I have to admit for a few years now, I believed that feeling bad after a relapse is only a construct of our mind. We think that we did something bad so we have to feel bad. I never believed in the stories of people because I never experienced something like that.
Now, this has changed.
From my current view, yesterday was a perfect day where I wouldn’t know how it could be better. Then, in the evening, I relapsed.
Today was the opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I was fully present in the moment whereas today I was completely separated from my body. I just functioned as a moving corps.
Even my girlfriend sad that she doesn’t really know how she should approach me since it feels for her as if I am not present in the room.
A few months ago, I wouldn’t have seen the difference to a normal day since this was the “normal”. But now I can say with certainty (this exact thing happened multiple times now) that this is how I am after a relapse.
From here the question is, was it worth it? Was it worth to sleep only 6 hrs and to feel horrible for a day, even worse to make the day of my girlfriend worse because of my behavior for what in exchange? I was free from my worries for 2hrs?