Surv1ve's Reboot - 29 year old

motivation
nofap
#1

Hello companions,

For a long time I have been using this app and reading threads and posts. I did not log in and create my own account because I was afraid. Which is my main reason for this addiction: Fear.

I would love to expand on this topic and write more about myself. Right now i am with family so i will check in with you guys tomorrow to start my journal.

Currently i am on day 1 and can not express how much i have learned about NoFap because of this community. You guys feel like family to me. And my goal is to document my journey to a full reboot.

Greetings from Holland
Sebastiaan

4 Likes
#2

Companions! Before i officially start my journey with you guys some background information:

Growing up I was a happy kids full of energy and always curious. I had the ability to make contact with others because of my energy. So what happened?

At the age of 12 my parente divorced. Although this was sad it did not impact me that much. I understood my parents were not happy together. Looking back it would have been better if they broken up earlier…

I lived with my mother untill i was 19 and in retrospect the absence of a male role model (i.e. my father) led me to become soft. I was not able to deal with my emotions probably because “everything” and I mean literally everything in our house was unsafe. At any given moment my mother would get angry or project her fear of loneliness unto me. As a teenager growing up this was affecting my view on coping with emotions (like fear) and woman in general.

At first i could escape in my room and look at pictures of naked woman. At the age of 14 i got my first laptop. Although the internet connection was still very slow i instantly became hooked on porn. It began with soft porn and over the years it escalated into a certain fetish. This fetish then escalated into more extreme forms. Untill today where i sometimes reflect on what I have become and can only think: “How the f*#€ did it come to this point?”

Yesterday i relapsed and binged untill midnight. Today is my ground zero guys. Literally!

I want to rebuild and reshape my life. With your support and accountabilty. The main reason i am writing this journal is because i want to be held accountable and not take this lightly any more. Also i want you to learn from my mistakes and victories. Because i want to document my victories so you guys can be proud of me!

Over the years i have managed to get multiple 1 week streaks. My longest streak was 10 days. The main reason for relapsing was my inability to cope with the unpleasantness of blue balls. Looking back I never really adressed this isue untill now. I was blisfully ignorant. I had no battle plan for this.

The second reason is my inability to cope with emotions. However last year i have been in therapy and this gave me a lot of insights and tools. Together with meditation i now can handle my feelings and emotions way better.

It is my wish i will write down 1 or 2 goals per week. From my experience it is better achievable to focus on building 1 or 2 habits than mutliple ones. So this week i will focus on my habit:

∆ Meditate 20 minutes every day in morning and evening

At the end of each day i will post my entry in this journal. My focus will be on dealing with emotions and feelings in a good and constructive way.

Check in with you guys tomorrow.
Greetings Sebastiaan

4 Likes
#3

Hi Surv1ve
I am also 29 y.o
And I also have a bad experience with my Mom when I was still a little boy…
Ur story is almost the same to mine.
I ve just binge 9 days ago… about 10 times fapping a day… and I start over… today is my 8th day…
I feel very nice till this hour…
I think we can struggle together to win this battle…
I wanna listen more about ur report day by day .
This is my sharing code c64spd
I am also expecting friends to support each other

1 Like
#4

Day 1

Companions! After a good night sleep i had a good day. Right now i am rating and after dinner i will meditate and go to the gym. For those of you who are struggling to workout i have a tip:

After work when you come home you should have a ritual in place. This might be anything really. Mine is making dinner/food as soon as i come home. Then i eat my food and meditate for about 15 or 20 minutes.

My biggest demon right now (you can like the term or not) is fear. Mostly fear of rejection by my family, friends or peers @ work. For this reason i am constantly seeking validation from them. This in turn makes me insecure. At work today i realised this because i am in conflict with one of my colleages. On reflection i came to realise i value her opinion to the extended i am letting her make me insecure… I hope you guys can follow my reasoning and thoughts here.

#!!TRIGGER ALERT!!#
My fetish in PMO is also linked to my fear of rejection and that’s why i want full control and it even arouses me to dominate and push the limits of my sexual partner (object)…

However i am a really nice guy, compassionate and full of love. So i dont want to have this kind of relationships anymore. In most of my relations i suffered severe PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation). At first i was proud because i could go on for ever. But after a while it starter to make my gf insecure. De thought she was not pretty enough or sexy enough. It really hurt her.
This is what PMO does to us guys! Dont be fooled it will not hurt your real life experience.

So today is a done deal. I will try to post every day and i really could use your insights, comments or just silent prayers.

Keep up the good fight guys.

