The day after a relapse

I have to admit for a few years now, I believed that feeling bad after a relapse is only a construct of our mind. We think that we did something bad so we have to feel bad. I never believed in the stories of people because I never experienced something like that.

Now, this has changed.
From my current view, yesterday was a perfect day where I wouldn’t know how it could be better. Then, in the evening, I relapsed.
Today was the opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I was fully present in the moment whereas today I was completely separated from my body. I just functioned as a moving corps.
Even my girlfriend sad that she doesn’t really know how she should approach me since it feels for her as if I am not present in the room.

A few months ago, I wouldn’t have seen the difference to a normal day since this was the “normal”. But now I can say with certainty (this exact thing happened multiple times now) that this is how I am after a relapse.

From here the question is, was it worth it? Was it worth to sleep only 6 hrs and to feel horrible for a day, even worse to make the day of my girlfriend worse because of my behavior for what in exchange? I was free from my worries for 2hrs?

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We blame ourselves, we look at the whole streak as the failure, which is the root of feeling worse. My suggestion is not to overthink it. It happened so focus on doing it better next time. Identify which situation has made you relapse and make up your mind to counter it next time. Look at the positives, like how many days u had stayed away, which itself is a pretty big deal. Only streak restarts, but in your mind, resume from right where the streak stopped.

It is worth it yes… But try and handle yourself better next time, so that it wont be an issue for others around you… To be more present and always be there for your loved ones no matter how much is going on in your head… I mean its not easy, but try your best… In time you learn it and that itself is another positive apart from quitting PMO.

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