Stage 4: 41-60 Day challenge [27M]

On the journey to achieve 200 days of hardmode nofap before I turn 28. Never had done it before. The idea is to cover the journey in a step by step fashion. The first 2 stages are the most crucial ones and will be a great determiner of whether I will be able to make it. I think that it will be easier after stage 3-4.

Stage 1: 0-10 Day Challenge
Stage 2: 11-21 Day Challenge
Stage 3: 22-40 Day Challenge
Stage 4: 41-60 Day Challenge
Stage 5: 61-90 Day Challenge
Stage 6: 91-140 Day Challenge
Stage 7: 141-200 Day Challenge

Will try to keep posting here my daily status.

Initially I’m gonna follow the 3 bucket method:

  1. Abstinence
  • No viewing, surfing, searching for explicit material
  • No touching or self-stimulation
  1. Boundaries/ avoiding risky behaviour
  • Avoid binge-watching
  • Avoid social media
  • Avoid staying alone
  1. Healthy behaviour/helpful habits
  • Sleeping early
  • Meditation

I think I should also divide the 10 day goal into 3 mini goals & stages they correspond to
0-3 day - conquering depressive stage
4-7 day - most risky stage
8-10 day - urges are back stage

Entry 1.1.1 (3/6) Day 0
Relapsed during late night surfing. Will meditate today & catchup lost sleep.

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Hi Nuffy,

Just holding back your sexual energy isn’t enough.

You need to have a clear vision, a good reason that excites and motivates you, to make the necessary efforts and sacrifices. Otherwise your discipline will be weak.

You also need to channel your sexual energy into sport, study, personal development, prayer and meditation, which you’re already doing well :clap:t2:

3 Likes

Thanks Virya.
The reason & vision behind this is that I know I have a lot of potential but this addiction has been taking away time & my life away from me and reducing me to just a shell of myself that’s too self absorbed, easily irritated, and depressed.

I want to get rid of it and achieve my goals in life while enjoying life to the fullest. Also I have struggled a lot in getting in to a relationship which is also attributable to my addiction. I would like to get in to a healthy long term relationship.

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Day 1:
Having slight headache, facing difficulties in sleeping on time, meditated a bit today and it helped, didn’t get time to exercise. Trying to get back on track. Relapse really disturbs my schedule for 2-3 days and makes me a lot easily irritated, isolated, and I avoid talking at all with anyone.

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Day 2:
Slept on time yesterday, no more headache. Still can feel the clouded thinking. Things are back on track. Resumed going to the gym.

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Day 3:
Was feeling much better yesterday but couldn’t sleep at night. I think some repressed emotions surfaced that kept me awake all night. Trying to just navigate through this day while completing few to-dos. Let’s see how it goes will update tomorrow.

Along with the current status update. I’m planning to follow an activity everyday for the next 12 days. The following are the 12 days activity that are inspired from 12-step program that I am gonna follow tomorrow onwards -

  1. Acknowledge powerlessness over ■■■■:

    • Admit to yourself that ■■■■ has control over your life.
    • Recognize the negative impact it has on your well-being.
  2. Believe in a higher power or seek support from others:

    • Explore spiritual beliefs or connect with a supportive community.
    • Seek out a therapist, support group, or trusted individual for guidance.
  3. Decide to rely on that higher power or support system for recovery:

    • Make a commitment to yourself to seek help and support.
    • Set a goal to actively engage in your recovery journey.
  4. Reflect on personal habits and triggers related to ■■■■ use:

    • Keep a journal to track when and why you turn to ■■■■.
    • Identify specific triggers such as stress, boredom, or loneliness.
  5. Admit mistakes and the harm caused by ■■■■ use:

    • Acknowledge the negative consequences of your ■■■■ addiction on yourself and others.
    • Take responsibility for your actions without blame or excuses.
  6. Be willing to change and seek help to overcome addiction:

    • Research and reach out to professionals or organizations specializing in ■■■■ addiction recovery.
    • Commit to attending therapy sessions or support group meetings regularly.
  7. Ask for support to address underlying issues contributing to addiction:

    • Confide in a trusted friend or family member about your struggles.
    • Seek professional help to explore and address underlying emotional or psychological issues.
  8. Make amends to those affected by your ■■■■ use, if possible:

    • Apologize to loved ones or friends who may have been hurt by your actions.
    • Take concrete steps to repair damaged relationships through communication and empathy.
  9. Apologize and make things right with those you’ve hurt:

    • Express genuine remorse and a commitment to change.
    • Offer restitution or support to those you’ve harmed, if appropriate.
  10. Continuously monitor your behavior and admit when you slip up:

    • Stay accountable by tracking your progress and setbacks.
    • Be honest with yourself and others when you experience setbacks or relapses.
  11. Spend time in self-reflection and seek spiritual or emotional growth:

    • Practice mindfulness or meditation to cultivate self-awareness.
    • Explore activities or practices that nurture your spiritual or emotional well-being.
  12. Share your experiences with others and help those struggling with ■■■■ addiction:

