Special Bird's Daily Journals

Special_Bird · January 8, 2021, 4:26pm

Day 2 - Jan 8, 2021

Yesterday went well, urges weren’t really present, so it was easier to get through the day. Was pretty productive and got a lot of my goals done for the day which I haven’t done in awhile.

The EasyPeasy Method has been a great motivator, reading a few chapters every morning. It’s made it clear to me what is going on with my thought process and how to break the cycle. That combined with my current strategies has been really helpful.

Anyway, remaining vigilant and ready to take action if the urges come. Hope you guys are well

Dane1989 · January 9, 2021, 4:23am

Reading also easy book, glad you had a good day keep going we look for you . Gonna check for some alternativ day Caunter since i Cant use the app anymore with IOS. Anyways see you next day

Special_Bird · January 9, 2021, 5:17pm

@Dane1989 Hey good to hear man! It’s a great book. Right on, personally I’ve been using a spreadsheet to mark both my good and bad days by month and day. It’s been a really great motivator for when I relapse, since I can still see my progress over time. Might be something to try out. Anyway, hope you are well and good brother

Day 3 - Jan 9, 2021

Another good day yesterday. Starting getting big urges as I was trying to code something up later in the evening. My head just wasn’t in it for coding but I kept telling myself I needed to get it done. Then I started getting urges because I was stressed about that.

However, instead of letting it all fall apart like that, I identified these urges and changed my game plan. I told myself no worries about the code. I can try for 5 more minutes and if it’s not working out, I’ll give it a break tonight and do something else. I did just that and instantly my urges went away. I didn’t get code done last night, but I played the guitar instead and learned a new song which I was very proud of. Ended the night feeling good.

Reading more of the EasyPeasy Method. Again I’m reminded that my problem isn’t anywhere else, it’s porn. I’m not clinically depressed, I’m not a loser, I’m not stupid, awkward, or low-energy. It’s a porn-induced environment, which then fuels more porn use. My whole problematic situation is a lie. All I need to do is leave PMO behind and these problems will end.

Taking the red pill one day at a time. Stay strong brothers

Special_Bird · January 10, 2021, 4:10pm

Day 4 - Jan 10, 2021

Another clean day. Yesterday wasn’t as great as the day before, didn’t get much done but I shouldn’t expect much from Saturdays anyway because my cousins always take my time.

Got some urges yesterday from a few triggers, but reminded myself there are no gains at all from PMO, and pushed it out of my mind.

Feeling a bit tired and stressed today as things start ramping up before school, so keeping my journal ready. But no matter how I feel during any day, nothing will compare to the utter hopelessness and depression of PMO. Always having to relieve the tension of waiting for my next fix on top of my usual stress, and then becoming more stressed after I relapsed. I’m not missing anything from not going back, and I never will. There was never any benefits whatsoever.

Stay strong everyone

Dane1989 · January 10, 2021, 4:24pm

Great to see you back on track stay strong brother good read

Special_Bird · January 11, 2021, 5:03pm

@Dane1989 Thank you brother stay strong as well!

Day 5 - Jan 11, 2021

Made it through the day again, and got more done than the day before. Things have been well, urges on the down low.

I’ve been able to expel them mostly by reminding myself of the lessons learned in the EasyPeasy book. There are no benefits to PMO, and when the urges come I remember that the urge is promising to fix something that it created, it’s an illusion of need. I don’t need to give in and in fact there’s no benefit to giving in whatsoever. All of the advantages come from quitting for good.

Aside from that, got to bed kinda late last night, think it’s just nerves for the procedure I have today. So I’ll be at the doctor’s most of the day. I suspect I’ll need to be vigilant tonight as I’ll probably be fairly tired towards the end of the day.

Stay strong everyone

Special_Bird · January 12, 2021, 5:38pm

Day 6 - Jan 12, 2021

Yesterday was kind of chaotic for me since I spent most of the day at the clinic and then I had to go back late at night. Sleep is running low, but I’ll get to bed early tonight. I set an alarm to remind me not to do anything past 9:30 and just get ready for bed.

As far as urges go, I didn’t get any yesterday, but I will definitely stay aware today as I’m back home and feeling kind of crappy.

But internally, I’m doing really well, I feel good having left PMO for almost a week now. My confidence is coming back and my social anxiety is a lot less. I feel happier and I don’t have shadows hanging over me.

Anyway, hope you, Dane, and everyone else reading this are doing well

Sacred · January 12, 2021, 11:28pm

You should join a group brother. Having the support of others really helps.

Dane1989 · January 13, 2021, 1:02am

Just came out of flateline bro, its the most dangerous time for me. In Short words Urges trying to fool me like always you know the Deal. Also my sleep cyle is a total Mess, but it will not help to cry about or relapseing it will make it even more worse, Guess we all learned that. Stay strong with me we can make it.

