Stage 4: 41-60 Day challenge [27M]

Day 34:
Started back with Gym. Had a partial productive day & partial lazy day.

Day 35:
Relapsed, slow lazy day. Need to be real vigilant for next 30 days.

  • Addiction narrows the things that give pleasure.

  • No matter how far you go, relapse is always by your side. (No matter how far you drive you are always the same distance away from the ditch - things will get worse before they get better, but even after they get better the vigilance should never go away)

Interesting podcast - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3JLaF_4Tz8

Day 36:
Went to gym, was feeling good during the day which was unexpected. Was tired the whole day. Didn’t do much personal tasks, only went to office & gym.

Day 37
Was too tired that I slept back after waking up in the morning. So missed the gym and went straight to office. Office was mixed feelings, there was a lot of work and too much confusion. But i have got good colleagues. Went to temple in the evening. And now I’m tired and want to sleep

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Add meditation too in your routine bro :100: you will be unstoppable.

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wonderful Keep going , focus to hear this little voice of courage that come from moment to another that you will do anything to myself except losing myself one more time

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Day 38:
Went to gym today, then to office. Got a little late at office. Came back at night, had dinner now about to doze off. Didn’t get any time to enjoy or work on my personal stuff.

Day 39:
Went to gym, then to office. Office was good. Need to learn to relax and chill while working.

Day 40:
Pretty chill but not so productive day. Went to gym, didn’t do much of my own self work. Need to start meditation back

Day 41:
Weekend is here. Spend time with family. Family was a bit shocked & embarassed as I was way more talkative & acting stupid & making silly jokes.

Day 42:
Weekend was fully packed, just came back from 2 day vacation at night, so majority of day was travelling and going to different places.

Day 43
One of those bad days, drenched in rain and reached late to office. In office things were already in a lot of backlog, so had to stay up late and reached home only to have dinner and sleep. Wanted t

Day 44:
Had a headache whole day, lot of work pressure. Hated being in office. Still in office currently. Need to set boundaries & processes to have work life balance.

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Day 45:
Horrible day at work, too much work pressure and no personal time. Thinking about switching to another job.

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If they are giving you more work than others then talk about it to the manager. Relocate task between other team members, you deserve free time.

Manager is the problem

Get close to him, and then get your ways out like a friend. Tell him boldly, that you want him to get promoted so that you can take his place. It’s a double sword but If it works, then you will have time. (And don’t forget to give me a cut for the advice) :sunglasses:

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Day 46: Day was slightly better. Was missing gym for past few days, started back. Work load was manageable. Need to get a lot of things fixed this weekend, have a backlog of personal things to do.

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Day 47:
I have been relapsing,since the start of this thing & have not been able to go beyond 2 week point. I continued this day count irrespective, the idea was to reflect on my days & this journey that I wanted to get over with. I stopped my 12 day task thing, when it came to the point where I had to disclose about what I’m struggling with to near one. I couldn’t, I did try to steer the conversation there with 2 people but just couldn’t tell them that how fucking piece of shit I am & on my own accord. I’m probably the creepy awkward person people usually talk about behind there back, it just that my reality is hidden from them or so I kinda believe. But things like this kinda have a vibe, and I know it is evident when a person acts abnormal. I have seen it very closely, & I have turned into the same person. I know that people close to me already know that I’m not to be trusted & that I feel trash & act like trash sometimes. I relapsed yesterday & yesterday I had a clear choice to do it or not to. I had a pause, a minute to reflect on where this is heading & I still chose the wrong path. I still chose a miserable me over a recovering & fighting me. I still choose to broke the promises I made to myself & I keep breaking the ones that I make to others. I’m not guilty I’m angry that why I am like this. I break my own rules, I stay awake yesterday binge watching a series, the series was good. But then it got over late at night & I had an urge, that I very well rode on, onto the very end, a dead end. I have been struggling with this thing for 14 years, the first 3-4 years I don’t think I even realised that it was a problem. But i think I was always ashamed of it from the very start. It became major problem when I seriously wanted to get over it around 2-3 years back but couldn’t. I’m inconsistent, I’m unexpresive, I’m not reliable, I’m always forgetful, I’m at times irritable, I’m right now sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. If I could swing a mafic wand & get rid of it, I would without a second thought, but I’m just unable to.

Day 48:
Drowsiness, depressive, isolating… went outside but really wanted to just hide in a room. Need a lot to do this weekend