    • Offer support and encouragement to others facing similar challenges.
    • Share your story openly and honestly to reduce stigma and inspire hope in others.
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Today’s task: Acknowledge powerlessness over ■■■■

I have been struggling with ■■■■ for past 14 years. I remember the first time I viewed ■■■■ was at night when I was a kid on a small screen phone with a slow internet. The first time feeling was the feeling of disgust and vomit. But then I kept returning to it over days & years. Within short time I started masturbating along with vidoes. And I went through all the usual addiction tendencies that you need to take more amount of the substance to get a similar hit. I have done it various time and over time more so compulsively, self destructively, brain numbingly and I have done it on ethically degrading quality & content of videos. But now I can’t stop, and over the past of couple of years I have been trying to quit it (really seriously for 2-3 years) but that’s exactly what has made me realize that how incapable I am of doing so. “The chains of habit are too light to be felt unless they are too heavy to be broken”. Initially, it felt like everyone does it and there isn’t anything wrong with it, as kids used to discuss all sorts of things about sex. But the problem was that I used it for emotional & mood alteration, when I felt lonely, stressed or bored, guess what I ended up doing? Till date I have tried ■■■■ blockers, keeping phone screen on B&W color, disengaged from social media for a while, chatted with a psychologist anonymously to seek help with masturbation, went on a meditation camp. But nothing really worked. 3day, 7day, 14day and I think I have went upto like 22-23 day streaks of nofap but relapsed again. Some relapses were really bad they ended up in a series of relapses. Not sure whether this will work this time but I have never even stayed away for more than a month from the time I started keeping a track. This time I’m willing to be open about it and face consequences whatsoever, I can’t stay in the dark indefinitely.

Any addiction fills you with contradictions, splitting your personalality into a self that abhores it and a self that seeks pleasure from it. And in turn it isolates you. It makes you loose self esteem. Your words become empty your actions become empty. A relationship with ■■■■ doesn’t let any other relationship blossom. It fucks with your emotional & mental stability. Your decision taking power becomes clouded your memory becomes short term. It happens so slowly that you can barely notice but it compounds so heavily over the years, that recovery would seem like a magical transformation. It snatches your real life so that you end up living the lie that you have to hide. It is a false promise that tricks you with a possibility of an high but unmistakenly throws you into a deep pit. It makes you dependent, dependent on subtance abuse to alter your emotional & psychological state. Laying a trap of mines in the form of urges, triggers & a mirage of harmless exposure to keep you its slave forever.

■■■■ has affected all the relationships in my life both the quality & quantity. It has affected what I could achieve as I cower from the risk & fear of not making it and instead turned towards it like a moth turns towards lamp during dark nights. It has affected my personality the most, it took a lively kid & spit back a mute spectator waiting for the life to happen. No doubt I want to get rid of it & snatch away my life back from its clutches.

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Day 4:
Slept early yesterday. Have been missing my meditation. A lot of things are going at work together, trying to manage it along with my personal life. Missed gym in morning will try to squeeze it somewhere in the evening if possible. Things are better. Will try to meditate today before going to bed, let’s see.

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Day 5:
Slept early, had a wet dream at night so woke up early & couldn’t sleep after it. Missed my gym yesterday will be going today. Have planned certain things for my today’s task, will update here again once done. I was using social media a lot yesterday, basically binge watching reels. So I have decided to not use any social media this weekend. I had an interview yesterday which went terribly bad, it felt like the interview had some personal grudge against me as he was very rude, I didn’t paid much heed to it. Things are much better but I also had errections and that lead to few urges surfacing, thankfully I was aware and alert when that happened and could stop my thoughts early on.

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Today’s task: Believe in higher power seek spiritual support

Im not a religious person, I stopped following every ritual, religion & tradition long back. And from that outside point of view it seems like people do ridiculous things in the name of faith. I don’t think with my stand being this I could ever return back to the same things now. However I do believe that I’m spiritual. My way of seeking guidance from a higher power is different it goes through meditation, self awareness, respecting every being and thing, being close to the nature, not hurting anything consciously, and helping the needy. So I gulped my pride and went to the temple yesterday and sat there in peace trying to meditate with the background bhajan sounds. And I did find a little peace after the intial awkwardness of it all. However I couldn’t plead for my healthy recovery at that time. I choose to come back home with that feeling of peace and calmness.
Later in the morning today I tried meditation although my brain was loosing focus a lot I tried to bring it back to my breath whenever I gained awareness. I thought of meditating for a whole hour however I think I did somewhere around 45min mark after which I slept and went to a deep sleep. However now that I am writing this and thinking about this task, I have this feeling of surrender, and so I ask out for help from the universe and everything around me to give me enough courage, will and patience to go through this journey.