Btw english not my main trying my best

Special_Bird · January 13, 2021, 5:24pm

@Sacred Yeah I’ve been thinking about it! But I still think I might wait until I’m really getting going. I want to be able to be an encouragement to others in the group, but I also don’t want myself to only have motivation due to wanting to do well for others. I want to be self-motivated completely. But I’m definitely considering it

@Dane1989 Yikes brother, sounds like a tough spot. Yeah I know the feeling, especially when my sleep schedule is off.

Keep with it bro, remember that PMO is not necessary for our lives, it never has been, we only see it as a necessary crutch because we have lived with withdrawal pangs for so long. It’s not pleasure we get from it, but the fleeting relief of a few brief moments without wanting it again.

It’s constant torture. We want it when we don’t have it, and when we have it, we regret ever getting it. Remember that all it takes is moving on without it. You lose nothing by quitting, and you only have amazing benefits to gain by being clean.

I know you know all this, but I find it helps for me to remind myself constantly of this when I have urges. Stay strong brother, it will pass

Day 7 - Jan 13, 2021

Made it one week and feeling good

Yesterday went well enough, but I stayed up later than I wanted and played a game with my friend. I know I shouldn’t do that. I should be in bed before or exactly at 10:30. I know my friends will be playing late, but I’ll make a deal and say I can only play 8-9:30. No later, I don’t care what happens, 9:30 I am getting off the game and getting to bed.

However, if I get any urges whatsoever, it’s no games tonight. I’m not risking that. Period.

Anyway, I read a really great quote in the EasyPeasy Method today, thought I’d share it since I feel like I believed this lie in the past, but the book pointed it out well:

“It’s cliché to say, “If you haven’t got your health, you’ve got nothing” but it’s absolutely true. When you feel physically and mentally strong you can enjoy the highs and handle the lows. Many confuse responsibility with stress, responsibility only becomes stressful when we don’t feel strong enough to handle it. What destroys most isn’t stress, jobs or old age, but the illusory lying crutches they turn to.”

It’s not the responsibilities of life that cause us stress and make us feel the need to relapse, it’s the stress of feeling inadequate to meet those responsibilities. And what makes us feel inadequate? PMO! So we fuel our own stress and therefore our own relapses! There is no need for PMO whatsoever, we could live completely healthy lives and significantly less stressful ones if we would leave the addiction behind.

Anyhow, that’s my thoughts for today. Keep at it everyone

Sacred · January 13, 2021, 8:05pm

I understand, you need to be motivated yourself first before anything else. I think a group is more about support than anything though. It’s up to you though brother, just thought it might help.

Special_Bird · January 14, 2021, 5:45pm

@Sacred Thank you brother I’ll definitely be considering it. And I’ll probably join something eventually, probably the daily diary again. Hope you are doing well

Day 8 - Jan 14, 2021

Yesterday was another good day, still reading the EasyPeasy Method, trying to read around 2 chapters in the morning, that way I can get consistent motivation through the first week and a half at least, since that usually is the easiest time to relapse.

My sister decided to come over and watch a movie with the fam, so I ended up staying up later than I wanted to again. Not terrible, but I really need to get some good sleep and be waking up early in preparation for classes starting again next week. I don’t think she is coming over again today, but either way I’m going to call it this time at 9:30. I asked my fam to hold me accountable on this lol.

Stay strong guys

Dane1989 · January 15, 2021, 1:30am

glad it goes well for you brother!
sadly i have to say i MO yesterday, did no P but its of course a relapse i lost control and gave in …
back to day 0 again damn, but it comes even more worse, had alot argues with gf does days which today result in she wants to break up and dont with me anymore. now when i reflekt all the bad situations we had since 3 weeks with 1 week silents from both, its clear that its all my fault, this f***ing addiction make me lose my real love due mood swings and many more personality changes which happen on this addiction. well i can only hope she wants to give me sign that i neeeeeed to change now and goddamn get my selflove back i once had. feeling very deep deppressed right now and sad , i cryed alot today… realtalk i dont feel like a real man anymore today more like trash nobody cares about it sucks. i sended her a msg that i will change and come back to her when we both ready for a real relationchip. Deep inside i know we dont need anybody to feel as a whole human being. but i showed my gf kinda the opposite, a needy little boy who cant live without her ( dont get this wrong ) and my guessing is she wants to make a real man out of me now by leaving me so i can handle the selflove emotions and dumb addiction to become " her " Men what she also deserves. there is to much more going on to really explain the whole situation in deep what problems i have with gf. i really dont think she wants to leave me complete, its more a change yourself alone leaving thing i guess.