Sebastiaan

2 Likes
#5

Day 2

Guys, i will keep this entry short today.
I am a dreamer. Always looking ahead in the future @ my better self. Today i realised i can never achieve this dream if i can accept the person who i am today. Not being satisfied but being content with my progress. What i mean is this: When i look in the future and dream about my better self, subconsciously i am rejecting the person that I am today. However, the person who I am today is nothing less than the person who I want to become except for this: The best version of myself believes in himself and makes the right decisions.

I hope you guys can follow my reasoning. I am no longer rejecting who I am today. However i will strive to become the best version of myself for the days to come.

This day is in the bag. On to the next one!

Greetings Surv1ve

2 Likes
#6

Hi there… Just read your diary… i write my own too.
I am 27 yrs old and as you are on day 2… i am on the same day.

I wish that we both would write straight upto 90 days Reboot… Bingo !
Keep going. Greetings :hugs:

3 Likes
#7

Day 3

So meditation really helps me out. I start every morning with this. Today was a busy day @ work. Tonight i will go to friends. I know these times are always challenging because when I am to busy it seems going so easy. And the BOOM all of a sudden urges can hit like a hurricane. When i come home from my visit i will meditate and read before call it a day.

Best of luck to you guys! Keep going strong!

Greetings Surv1ve

2 Likes
#8

What is your sharing code ?

Here is mine : kbwwju

#9

My code is tni6x4. I added you!

1 Like
#10

Day 4
Still going strong guys! Yesterday with friends whom have children. Most of my friends are married or settled down. This sometimes confronts me and makes me wonder what could have been… If i get carried away by these thoughts i get sad.

So what is the upside or silver lining here? Me and you we know what is holding us back! For me PMO self is not the cause of all my problems its a symptome. So no more running away from feelings.

One more thing before i sign off. The best lie from my demon was “It doesn’t matter if you relapse now, you still have so many good years in front of you. You can always get back on track with your reboot. For now just enjoy this video i have for you…”

No more guys! This is the main reason why I am writing this diary. Like in one of the Rocky movies where Apollo Creed says to Rocky: “There is no tomorrow”!! th

4 Likes
#11

Your peak of youth is already gone.

That was the biggest lie your urges were telling to you.

Some men dont understand it even when they die in their 80’s. They say before the death that let me watch another video… or let me fuck another women… their desires dont end.
They take another birth to satisfy their desires. They are forever doomed. They remain caught up in this vicious circle.

You are a very brave man for trying to become a free man.

#12

Dont worry… soon you will marry a beautiful & loving wife.

You are going to become father of strong & beautiful childrens.

1 Like
#13

“Where there is a will, there’s a way”. You will come out of this. Stay strong and faithful to Nofap.

2 Likes
#14

Thanks for the encouragement guys! Started my day off good. So this morning i started to have some fantasies about an attractive co-worker. But i was aware of it and stopped before it escalated. I get out of bed and now enjoying i nice cooked breakfast. Have a great day!

3 Likes
#15

Day 5 - This day is coming to an end. And still going strong. I think I am in a flatline. But physically that’s a good thing. Makes the urges easier to handle.

Tomorrow i will write more. With friends at the moment.

1 Like
#16

Day 6 - So the spring makes me feel good. The smell of the blossom on the trees, the sun shining more frequent and the birds sjirping in the trees…

Yesterday and today with friends. The spring and summer are always the most challenging times. Girls are wearing less revealing clothes and the hormones are triggered in someway. I found myself eye-balling a girl today. Multiple times. I know its a healthy sign. But I need to be very carefull. Don’t slag off now.

Remain vigilent!

#17

Stay alert… cut your fantasy.

1 Like
#18

Day 7 - still going strong

Not gonna lie. Last night was a struggle. Yesterday I deliberately looked at this girl with lustfull eyes. My mind knows this makes me vulnerable so it tried to lure me into PMO. But i did not gave in.

I want to be very humble on this journey. In no way i have any experience past 1 week. So this is allready a good achievement.

I will push on forward. I believe my body is still in a flatline because i dont have a lot of physical urges. Which is nice.

My goal last week was to meditate twice a day. I did this except for the saturday and sunday because i was with friends.

My goal for this week is to get out of bed early and work out every day for at least 30 minutes.

I hope you guys are still going strong!
If not or you relapsed, that’s ok. Learn from it! Whatever you do: don’t give up!

#19

I think you have just relapsed. I cant see anyone relapse.

I am unfollowing you for now.
Tag me in your diary when you complete 14 days.