Companions! Before i officially start my journey with you guys some background information:
Growing up I was a happy kids full of energy and always curious. I had the ability to make contact with others because of my energy. So what happened?
At the age of 12 my parente divorced. Although this was sad it did not impact me that much. I understood my parents were not happy together. Looking back it would have been better if they broken up earlier…
I lived with my mother untill i was 19 and in retrospect the absence of a male role model (i.e. my father) led me to become soft. I was not able to deal with my emotions probably because “everything” and I mean literally everything in our house was unsafe. At any given moment my mother would get angry or project her fear of loneliness unto me. As a teenager growing up this was affecting my view on coping with emotions (like fear) and woman in general.
At first i could escape in my room and look at pictures of naked woman. At the age of 14 i got my first laptop. Although the internet connection was still very slow i instantly became hooked on porn. It began with soft porn and over the years it escalated into a certain fetish. This fetish then escalated into more extreme forms. Untill today where i sometimes reflect on what I have become and can only think: “How the f*#€ did it come to this point?”
Yesterday i relapsed and binged untill midnight. Today is my ground zero guys. Literally!
I want to rebuild and reshape my life. With your support and accountabilty. The main reason i am writing this journal is because i want to be held accountable and not take this lightly any more. Also i want you to learn from my mistakes and victories. Because i want to document my victories so you guys can be proud of me!
Over the years i have managed to get multiple 1 week streaks. My longest streak was 10 days. The main reason for relapsing was my inability to cope with the unpleasantness of blue balls. Looking back I never really adressed this isue untill now. I was blisfully ignorant. I had no battle plan for this.
The second reason is my inability to cope with emotions. However last year i have been in therapy and this gave me a lot of insights and tools. Together with meditation i now can handle my feelings and emotions way better.
It is my wish i will write down 1 or 2 goals per week. From my experience it is better achievable to focus on building 1 or 2 habits than mutliple ones. So this week i will focus on my habit:
∆ Meditate 20 minutes every day in morning and evening
At the end of each day i will post my entry in this journal. My focus will be on dealing with emotions and feelings in a good and constructive way.
Check in with you guys tomorrow.