Anyways lets see what she response to my last msg tomorrow, if she even do this dunno.

oh crap man iam so sorry i used your diary place now to fully cry me out over my weakness , honestly sorry. i had the feeling it may help me inform you about my actually situation, but it wasnt meant to be spam your diary.

keep being strong bro god bless you

Special_Bird · January 16, 2021, 7:37pm

@Dane1989 Thank you brother, I’m really sorry to hear that you relapsed and about the trouble with your girlfriend. I completely understand brother, don’t feel bad for writing a lot. This is a place for you to talk as much as me, and we’re here to support each other.

I totally understand those feelings of emptiness and depression, and not having any self-love after messing up like this, feeling like a needy boy, etc. I know that there is a lot more to your situation than I know, but I know that even talking to you now, that you are a strong man and have a good heart.

Don’t let this addiction pull you down into hatred towards yourself because it will only feed the addiction more. You are worth much more than how you feel now. Yes, you faced this rejection from your girlfriend, but remember, she is rejecting you as an addict, but not the true person that you are. Because inside you are a strong man capable of affectionately loving her. Remember that it is the addiction that has done this to you, not who you are.

Use this experience to remind you that there is nothing left for you in PMO, it gives nothing to you, but only takes away what is good in your life. Use this as a springboard to leaving this addiction and don’t let it take you down. The addiction will tell you that you are flawed in your character, in who you are. But that is not true, you are a strong character for have endured this addiction and still not given up on quitting. You just have to approach it the right way.

If you haven’t already, I would definitely advise reading through the whole EasyPeasy Method book, it’s been helping me a lot to dispel those addictive thoughts. Stay strong brother and don’t ever give up. And always feel free to talk more if you need it

Day 10 - Jan 16, 2021

Didn’t journal yesterday as I had to wake up earlier than I thought and was rushing out the door. Today was a bit busy as well, but I got my reading in and doing the journal now more towards noon.

Things have been good the past two days, I had urges last night but I dispelled them by being mindful of their arguments and using the counter arguments from EasyPeasy. It’s amazing how quickly urges go away when you rid yourself of the brainwashing making you think you need PMO. When I used to try to ignore the urges, they always got worse. But facing them head on is the key I see once again.

Anyway, not much to write about today, but I’ll be staying watchful as classes start up again soon.

Stay well everyone

Dane1989 · January 16, 2021, 10:37pm

Thank you so much for your warm and mindfull words Brother, you are absolutly right with everything you said!

Never give up untill its defeated for good. I needed this wake up moment from Girlfriend, i was serious all the time but guess not enough. Soon day 3,
back on Track After pass the 1 week Mark.

Girlfriend responsed today and iam super happy to say she give me another Chance to be the Person she fell in love once.

First goals now

Nopmo
Fix Sleeptime
Meditate daily ( i just started )
being more produktive over the day
Less gaming over the day

Have a nice day brother See you tomorrow!

Special_Bird · January 17, 2021, 4:48pm

@Dane1989 Glad to hear brother! That is awesome news. I think you’ve got a good plan there, I was finding another one of my biggest problems with getting past 3 days was not putting active guards against my triggers. It’s especially important for those early days. Keep me updated on how everything goes

Hope you have a nice day too brother talk to you tomorrow. Stay strong!

Day 11 - Jan 17, 2021

I’m getting close to having my sleep schedule on what it needs to be for when classes start. Tonight is my last night before it’s all school nights, so I’m going to really make sure I’m in bed early and get good sleep. I set an alarm for 9. If I am ready for bed before that, then I can continue whatever I was doing till 9:30, but otherwise I need to call it there. Either way I need to be in bed by 10.

But things have been well for the past few days, been feeling good about it all.

Past the initial triggers, it’s all a game of mindfulness and having a positive state of mind. Countering urges with good arguments.

Anyway, stay strong out there guys

Dane1989 · January 17, 2021, 10:35pm

Nice to Hear you have your sleeping schedule Fixed, it can be insanely hard to fix That if you playing all Night due lookdown times, i see this myself still stuggleing with that. Its day 3 iam feeling no urges at all, still kinda shocked how close it was to lose my love, and iam very thankfull it didnt happen. I asked her to come over on the Weekend for having a nice Dinner and just chill together. She said iam a clever men but she liked it and said i will think about it since it was planed to see each other not for awhile After the Bad conversation last time. Overall it is everything fine for now, aslong I don’t forget my goals and focus on addiction!

See you tomorrow brother, and would you say the chaser effect is gone for you?

Special_Bird · January 18, 2021, 4:32pm

@Dane1989 Thanks bro, yeah fixing my sleep schedule was really difficult, and even now it’s still not perfect, but it’s passable. The biggest thing that helped me was telling my friends that I’m aiming to get to bed earlier. Stating my goals outloud helped me to stick to them when they asked me to play longer.

