
Duolingo French
Prepare 2 Tech Interview Questions
See Career Plan
See NoFap Plan
Read Good Book(s)
10 Full Push-ups/Home Workout Challenge
Spend Time Outside Home
Screen Activity Review
All/Most Of The HabitBull tasks
Hero Check-in & Diaries Check-in
1 Like
Confession time I’ve failed a lot lately and deliberately. What I mean by that is I clearly had a choice like we always do but I chose wrong again.
I haven’t had a decent streak for ages I admit I just haven’t been committed I’ve been half hearted, resenting my singleness, resenting God (foolishly no doubt) and escaping in porn. Wanting that high after everything I’ve written I’m still only half committed I’m still an addict but I cant help think its because of my mental frame. My frame of false ideas and justifications for pmo. The same cycle is repeating itself endlessly without a change in my thinking I won’t be able to change my behaviour I dont think this is just about will power and white knuckling it. Truth is I simply have not been willing to suffer with denying myself porn and stimulation. I always ask : ‘why should I deny myself this pleasure?’
'I dont have a girlfriend so it’s my substitute ’
I know intellectually these ideas are false when examined. Pmo is not a real pleasure well it is pleasurable but it isnt a healthy lasting pleasure so denying myself it isnt denying myself anything
Also having a girlfriend is nothing like wanking to porn so pmo as a substitute is a stupid idea because it’s not and it hinders us from the very things we really want keeping us locked in a vicious cycle. I already know all this.
But I haven’t been spending time with God, I haven’t been reading my bible surely that’s key for Christians. I’ve got a Lordship prayer it’s a difficult prayer to pray and mean but actually it takes the pressure off trying to figure out life on your own.
I know I’ve got to get to the bottom of my issues and make a clear decision this double mindedness is ridiculous and its left my life in limbo.
Read a good article on that and can post it if anyone is interested.
So I’m confessing to you all and hoping you are all surviving in the current crisis.
God bless
Rbtr81
1 Like
Day 15 | Normal Thursday
Wake Up Before 6:30 AM
Meditation
NoFap Prayer
Update NoFap Streak
Living Free And Clean Video/Recovered Man Radio
Share NoFap Memes
Urges Defeated: 2
Duolingo French
Prepare 2 Tech Interview Questions
See Career Plan
See NoFap Plan
Read Good Book(s)
10 Full Push-ups/Home Workout Challenge
Spend Time Outside Home
Screen Activity Review
All/Most Of The HabitBull tasks
Hero Check-in & Diaries Check-in
1 Like
Day 16 | Normal Friday
Rewire Tasks Successfully Completed: 12/20
Wake Up Before 6:30 AM
Meditation
NoFap Prayer
Update NoFap Streak
10+ Full Morning Push Ups
Living Free And Clean Video/Recovered Man Radio
Share NoFap Memes
Urges Defeated: 2
Duolingo French
Prepare 2 Tech Interview Questions
See Career Plan
See Personal Full NoFap Plan
Read Spiritual Book(s)
Read A Nofap Book
Home Workout Challenge
10+ Inclined Bench Presses
Spend Time Outside Home
Screen Activity Review
All/Most Of The HabitBull tasks
Hero Check-in And Diary Check-in
1 Like
Day 17 | Normal Saturday
Rewire Tasks Successfully Completed: 11/14
Wake Up Before 6:30 AM
Meditation
Update Nofap Streak
10+ Full Morning Push Ups
Motivational Songs
Urges Defeated: 6
Duolingo French
Prepare 2 Tech Interview Questions
Read Spiritual Book(s)
Home Workout Challenge
10+ Inclined Bench Presses
All/Most Of The HabitBull Tasks
Use Sword
Hero Check-in
1 Like
Day 18 | Normal Sunday
Rewire Tasks Successfully Completed: 9/14
Wake Up Before 6:30 AM
Meditation
Update Nofap Streak
10+ Full Morning Push Ups
Motivational Songs
Urges Defeated: 3
Duolingo French
Prepare 2 Tech Interview Questions
Read Spiritual Book(s)
Home Workout Challenge
10+ Inclined Bench Presses
All/Most Of The HabitBull Tasks
Use Sword
Hero Group And Mini Challenge Check-in
1 Like
Hi guys,
Thanks for keeping on tagging me. I’ve been away from this community for quite a while. Just know that I am remembering you everyday in my prayers, even though I’ve not been posting lately.
I’ve lost the will to fight lately, just masturbating almost every day, most times twice a day, since I left the forum. I really want to find new motivation, to build a new streak, and I realize that alone I cannot do this, I cannot set myself free.
I need the companionship with you guys, and with the Lord. Hoping to find more time and motivation to post more often from now on.
Some good news lately, I’ve finished my master thesis after a lot of hard work and I will graduate in a month or so hopefully, I’m also looking for a job.
Here in Italy the situation with Coronavirus is quite bad, most activities stopped, a lot of elderly people are dying especially in the region where I live, so I’m at home in quarantine with my family, it’s been almost a month now. Fortunately we are all healthy.
I’ve been praying quite consistently every day, trying to use this time at home for something positive.
I really want to come back, I just accepted my addiction and lived with it lately, it’s been too long since I tried again to break free. Now it’s the time to face it again!
Wishing the best for you all and I will keep you updated.
3 Likes