Fuck
I let my guard down . Highly disappointed tbh
It was a hardwork of almost a month . I had abstained from ■■■■ since then , but today 
.
But it was a result of my own mistakes , I had sought to stay strong , for I knew how hard it would be . But things are not always as you think them to be .
Well in all those days , I had controlled urges , ■■■■ and sexual thoughts . I was also exercising when I was getting time . But I couldn’t control my mind completely . So the thing happens at nights , I had 2 relapses , in 10 -12 days gap without any stimulation , relapses when I had been half asleep . Last one was 2 days ago , and it ruined my exam to a good extent . But I was pointed out possible reasons for it , mostly occuring due to improper sleep schedule , I was feeling insomniac while being already stressed because of exams , I didn’t keep my calm at night and ending up giving up to thoughts and urges . The thoughts get really loud after 10 - 12 days . Also , my meditation was inconsistent and insincere .
I had hoped to keep it clear till my exams end , and start a new phase after that . But things went different .
And today , I peeked my screen time too much after many weeks , I was feeling guilty and then come the urges .
Well , another tight slap to reality , it has grounded me again . Though my exams are not over yet , only cs remains , but I am going to start rebuilding immediately . I don’t want this one day to stick with me and bring me back to how I have been for so long . I have crossed just one month with so much trouble and I have experienced what all much it will require furthermore , this condition isnt easy to break , and I will require a lot more power and discipline to do it .
I am going to detail all other mistakes committed and changed require on Tuesday , after exam ends . I will not let things fall down as they did last year just during this time , while already passing through a tough phase already . I have to build more discipline
But the important thing is how I react to this , I have learnt more about my power after fighting through the intense time in January . At that time , even if just for a couple of weeks , I had been stronger than I ever knew I could be . That I can do it if I want to . But I lost that strength consequently , obv , that is where I had the job to fuel myself with better actions but I forgot them while prioritizing studies . Still I had abstained from peeking , watching ■■■■ or relapsing ‘at will’ all that time. And midway during this , I kinda found out a good way that works for me , to charge my subconscious thinking . I have to learnt to implement it in a better way .
I now gotta complete my exams soon and I don’t want any of the thing to repeat again so I will pack my laptop for a while . Will unpack it by telling my parents what exactly I need it for , and how long . I don’t need it much for a good long time . I will have the books I require , and nearly a month at home after exams . The best time to build discipline , I will also give time to my hobbies and going out to get fresh air . I have also some books to read . A good grinding as well healing time .
Phase 1 : 30 days
from tomorrow ( its my father’s birthday)