Clever man haha. Good for you brother! I’m glad things are still working out with your girlfriend.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to get very strong urges on day 4 or 5 that usually take me down, so watch out for those. Remember that if you get urges, don’t try to avoid them, that was my mistake in the past. Face the urges and remind yourself why what they say is not true.

I would say the chaser effect is definitely gone now but the occasional strong urge does come. However, if I face it right away and don’t ignore it, then it goes away before it becomes overwhelming. The two biggest things I’ve been doing is counter-arguing with the PMO thoughts, and seeing if the reason is that I need something (like sleep, food, a break, etc.), and I go and take care of that need instead of relapsing. Those two things tend to take away urges in the moment.

Anyway, see you tomorrow brother, stay strong!

Day 12 - Jan 18, 2021

Yesterday was good, got a lot of work done early for one of my classes, and today I’m going to do more so that I have less to worry about tomorrow.

Sleep schedule is in a decent place, but tonight I’m still shooting for even earlier. I know I could have got to bed earlier if I hadn’t gotten distracted after I got off the games with friends, which I ended at the right time last night.

But other than that, things are well and good. I’m staying vigilant and prepared though, as I know school can bring stress.

Hope everyone is doing well

Dane1989 · January 19, 2021, 1:57am

Day 4

Hi brother you where right I had strong urges today out of nowhere , managed to resist them and didn’t relapse, that’s the good news.

Now the bad news, had some what’s app conversation with my girlfriend. Thematic was the Saturday dinner / chill evening, it’s cancelt from her side she wants to go for a walk in the Park instead. This does not sound like a problem to me so i agreed to do that. So o good so far all was cool imo, but I had a weird feeling. You know the feeling when the other Person isn’t interested at all? I had this feeling today and asked her if anything is ok with us ?

She is Russian and don’t like to talk much on a sidenote, and also if there is Smth what’s a nogo for her, she starts ignoring me or kinda talks in secrets what’s the problem. You know it by writing that she has a problem and don’t talk about it.
Long story short it ended up with that she don’t trust me anymore, it’s what I got out of her while asking what’s the problem.

We had a argues last time because I said to her „ delete profilpic“ in my opinion she was looking too ( Flirty ) on that. And I always say out loud my opinion.
Well this was hurting her so much that she lost trust in me, you may asked way the hell? Because while she was with ex Men it was also forbidden like laughing , smile or colorfull clothing, she was living like in prison. I knew this all and still overreacted on this pic story which was a misstake from my side.
Anyways I apologized already for that a few times but she said I will remember this longer.

She always talks from a breaktime Till everyone has finished his tasked and then come together living etc. we both into this soulmate stuff if that is familiar to you? 2 old souls meet eachother to fall in special love after suffering and healing old wunds the come together.

I personally don’t want a break till tasked and healing is done, it will end into losing eachother.

Well atm I feel very lost I don’t know what to do or say in the end it’s meaningless, my mental health is garbage I suffer every day from this + PMO addiction Aswell.

My question now should I agree with breaktime if she comes up with it again on Saturday , or should I end it since I don’t believe into this Breaktime stuff I really don’t know because I love her like no one else and don’t want to lose her.

Take care brother see you tomorrow💪

Dane1989 · January 21, 2021, 6:38am

Day 7 (1 week done )

Hey bro i hope you are good ?
Hope i was not to creepy with my long Post above

Iam doing good so far, urges show up a little less, depens on how much Depression is going on. I watched a therapist video about relationship problems etc. I told you last time I suffer personality disorder ( if this is the correct word?) related to pmo addiction I believe. In the Video he explains 2 types of personality

1 (the Runner) isn’t ready to trust jet and dont want His Partner come to close, because scared to get hurt again.
2 (the Chaiser) he tryes hard to get love from the Partner no matter what, like a Beta with no love for himself and his goals. The focus is always on the Partner not on himself. He is scared to be alone , he is scared to lose something, so he chaise for love and end up suffering.

Yep there we have it, iam the chaiser it Matches 100% to us. Iam super scared to lose her that’s the true! Because I love her so much and dont wanna be alone with myself( feeling not worth ) that’s my whole issue what also Leads to pmo addiction. With that mindset I will change now , iam done with being the weakboy who needs to fight for love! I deserve it to be loved and respected like everyone else.

Plan for the Saturday park walk with Girlfriend.

Calm but serious speaking about the Future
Breaktime or not
stop being a scary needy boy
showing selflove to be respected!
if breakup happens , dealing with it !

That’s it for today I hope you do well brother waiting for you