Even with my struggles, in my isolation, and in my everyday life, I am glad that God is allowing me to lean on Him more. In doing so, I am starting to grow deeper in my love and understanding of Him, and what He wants for me. That is the greatest thing that I could do. And I pray that whoever reads this, is reminded to go after God’s heart, and to seek His face and not just His hand. Become intimate with our creator, who loved us so much He sent His only Son to die on the cross for ours sins.
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Sadly I had a relapse, again. As disappointed as I am, I now have yet another revelation as to why I fall back on this crutch. This week, I had been struggling heavily with depression. Staying busy in school was a great distraction until yesterday evening, when I had nothing to do and nothing to distract me.
This relapse made me realize two things. One, is that like I stated earlier, I need to get professional help for my mental health. And two, I need a hobby. The routine I have created is only during the school week, so when I have nothing to do on the weekend, I am more likely to relapse. This weekend/next week, I am going to explore some things I like, and get back into looking for a counselor.
Even in my relapse, the best thing that I have found that works for me is going back to God. Even though I may feel dirty, ashamed, guilty, turning my back from God is actually the worst thing that I could do. It will make my spiral worse than it already is. And the probability of me going back to relapses will be higher. This is not to say that if you sin and repent everything is all good and you can keep doing what you are doing. But, rather, I turn back to him so I can continue to fight the cycle of sin. His love for us is great, but he doesn’t want us to live in sin. Sin and Satan come to us to steal, kill, and destroy. It might not he physical, but it could be killing your joy, stealing your time, and destroying your relationships. As I sit here, in the aftermath of the wrong I have done, I still turn back to God, asking for forgiveness, and the strength to resist temptation. And I will give all my guilt and weakness to him. So that his power could show through my weakness. And the strength to keep pushing and keep trying to turn away from PMO. It wouldn’t be right for me to lie and say that I am not struggling. Because I am, and I relapse too. But I want my love for God to convict me as it grows. And for my love to lead to obedience and righteousness.
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Today’s message at church was so on time. Sometimes I can get a little defeated in spirit when I think I can’t hear God’s voice. But today reinforced in me how important it is to fellowship and worship with other believers. On our own, we can only learn so much and hear so much. But with others, we can do greater in ourselves and for the kingdom of God than alone. In Matthew 18:20 it says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.” In encourage anyone who is finding and seeking God, to find a Bible preaching and believing church to fellowship with godly community.
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I had a very good day today. God reveals things to you when you need it. I just want to encourage anyone who reads this, to seek God and to get know Him. Read your Bible, pray, fast, immerse yourself in His word. I am far from perfect, but getting to know God more and His magnitude is helping me to walk in obedience. But most importantly, it is deepening my love for Him because of how great He is.
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