Very shamefully , iam saying that i have relapsed
I just had covered 4 days and today again i relapsed. I had thoughts in the noon of watching pon but i controlled then anyway but then in the evening i couldn’t resist. It was like i needed happiness, that dopamine urge you know, i felt that badly and i knew it was just dopamine urge but my mind my brain my intelligence was fogged and i could only see pon to fullfill that. After that thoughts start coming to my mind that i have already fantasized and technically you replapse when you think of relapsing and shit like this. So now even if you relapse it doesn’t make a difference , you already have done it. And i did it😔
I slept after that and i have just woke up after a nap. Iam actually quite low also from last week. The thing was that a girl😶! Yeah shit happens! We were chatting and all , we were liking each other. I was encouraging myself to directly talk to her , as iam an introvert and just chatted online. She gave amazing responses , we had eye contacts many times and it was very sweet😶! (Just for the sake of story, it’s just attraction and that too bodily only) .So but last week she told me it was the last time she was coming to classes and after that she won’t. So i was upset as i am coming classes regularly and i wil
Be going till some time. Anyway i also had to quit the tution , but i don’t know i felt a void without talking to her because through studies we would start conversation . This is bad actually, i shouldn’t have gotten into this shit. After 84 days when i relapsed, i wasn’t even in my proper senses and i couldn’t believe i relapsed. After 2-3 reaplse i realised oh shit! And now also i think it’s chased effect or whatever my will is weakened. Because being attractive was one of the pros of no fap ! It wasn’t the main reason but a complimentary thing ! But I don’t know when it became my motivation and through last week she isn’t coming , iam not able to fully be myself and live ti the same potential iam living before! Sorry for this long post ! I just thought i should share what iam feeling as i have already many things suppressed in me and i should let away some things to keep my balance , mental balance!