Day 6:
Slept really late yesterday so woke up really late today. Had a lot of fatigue and working out at gym yesterday didn’t go well, still I did whatever I could in order to not loose on the momentum. Also I noticed that when your addiction loosens a bit all the things that you were avoiding starts coming back, addiction is never a cure to anything it is just an avoidance tool, an unhealthy coping mechanism. So I started comparing myself with everyone around me, however being aware of this I tried to shift my focus whenever I find myself doing that. I felt a bit bored and lonely too. I also thought a but about my failed relationships that never started, and my mind started overthinking on this a bit, I couldn’t really avoid this thinking altogether as I wanted to understand this, however I know this a very vulnerable position to be in and I should be extremely aware treading along that route. Sleeping late has spill-over effects on the next day, as the whole schedule goes haywire and with that gone it doesn’t feel good & energy is also pretty low. Had quite a few urges yesterday, I felt a lot uneasy and wanted to unload, my mind was also playing it’s tricks, it was jumping-of the ideas that could act as triggers. It wasn’t as bad though, I have had worse. Need to be a lot careful from now on. Will meditate a bit today, and go back to my usual schedule of going to gym and a bit of self care.

Mid-day update:
I’m having a lot of urges and I did slip up a little and went to search for ■■■■. I did peak, however stopped. Didn’t realize that it would be this bad on the 6th day itself, considering that I have been able stay away from it for more than a week multiple times. I went to gym today and had a really good workout, I came home and my body was all pumped and hot, that’s when I started having urges. Will be meditating today and finishing up some work ASAP. I don’t want to stay awake today for late, the mind and behaviour of an addict can’t be trusted and I don’t trust myself right now. Will have to finish work quickly so that there isn’t anymore possiblilty of slip-ups like this today.

Update
I relapsed today. To be in this place is to be such a disappointment for your own self. It seems like there is an altogether different personality that indulges in all the acts. But I would not waste time cursing or rationalizing. What’s done is done. I will not be resetting the clock back to zero, the 200 days target is crucial one for me but it won’t roll-over. These are the 200 days that I have and I have to do whatever I can in these set of days. It will be a lifelong journey no doubt but these days will set a course for it. The 12-steps tasks will go on as is. The daily update will go on as is. For my own self I would write today’s date somewhere to track my last relapse.

Today’s task: Decide to rely on that higher power & support system for recovery

I have decided that for the next foreseeable future I will make a habit to have a 30min meditation session everyday. This is as imporatnt and sacrosanct for me as gym everyday, which I have build a habit to go to.

Also on top of it I have decided to visit temple every tuesday for the next 30 days. These next 30 days are very crucial for me so I will be visiting temple on 11, 18, 25 June and 2, 9 July

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Day 7: (0)
Meditated yesterday but was having difficulty as I was constantly dozing off. Just woke up. Nothing much to update, I already updated most in my mid-day update. Today’s task is on journaling. Have quite a lot of work to finish today. Feeling not so good. Let’s really hop-on and finish things ASAP.

Day 8,9,10 (3)
My apologies for not being regular here for past three days. A lot was going on in my work and things I needed to do that I forgot to update it her. In the 8,9 day I was fixing my schedule only. Which includes trying to sleep on time but failing to do so, squeezinv out gym along with managing work. On the 9th day I had a burn-out from work, my manager was trying to exploit me. Today (Day 10), I gave an excuse and took off from work, I will not be working tomorrow as well. In the past three days I haven’t meditated in the traditional sense however I have visited temple on all three days. 8th day was a Tuesday so I went there as was planned. I liked meditating there in middle of the bhajans, so I went there on Wednesday as well but due to work I just had 10mins with me then I had to return back, today I went there and sat for quite a while.
My apologies for not completing the days task, I will start with where I left.

With this I have now completed the Stage 1. Updating the forum name to proceed on to the Stage 2.

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Today’s task: Reflect on personal habits and triggers

Feeling lonely, bored, stressed, having FOMO, considering myself to be victim, fear of rejection, being ridiculed or negatively evaluated, thinking depressing thoughts, staying up late at night, taking phone to bathroom, spending too much time on social media, thinking too much about nofap. All of these are personal habits and triggers that have caused me to relapse in the past.

Day 11 & 12.
Missed gym yesterday so went today. Having difficulty in sleeping on time. Don’t know where exactly I’m at the point currently as I have been relapsing. Meditation isn’t going that well. I’m going through some change in life right now and I’m not sure how to process it in a healthy manner.

Today’s task - admit mistakes & harm caused by ■■■■ use

“Your relationship with yourself dictates every relationship in your life”. The relationship with ■■■■ breeds in isolation and demands isolation, it is like a weed growing slowly that doesn’t let any other relationship to grow & thrive.
I have dissapointed my friends and my family. As I have always stayed away from truly connecting, they somehow knew that there is something that I don’t confess, something that doesn’t really let me be me, something that creates a wall between us.
Most importantly I have dissapointed myself, for reducing myself to be just a shell of myself. For not really reaching out for my dreams and wasting time & energy on something fleeting that leaves me drained & depressed. For not wearing my personality on my sleaves confidently, to let life pass me by, to let relationships wither as I stopped making efforts. It has caused me harm in every posssible way be it physical, emotional, mental or psychological.
I couldn’t wait to be free of this burden, to be free of my addiction that doesn’t seem be to going away.

Day 13:
Went to gym today but then most time was wasted as it was a weekend so all my energy & focus was diffused into non essential things & I slept also for quite sometime in the afternoon.