Day 14:
Went to gym yesterday, had a lot of things to do but the mind was out of focus, I was able to do good chunk of it, went for shopping yesterday and got some formals for my new job. Will be going to a new office today, let’s see how it goes. I’m a bit excited about it.
Day 15:
Went to gym today, didn’t get time to meditate. Went to temple too. Went to office as well, it was first day at the new company. Didn’t know what to do, didn’t receive laptop or anything, just waiting and a small orientation. Felt tired because of heat and exhaustion. I was thinking whether it was the right decision to switch, I know it has been just one day but the processes and everything seems slow. And there is no tech as well. Not sure how I’m gonna survive here.
Day 16:
Went to gym & office, was too tired after office. Woke up late at night, just surfed internet out of boredom, and relapsed.
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Day 17:
Woke up late, couldn’t make it to gym. Office was boring today. Didn’t interacted much. Feeling not so tired today, after office.
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Day 18:
Missed gym yesterday, woke up late. Went to office, I’m just trying to adjust in office, it seems quite difficult for my personality. Also I get really tired after office.
Day 19-20
Mood is much better, that is expected as first three days after a relapsee are usually horrible, and it gets better 4th day onwards.
On friday (Day19) went to office, skipped gym in the morning so went at night after coming back home. Not much to update there. Yesterday (Day 20) went to gym in the evening, the morning and afternoon were a bit lazy. I have been skipping meditation for a while so will get back at it.
Day 21:
Had a deep sleep in the morning today, even had dreams, I wasn’t having dreams for a long time… Had guest at home, so didn’t go to gym. Was busy in a lot of home related stuff, didn’t do much of my work and meditation is also a to-do in today’s list.
With this we enter stage 3: 22-40 days.
Day 22:
Felt depressive symptoms. Wanted to isolate and work hard on my self for self actualization. Didn’t want to talk to people or interact, all this happened all of a sudden, in the morning all was normal and then suddenly a switch went off and I want to isolate myself.
Don’t isolate man. I know from experience it makes things worse
Thanks, I know but I couldn’t help. I just had no energy, drive & bandwidth to interact with anyone. I still tried to stay close to people.
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Today’s Task: Be willing to change and seek help
It’s almost late night here, now. I will be heading to bed, I tried meditating but couldn’t, just sat for few minutes. I don’t know where to seek help right now. I will be listening to an audiobook related to addiction & recovery. And then go to sleep after few minutes
Day 23:
Went to gym in the morning. Office was good today, got some work & got some chance to play a little bit of badminton also and attend a mandala art painting class. Went to temple in the evening as it is Tuesday today. Now that I look back it was a really good & happening day today. I like the new office, people are good here and at least they care enough to ask & know a bit about you, workload till now also seems to be manageable. I slowly realized that how much of a asocial person I have become and it is really difficult to now get back to being normal. My social anxiety that I faced growing up, which was really bad and I used to wish that I disappear, had now faded to a level where I don’t really feel it that much. I am still hesitant to initiate and talk to people, but that hesitation is now not founded with a sickening feeling of dread. It is more of a remanant. I wish this hesitation die, be it slowly if it may, and I can be true to myself in the outside world as well. Today I prayed for help, I accepted that whatsoever might have been the reason I did wrong. A wrong that was both to me and everyone who was affected by my behaviour. I prayed to help me get over it, I don’t want to be associated with my unhealthy habits anymore.
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Day 24-25:
Went to gym yesterday in the evening after office. Office was good, now slowly integrating into the work I’m supposed to do. Some really nice people are there. Today woke up real tired, decided to sleep a bit as body ache was there. Skipped gym. It was raining so came late to office. Have some important meeting today. Will go back & see if I can make it to the gym.
Update:
Came back from the meeting, I had a strong stomach ache & mild sustaining head ache, anxiety was not felt that much however I know this ache was due to it, it was a 90min meeting considering that I did great. Don’t know how will I get rid of these physiological after-effects & psychological hesitation.
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Day 26:
It was raining today, I woke up late. Couldn’t sleep last night, was feeling a bit restless so I listened to some soothing songs late at night and I didn’t know when I fall asleep. Reached lat at office, during afternoon I was feeling very peaceful, later during the day I felt lonely amidst the office crowd. Came back home and was having mild headache, and body ache. So I lie down and fall asleep. Had to wake up to attend a dinner party. Didn’t go to gym today, feeling tired right now it is late at night will sleep after going back home.
Day 27:
Very lazy weekend. Couldn’t sleep last night. Slept during the day, didn’t go to gym, didn’t get much work done. Felt lethargic & lazy whole day, mood wasn’t great either.
Day 28:
Most of the day went on sleeping & wasting time, went to gym in the evening and studied a bit at night. I the slept late at night.
Day 29:
Need to fix sleep schedule as I’m unable to sleep on time, the mind just keeps wandering and end up sleeping late. I didn’t go to gym, my membership got expired, will scout for a new gym tomorrow & day after tomorrow to see if I can end up getting something better for 1-2 months. I’m not even looking or thinking about any relationship in this year. This year is about me and I would like to focus all the energy, time & efforts on building myself. It is a life of brahmcharya for a couple of months. Till I finish this challenge. I don’t know whether it is working or not, or will I stay like this forever. I, for sure doesn’t like to be like who I am right now. I wish to be so much more yet here I am, with all this that I have got. Somehow I do feel that I need to be at peace with myself because trying to be someone you are not is not a good way to live. I don’t know I don’t have the answers, I don’t think anyone else does either. Maybe I just need to focus on work & not on where it would take me, as was told to Arjun by Krishna.
Day 30:
Having urges. However it seems as if universe is helping me in not going back. Having sleep issues, and slight headache. Missed gym today as well, have to find one quickly. I feel a lot tired today.
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Day 31 - 33
Relapsed, gym still not started, sleeping on around regular time. Need to meditate, & socialize.